Killing The Amazon Dash Button Will Only Make It Stronger

Alas, the Dash Button is dead. It was so young.

Amazon's idea was simple: A one-touch button for a specific product which, when pushed, would instantly order you more of said product. Pretty handy, right? Here's a familiar scenario, we're sure: You're fresh out of condoms from all the fantastic sex (with another person!) you've just had, and you expect to have a bunch more sex (with another person!) in the very near future. No problem! You just slam your fist down on a big red button -- like the one you imagine the president uses to launch nukes, only this one has the Trojan logo on it. A siren blares. A light flashes. Fear of the unknown sets in. Then, Amazon SWAT commandos explode through the windows, rubbers in hand. A quick flurry of high-fives for all the sex (with another person!) you're having, and then they leap away as you salute their heroic efforts.

It wasn't quite like that in reality.

Instead you'd push that button and ... nothing. No fanfare. Not even a robotic voice congratulating you on living in the future. Oh sure, a week later, you'd get some Nerf darts in the mail, or whatever it was you'd ordered, but it lacked drama. The fantasy was that hitting the button in a panic when you realized you were out of toilet paper would make a roll of Charmin materialize in your hand like it was beamed to you by the starship Enterprise. The reality was just a disappointment.

The Dash Button might be dead, but its spirit of disconnecting people from the money they're spending will live on forever in the Amazon Echo. With just your voice, you can order as many Nerf darts as you want without even lifting a finger to push a button. So do not mourn the passing of Dash; be happy, for its death heralds the coming of the Amazon singularity. We're one step closer to an Amazon brain-jack that instantly orders products two full days before you even know you need or want them, and then they show up at your door just as the desire enters your conscious mind, leaving you bewildered, lost, uncertain of your place in this Universe, and out $17.99 (but free shipping).

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. And check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's Goop parody BunnyEars.com.

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