It's Easier Than You Think to Accidentally Audition For Porn
Dina, just as outraged, is practically braying with rage and embarrassment. She assures everyone that neither she nor Ali knew that they happened to be auditioning in the presence of the visionary director behind Breast Wishes 14 and Bun Busters 12, (widely accepted as the Citizen Kane of ass-to-mouth). The argument is that Ali was merely auditioning for a non-porn movie and, as such, assumed there would be no need for the involvement of anyone associated in the porn industry. It is nothing but a total freak coincidence that puts them in the same room together. (While Dina happened to be filming her TV show for the E! Network.)
The public, naturally, is finding this "accident" story a little hard to swallow, but I can tell you, from firsthand experience, that accidentally auditioning for pornography is incredibly easy to do. So, I'm here to clear Ali and Dina's name, (and to, perhaps, coerce Dina into letting me enter her in next year's Kentucky Derby).
I don't care how hard you think it is to swallow, America. Open up, because you're gonna swallow all of it.
The whole thing.
***
I remember it well. I was 16 at the time, hoping to get my first job waiting tables."Good luck, Honey. Come home a working man," I remember Mamma O'Brien saying the day I left. There were tears of joy in her eyes as she wished her youngest son luck in his job-getting adventures. Somehow we both knew that, even though I'd always be her son, now that I was entering the work force, I was becoming a man. Things would never be the same. I knew there was a Macaroni Grill within walking distance of my house, so the night before, I searched online to see if they were looking for any extra help. Now, you've got to remember, this was years ago: The internet wasn't as finely tuned and organized as it is today. When I was 16, a Google search of Macaroni+Grill+Job could lead you to Macaroni Grill's website, but it could just as easily lead you to directions and information regarding Macocroni Grill
I really should have noticed something was wrong early on, to be honest. I mean, I was confused when I was instructed to meet in a smelly, poorly-lit basement for my interview instead of, say, a Macaroni Grill, but I didn't want to question the decisions of the men I hoped
DOB: Hey, thanks for seeing me, I won't let you down. I hope I can pasta test. Get it? Pasta? Like "pass the"? Did you catch that? It's a play on-
Director: Take your pants off.
DOB: Oh, okay, yes sir.
This was another one of those times when a warning flag should've shot right up but, time makes fools of us all, right? The interview got stranger and stranger and several hours later, when I found myself neck-deep in asses and Alfredo sauce, it became clear that this was not Macaroni Grill, but instead Macocroni Grill,
Long and sweaty story short, I don't blame Dina or Ali Lohan for accidentally auditioning in front of a porn director and you shouldn't either. You have no idea just how easy it is to stumble into the audition room of an adult film. One minute, you're trying hard to memorize the ingredients to Carmela's Chicken Rigatoni, and the next minute you're wearing a false moustache and assuring your stone cold fox of a health inspector that you'd do anything to convince her not to shut down your boss's restaurant, and you mean anything.
