YOU'RE A BEAR!
instead of an ordinary naked lumberjack.
You can't hide from marketing. If you're watching TV in the middle of the afternoon, the commercials know you need a job. They also know you need a magical medicine that burns fat during milkshakes. They're assholes, but they're right. The advertisers in Maxim
are just as smart, and they know that when you're shopping for the perfect aftershave, you fellas are going to listen to the wet, dreamy-eyed shipwreck survivor who juuuuust barely covers his penis. #3 is Maxim
, #2 is Gay, and if I'm reading it correctly, #1 is f*****g 100 percent Beef.
Nothing says Maxim
like #3, a disinterested gogo dancer in a vaguely nerd-themed outfit. However, that ad comes from a gay magazine. The Maxim
ad is #1, the one with the giant male model head undressing you with his eyes. Or as it's pronounced in the I'm-jerking-off-to-this-magazine world: "RECORD SCRAAAATCH!"
I don't want to sound homophobic, but with the look you're giving me, there better be some titties drawn on the inside of those contact lenses, buddy.
Anyone with a slight understanding of where all the entrance and exit points are on the human pelvis will tell you that the sex in the Vegas ad (#1) is almost certainly between a man and a woman. And maybe this is jealousy talking, but if the Polo model in #2 is heterosexual, someone should tell his delicate skin moisturizer and his bikini wax. That guy is so pretty that his father cries when he finally accepts him for who he is. So if you guessed using logic, you were wrong. #1 is Gay and #2 is