Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup

Not a day goes by that I don't receive countless e-mails, letters, phone calls, telegrams, candygrams, strippergrams, and smoke signals, all expressing some form of, "Yeah, yeah---Wall Street in a panic, economy in the toilet, Hillary and Obama mud-wrestling, Ron Paul's sex tape---enough of that depressing stuff. We want more Unnecessary News!" Well, ask and ye shall receive, my imaginary friends! Fist of a Tiger: In commemoration of the time he finally beat his father at golf, Tiger Woods has established the "Fist Pump Challenge" to inspire young people to celebrate their own accomplishments. The legendary Nike spokesmodel said he hopes the challenge will help kids "highlight the moments in their lives that brought them closer to reaching their goals." When asked for examples, Woods said that possible "Fist Pumping" moments could include the first time you beat your father in a game, the first time you beat your father into unconsciousness, or the first time you got fisted. I'm Not Dead, I'm Just a Little Chile: Proving once again that the third developing world is an endless source of medical mishaps and shenanigans, funeral-goers in Chile were astonished recently when Feliberto Carrasco, whom they had come to mourn, woke up and asked for a glass of water. The 81-year old had been unconscious for so long that relatives believed him dead and even dressed him for his wake. After the miraculous "resurrection," Mr. Carrasco appeared to be fine, and has since returned to his favorite activities of pooping his pants, forgetting his own name, and wishing he was dead. Lopez Sez No Mo-pez*: George Lopez star George Lopez has decided he will retire at the age of 55 to safeguard his health. The comedian and kidney-transplant recipient plans to perform for another nine years before hanging up his microphone for good. The transition should be easy, however, as Lopez retired from making people laugh in 1994. *I nominate coming up with the title "Lopez Sez No Mo-pez" as my Fist Pumping moment. What's yours?