A little over a year ago, Nintendo launched a service called Miiverse that allows players to post short, Twitter-like messages from inside their games. As with the rest of the Internet, the content of these posts ranges from kind of awesome to completely soul crushing. However, there's more to this Miiverse thing than meets the eye. In November of 2012, a glitch briefly allowed some Nintendo users to access forbidden parts of Miiverse -- I was one of those users, and while digging around in Nintendo's files hoping to find confirmation that they'll someday do a sequel to Shaq Fu, I came across something even more shocking. It turns out that Miiverse has been around for much, much longer than we thought, and -- I'm aware of how fantastic this sounds -- the earliest posts are from Mario himself. Yes, Dr. Mario "Super Mario" Mario, noted plumber, kart driver, and Olympic medalist, is apparently a real person.

I took as many screenshots as I could before getting booted out, and after carefully mulling over the legal, cultural, and sociopolitical consequences of this discovery for an entire year, I've finally decided to share this information with the world. And so, here are Mario's earliest games, as documented from his own perspective. The following absolutely real images (again, I cannot stress enough how much I didn't make this shit up just now) paint a picture of man who is simple-minded, somewhat brave, but most of all utterly confused.

Donkey Kong (1981) -- In Which a Monkey Steals Mario's Girlfriend

Live-Blogging the 'Super Mario Bros.' Universe
Nintendo

Mario's adventures began the day a monkey stole his then-girlfriend, a broad from New Jersey called Pauline. Of course, we now know this monkey to be the affable, rap-loving Donkey Kong, but take a step back for a second and imagine how terrifying this scenario must have seemed to a regular guy from Brooklyn.

Actually, you don't need to imagine, because he told us.

MarioMario MaroM81 Donkey Kong Community Hey. so. this monkey stole my girlfriend and took her up on a construction site? Should I like. call the cops

Initially, Mario seemed determined to take the "wait for the problem to resolve itself" approach, but it soon became apparent that this wasn't a viable option. Mainly because if he stood still for a single second, he'd end up crushed by a falling barrel.

MarioMario MarioM81 Donkey Kong Community OK. now he's throwing barrels at me. There's like an endless supply of barrels up there for some reason. and

Left with no other choice, Mario tried the diplomatic path.

MarioMario MarioM81 Donkey Kong Community I'm just gonna try to go up and talk to the monkey. I literally don't know what else to do. 100000o TOP.0000

Despite the extremely poor condition of the stairs, the endless stream of barrels, and those little fire thingies chasing him around, Mario finally made it to the top. But then ...

MarioMario MarioM81 Donkey Kong Community I'm finally up here. The monkey seems calm. I think Pauline is just petrified with fear, but at least it's a

Yes, Mario was so upset by what had just happened that he completely botched that sentence (he meant to say "The dang monkey just grabbed her and took her further up!"). Give him a break: He grew up in a household where everyone spoke in a particularly effusive dialect of Italian.

MarioMario *grabbed her and took her further up

The good news was that Pauline was no longer frozen by fear. The bad news was that she was starting to make unreasonable requests in light of the situation.

MarioMario MarioM81 Donkey Kong Community And he's throwing these giant springs at me. That... that's just perfect. Meanwhile. Pauline is asking me to

Once again, as soon as Mario caught up with them, the monkey grabbed Pauline and took her to another section of this demented structure. By this point Mario was seriously reconsidering some of the choices in his life.

MarioMario MarioM81 Donkey Kong Community So this is gonna sound terrible but I'm definitely breaking up with Pauline soon as I get out of here. She's

Puzzlingly, it appears that Mario took the time to chat with the mask salesman from Zelda 64 as he ran around swinging that hammer at unthinkable monsters.

Aces Peach is a much classier broad anyway... MarioMario You gotta introduce me to this Peach bro. She live in Brooklyn?

And then, as suddenly as it began, the danger was over. Note that Mario conveniently forgot his earlier resolution to break up with Pauline as she approached him to extend her gratitude.

MarioMario MarioM81 Donkey Kong Community HOLY $%&#! Like half the building just collapsed and the monkey fell down! I think he's not breathing. Wait.

It later turned out that the big monkey wasn't really dead, and a littler monkey then came to pester Mario when he attempted to make some extra cash by showing off his exotic new pet, but let us skip over that part to go directly to the next important occasion in Mario's life ...

Mario Bros. (1983) -- Mario Goes into Plumbing, Kicks Turtles

Live-Blogging the 'Super Mario Bros.' Universe
Nintendo

After breaking up with Pauline (who, it turns out, was the main provider in the household) and getting his monkey-related get-rich-quick scheme ruined, Mario decided to open a plumbing company with his brother, Luigi. It was honest work, and Mario was already prepared for it, since taking care of a big monkey also involves dealing with massive amounts of poop. However, one day the always perceptive Mario noticed that there was something unusual about a particular gig.

Live-Blogging the 'Super Mario Bros.' Universe

Bear in mind that the biggest thing Mario and Luigi had tackled up to this point was a kitchen sink, so the sight of this huge, dark room that someone expected them to clean was overwhelming to them, and a little bit scary.

That's when they noticed the turtles.

MarioMario MarioM81 Mario Bros Community Wait. are those... are those turtles coming out of the pipes? Who's flushing turtles down the toilet?! Big on

Luigi didn't join Mario's turtle-bashing, more out of laziness than out of respect for the noble creatures that his brother was now slaughtering (presumably Christmas gifts discarded by hyperactive children who would have preferred an Atari). Luigi continued to not move even when, as if prompted by the death of each turtle, something more bizarre began coming out of those pipes ...

MarioMario MarioM81 22hours ago Mario Bros Community Now those degenerates up there are throwing MONEY down the toilet? Seriously? Look what this worl

The now popular acronym for "shaking my damn head" appears here in its earliest recorded use.

Mario didn't have a long time to wonder what kind of person throws giant coins of solid gold into the crapper (but they're in New York, so it was probably some Wall Street jackass), for this was the moment when things suddenly turned deadly.

MarioMario MarioM81 Mario Bros Community Change of plans, I'm not going anywhere near that turtle that just woke up and turned blue. l think it's poss

They say that, even today, if you press your ear near a toilet, you can hear Mario's anguished cry echo within the pipes.

Live-Blogging the 'Super Mario Bros.' Universe

Luigi was gone, but the senseless death of his brother only strengthened Mario's resolve to escape this hellish poop depository. After going through what seemed like an endless succession of identical chambers populated by increasingly unlikely creatures (bugs, crabs, spiky guys), Mario stumbled into one of the green pipes he'd learned to hate and found himself transported into an even stranger place -- one with far more mushrooms.

Super Mario Bros. (1985) -- Mario Has a Complete Mental Breakdown

N CL V
Nintendo

At first sight, Mario's new surroundings seemed a lot more pleasant than the sewers he'd been previously trapped in.

MarioMario MarioM81 Super Mario Bros. Community It'sa me again. This is gonna sound insane, but fell into one of those pipes I was cleaning and I some

And "misspelled." Again, Italian parents.

MarioMario MarioM81 Super Mario Bros Community Hold on. someone's coming. I'm gonna ask him where we are. Excuse me. sir...? MArro WORLD TIME 000000 x

After the unprovoked attack by the strange owl-person, everything turned black for Mario. The world around him ceased to exist and his soul finally found peace. That peace, sadly, only lasted a few seconds.

MarioMario MarioM81 Super Mario Bros. Community How... How am still alive? I died. I remember dying. And now I'm just back here again. Is this- This i

Avoiding the owl-person this time around (by taking a freakishly high jump in the air), Mario continued exploring his surroundings and came across a bizarre and terrifying sight.

MarioMario MarioM81 Mario Bros Community Hey. sO. l accidentally hit one of those flying blocks while jumping (they're just floating there. there's no

Mario's frail psyche was beginning to crack as a result of the inexplicable transformations he was undergoing. Worst of all, he misspelled another word ("changed").

MarioMario MarioM81 Super Mario Bros. Community touched a flower and my entire wardrobe change. Of course it did. Why... Why wouldn't it? Hahahaha. MA

A conversation below that post confirms that Mario was indeed going through some sort of psychotic break (and he wasn't the only one).

LMK90 ur funny! got me dying over herel hahahahal my back hurts now! remember when we played this game with Tom and he threw up all over the controlle

This is what this place does to people.

Just then, Mario was shocked back into sanity by a horrifying development.

Live-Blogging the 'Super Mario Bros.' Universe

Now a serial murderer and no doubt wanted by the local authorities, Mario rushed forward, only to come across his biggest obstacle yet.

Live-Blogging the 'Super Mario Bros.' Universe

Mario landed in some sort of underground corridor -- probably a mine, judging by the elevators and the black-faced versions of the same owl-people he'd encountered above. An encounter with his least favorite reptiles led to the most bizarre series of events yet.

Um. Iwas trying to get away from those freaking turtles and here. What are all these numbers? WHY DOES NAME? Is this Truman Show thing? AmI Truman? MR

Mario jumped into another tube with the number 5 on it, thinking that whatever was on the other side couldn't be worse than this. Naturally, he was wrong again.

MarioMario MarioM81 Super Mario Bros. Community I have decided to ignore the turtle with wings fluttering about in front of me. L can't deal with this

Miraculously managing to hold his breath long enough to escape this underground lake, Mario emerged to find it was probably the septic tank of a nearby building. Still, he tried to look on the positive side.

MarioMario MarioM81 Super Mario Bros. Community Finally reached a bigger castle. I bet there's people in this one! Feeling good about this. MR1 WORLD

Mario attempted to explain to the fire-breathing monstrosity that he only came into his house because the door was open and he wanted to ask if he could use a phone, to which the castle's owner answered by spitting more fire. Eventually, Mario ran past the monster and in the process triggered a mechanism that dropped the guy into a pit of lava. Mario felt horribly guilty about that until he realized that the monster was holding a scantily clad dwarf hostage in his basement, for God knows what twisted purpose. This was the first English speaker Mario had come across in his entire quest, but unfortunately he didn't make much sense.

Live-Blogging the 'Super Mario Bros.' Universe

As he continued his adventures (highlights include being shot at with giant bullets for no apparent reason and getting stuck in a castle maze for half an hour), Mario grew increasingly desensitized to the madness and violence around him.

MarioMario MarioM81 Bros Community Hey, you know what I just noticed? These clouds are exactly like the pieces of shrubbery saw earlier. only white. T

But, just as Mario was beginning to remember how to feel joy again, this sick universe delivered its greatest blow ...

MarioMario MarioM81 Super Mario Bros. Community Oh yeah, I. uh, definitely came here to rescue you. Yep. So now L get to go back to Brooklyn, right? M

Suddenly, Mario found himself exactly where he started, standing in the meadow-looking place with bricks on the floor. His exact reaction to this development has been lost to the sands of time, for it was deemed unfit to be displayed on a Nintendo console.

MarioMario Super Mario Bros. Community Deleted by administrator. Post tID: 3DB-NBL7-DCL-2UKF-EY7-V34W

There was only one thing Mario could do now. It's hard to argue with his decision.

MarioMario MarioM81 Super Mario Bros. Community #@$% everything. I'm jumping into this pit. Mamma mia. Here I go. MART MOPLD TIEME ooO10 11 a Y PPPPPY

Once again, a brief moment of peace. And once again, Mario came back to life, as he always does -- if you can call that living. He's still trapped somewhere in this Mushroom Kingdom, but by now he has given up trying to return to Brooklyn (if he remembers what that is). Think about that the next time you see Mario running around, chasing turtles while smiling vacantly and screaming inane catchphrases. Think about what has to happen to a man's mind for it to end up so thoroughly broken. Think about that, and ask yourself who the real monster is: the turtle that spits fire, or you?

MarioMario MarioM81 Super Mario 3D World Community HA-HA! YES! LET'SA GO! sob IMMA GONNA WINNE! chortle WOO-HOO! 0270 007150

Wait, HE HAS A CAT COSTUME NOW? Fuck it, I need this game.


Maxwell Yezpitelok is in Chile, and also on Twitter. Check out his FREE online comic!

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