Sometimes I read Maxim in order to stay current on which bikini models the caption writer at Maxim wants to molest. It has saved my life six times. But as I was panting over the ladies of Project Runway and an interview with Ben Kingsley, I found myself strangely not masturbating. If I'm being honest, I think it's because on every two out of three pages of Maxim, there is a hunky, shirtless man leering back at me and trying to sell me cologne. They seem like great guys, but they just don't fit into the fantasy I was trying to build with all these pictures of the top half of breasts.
Maxim still seems to be written for the same red-blooded, sleep-raping American men that have always read it. But the advertisements seem to think differently, and if you have to pick between common sense and advertising, always go with advertising. Advertisers know
everything and if they think you're gay, double check your partner's genitals. Marketing is our most advanced science. When they invent the pill that cures cancer, they will spend more on product branding and focus testing than they will on clinical research. Note: This set of priorities is why all societies end in accidental zombies. But that's something we'll deal with when it's far too late. Right now, we're going to play:
IS IT GAY? OR IS IT MAXIM!?
I've taken ads from Maxim and put them next to ads from Instinct, a leading gay magazine. I picked it at random from a San Francisco bookstore while fighting the urge to explain to everyone within visual range that THIS IS FOR AN ARTICLE! Can you tell which ad came from which magazine? And to add a wildcard element, I'll also include a third ad taken from
A Bear's Life, a gay magazine specifically for the larger, hairier gentleman. Answers are below each picture, so don't cheat by scrolling too fast. Good luck!
I started you off with an easy one, so let's hope you got all three right.
A beer slow dancing with wheat is how you write "mustache on your dick" in hieroglyphics, but #1 is actually from Maxim.
#2 clearly shows two guys falling in love over a low calorie beer, and there's not enough alcohol in Bud Light to suggest that one of them might be doing it on accident. In fact, it has a warning right on the bottle about it:
"WARNING: NOT ENOUGH ALCOHOL PER VOLUME TO MAKE UGLY PEOPLE ATTRACTIVE. YOU WILL WASTE THE ENTIRE NIGHT TRYING FOR THINGS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE WHILE YOUR TEQUILA-DRINKING FRIEND GETS TO SECOND BASE WITH A GIRL NAMED JEFF. MADE FROM RECYCLED BEER."
As you can see from #3, ads in bear magazines are very, very targeted to bears. This one is for a membership card that you can present at participating locations to tell them
YOU'RE A BEAR! instead of an ordinary naked lumberjack.
You can't hide from marketing. If you're watching TV in the middle of the afternoon, the commercials know you need a job. They also know you need a magical medicine that burns fat during milkshakes. They're assholes, but they're right. The advertisers in Maxim are just as smart, and they know that when you're shopping for the perfect aftershave, you fellas are going to listen to the wet, dreamy-eyed shipwreck survivor who juuuuust barely covers his penis. #3 is Maxim, #2 is Gay, and if I'm reading it correctly, #1 is fucking 100 percent Beef.
Nothing says Maxim like #3, a disinterested gogo dancer in a vaguely nerd-themed outfit. However, that ad comes from a gay magazine. The Maxim ad is #1, the one with the giant male model head undressing you with his eyes. Or as it's pronounced in the I'm-jerking-off-to-this-magazine world:
I don't want to sound homophobic, but with the look you're giving me, there better be some titties drawn on the inside of those contact lenses, buddy.
Anyone with a slight understanding of where all the entrance and exit points are on the human pelvis will tell you that the sex in the Vegas ad (#1) is almost certainly between a man and a woman. And maybe this is jealousy talking, but if the Polo model in #2 is heterosexual, someone should tell his delicate skin moisturizer and his bikini wax. That guy is so pretty that his father cries when he finally accepts him for who he is. So if you guessed using logic, you were wrong. #1 is Gay and #2 is
The bear ad in #3 is almost like a warning. Because if you run a real estate agency or massage parlor and you're a bear, telling people that is pretty irrelevant if your massages or house tours
don't end in violent handjobs. What does giant gayness have to do with your jobs? It'd be like saying "Come see us at Chuck's Tractor Supply, licensed John Deere retailers who love masks and butt stuff!"
This one is tough. The naked army medics in the #1 spot could be from Maxim's gadget section, showcasing the latest in military X-ray optics. The Viagra ad in #2 is perfect for the Maxim reader whose erection got confused by six pages of lingerie girls surrounded by 80 pages of men with wet shirts and bulging junk. And you already know by now that shirtless Sawyer is exactly how Maxim likes to sell you cologne: by showing you a picture of a nude guy who probably smells like seaweed and jungle rot. Well, that's how they like to sell cologne to gay people too. #3 is from Instinct, #2 is Maxim and #1 is up for some night maneuvers.
This is the hardest one yet--your final challenge. Study these three ads carefully and decide... Gay, Maxim or Bear? Surprise: They're all Maxim.
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