Well, my Cracked’y friends, it seems our enchanting time together is at a close, as I will shortly be off to pursue other endeavors (or “endeavours,” as our dainty readers from across Ye Olde Ponde would say). But before I go, I thought that rather than shoving out one more snarky post about celebrity proctological habits, it would be more fitting to turn the spotlight for once to you, the fabulous readers, whose ad-clicks have paid for my new kitchen.

So today I’d like to share some of my favorite reader comments from my stint here at the Cracked blog, separated into handy categories for your perusal. I believe they show that you are the true assholes here. I mean stars.

The Concerned Parents:

• badhog: what if this was your child?would you post her on this site just for comedy?I find the line between comedy and bad taste very fine
• jaek: Things of this nature only cease to be funny when something similar has happened to you or someone you care about. But that is typically what it takes for someone to gain prespective. A person who loves rape jokes would likely stop making them if they were subjected to that type of violence. It’s quite easy to point and laugh at the misfortune of others until then.

The Smartypantses:

• Ross: By the way, not to be a pedandic dick but Britain is four seperate countries with at least 10 or 20 counties each. Britain isn’t just London. Sorry to be pedantic, you know i love you guys (in a totally rugged manly way).
• Captain Ross: Technically to you British means English, therefore I escape on a geographical technicallity.
• Gladstone: Wait. I just realized you used the Walrus for Paul. True, Lennon said “the walrus was Paul” in Glass Onion, but that was a lie. John Lennon was the walrus — as in “I am the walrus, coo, coo, ca-joob”)
• RDawkins: I’d simply like to point out that Atheism is not a religion, rather, the absence of religion. I hope your consciousness has been raised.
• Brentin: Um, Ian, in the picture of the “trademark black cowboy hat”, the hat he’s wearing is white.
• Daniel O’Brien: Hey, if someone wanted to write a post about how people always use irony incorrectly, would it be ironic if the author of the post used irony incorrectly all throughout the post? Would that irony be nullified if it was discovered that the author used it incorrectly intentionally? Would that mean it ISN’T ironic anymore? Is it possible that there is NO SUCH THING as irony? I want you all to think about that while I finish up this heaping pile of cocaine.

(more…)

Not a day goes by that I don’t receive countless e-mails, letters, phone calls, telegrams, candygrams, strippergrams, and smoke signals, all expressing some form of, “Yeah, yeah—Wall Street in a panic, economy in the toilet, Hillary and Obama mud-wrestling, Ron Paul’s sex tape—enough of that depressing stuff. We want more Unnecessary News!” Well, ask and ye shall receive, my imaginary friends!

Fist of a Tiger: In commemoration of the time he finally beat his father at golf, Tiger Woods has established the “Fist Pump Challenge” to inspire young people to celebrate their own accomplishments. The legendary Nike spokesmodel said he hopes the challenge will help kids “highlight the moments in their lives that brought them closer to reaching their goals.” When asked for examples, Woods said that possible “Fist Pumping” moments could include the first time you beat your father in a game, the first time you beat your father into unconsciousness, or the first time you got fisted.

I’m Not Dead, I’m Just a Little Chile: Proving once again that the third developing world is an endless source of medical mishaps and shenanigans, funeral-goers in Chile were astonished recently when Feliberto Carrasco, whom they had come to mourn, woke up and asked for a glass of water. The 81-year old had been unconscious for so long that relatives believed him dead and even dressed him for his wake. After the miraculous “resurrection,” Mr. Carrasco appeared to be fine, and has since returned to his favorite activities of pooping his pants, forgetting his own name, and wishing he was dead.

Lopez Sez No Mo-pez*: George Lopez star George Lopez has decided he will retire at the age of 55 to safeguard his health. The comedian and kidney-transplant recipient plans to perform for another nine years before hanging up his microphone for good. The transition should be easy, however, as Lopez retired from making people laugh in 1994.

*I nominate coming up with the title “Lopez Sez No Mo-pez” as my Fist Pumping moment. What’s yours?

Okay folks, time to set aside such weighty matters as Tom Cruise’s gun, Val Kilmer’s gut, and the amazing vocal talents of Gladstone, and once again turn your attention to those matters least deserving of attention… the Unnecessary News!

Asshole Adonis: Mustachioed macho-man Burt Reynolds told reporters recently that he hates looking at pictures from his 70s-sex-god days because they make him look like “an asshole.” The Cannonball Run II star much prefers recent photos, which make him look like an asshole with a really shitty facelift.

Nothing and Nobody: In accordance with my solemn vow of January 4th, nothing reportedly happened to no person this week, much to the shock of no one. Despite the fact that Starpulse is clearly baiting me, I steadfastly report that no half-unclothed person made any non-statement to any public employees regarding said lack of clothes or that non-existent person’s attractiveness, nor wrote any suicide notes, nor purchased any reproductive diagnostic tests at any time. It just didn’t happen!

And finally, in the item voted “Most Likely to Earn Me a Death Threat”:

Papal Bull: Just in time to be ten years too late, Pope Benedict XVI has lashed out at the colossally successful Harry Potter franchise. The Supreme Pontiff (shown here in his “Bad Santa” costume) argued in the Vatican’s newspaper L’Osservatore Romano that the popular books and films could lead children towards an “unhealthy” interest in Satanism, and away from healthier pursuits such as giving priests handjobs.

Unnecessary, I tell you!

It’s been a big week for meaningless crap, so I won’t dally with the usual homily about the virtues of protecting your mind from abrasive topics of genuine consequence. Suffice it to say that my great-grandfather lived to just shy of his 108th birthday, and he chalked it all up to unfiltered cigarettes, frequent lap dances, and a steady diet of Unnecessary News! Let’s begin:

Be Prepared (to take a bullet): The president of the probably war-torn nation the Maldive Republic was shocked today when an attempt on his life by a knife-wielding attacker was foiled by a quick-thinking Boy Scout. However, when the boy was later discovered to be gay, officials expelled him from the Scouts, revoked his training, and ordered the result of the attempted stabbing overturned. (Elections for a new president will be held next month.)

Oh, the Irony: A New Hampshire campaign rally yesterday for Senator Hillary Clinton was interrupted by a man who shouted “Iron my shirt!” and held up a sign bearing the same demand. While the exact meaning of the man’s message has yet to be established, pundits have suggested the following possible contexts for the statement:

1. “My shirt” is obviously a reference to the struggling U.S. textile industry, which has lost much of its once-mighty market share to inexpensive Chinese clothing manufactured without the restrictions of American labor laws, resulting in the loss of countless domestic jobs. The protester asks Sen. Clinton to “iron” this issue—that is, to smooth relations between labor unions and clothing manufacturers in order to compete more effectively in the global marketplace.

2. The man is a paid activist-advertiser for the upcoming film Iron Man, in which troubled actor Robert Downey Jr. portrays the beloved Marvel Superhero. He had originally planned to say “Iron Man! In theaters May 2nd!” but after getting the first word out, suddenly realized he’d left his promotional t-shirt on the dresser (despite repeated reminders by his wife), and interrupted himself to say, “My shirt!”

3. When deciding which shirt to wear to the rally, the man unwisely chose one made of iron; it quickly became so uncomfortable that he had no choice but to shout this fact to the crowd in the hope that a good Samaritan would help him take it off.

Un Sticky Situación: A boy in Mexico attempted to get out of going to school this week by gluing himself to his bed. That’s not the joke. The joke is the awesome graphic which accompanied the story:

This is listed as “AFP/Illustration”, which tells me that AFP, which is by all accounts a respected news institution, needs to fire their illustrator immediately. First, the text is all squished horizontally. Second, the text is in English, even though the kid lives in Mexico. Third, the glue bottle has little wavy lines shooting out of it, representing God-knows-what. Fourth, it looks like it was drawn by a 6-year-old who’s glued to a bed.

“Sure,” you ask, “you can criticize, but could you do better?” Well, Mr. or Mrs. Smartypants, in addition to my Cracked duties, I also happen to be a professional graphic artist, so yes I can. In fact, here’s an example of what a real professional-quality illustration looks like:

It’s simple; it’s elegant; it tells the story. (AFP, I’m available for freelance. Talk to my agent.)

It’s time once again to shed your worldly concerns about depressing issues like the global warming whatsit, the War on Whatever, the subprime mortgage doodad, and the fact that you had to scavenge your children’s Christmas presents out of dumpsters (after scavenging those dumpsters out of larger dumpsters)—and ease your furrowed brows with the soothing inanity of the Unnecessary News. It’s hypoallergenic, pre-digested, and guaranteed to work gently by morning. So let’s get crack(ed)in’:

Subliminal Huckbertising: Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been accused of flaunting his religion in a campaign ad which featured Huckabee in front of what appeared to be a floating cross. However, a spokesman insisted the imagery was accidental, saying, “it was supposed to be a burning cross!”

Be Niece, Until it Is Time to Not Be Niece: Although Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed that she is indeed “with child,” older sis and parenting expert Britney is refusing to believe it:

… Hours after the news broke on Tuesday, the troubled pop star dismissed the reports. In video footage posted on TMZ.com, Spears is heard telling the paparazzi, “She’s not. My sister is not pregnant.”

However, Britney’s denial actually fits quite well with her preferred philosophy on children: “If you ignore them, they’ll go away.”

Dohertyshambles: The rock band Babyshambles, which is rumored to be among the front-runners for a 2008 Grammy in the category of “Outstanding Performance by a Group whose Lead Singer Has Banged Kate Moss,” was forced to scrap a recent show early after their beloved crooner Pete Doherty took ill:

Doherty… managed to perform eight tracks with his band before he was forced to leave the stage, insisting he was too sick to continue. The troubled star is alleged to be suffering from a bout of flu, which caused him to vomit and faint backstage.

… incidentally, “flu” is British for “drugs.”

It’s time for another edition of the feature which provides you with essential news and analysis about vitally important topics of the utmost relevance to you. Opposite Day! Let’s begin…

Hat’s Off: Garth Brooks (whose 1997 Central Park concert was mistaken by me for a terrifying redneck invasion of New York City) has donated his trademark black cowboy hat (shown at right) to the Smithsonian Institution, where it will presumably be showcased as an article of national historical significance, somewhere between an original copy of the Declaration of Independence and Abe Lincoln’s buttplug collection. (In a related story, Chris Gaines’s eyeliner pencil was donated to the dumpster behind the taco truck in the Smithsonian parking lot.)

Marsters of the Homoverse: Actor James Marsters, formerly of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, got a little squeamish about some “Brokeback to the Future”-style action he engaged in while shooting the BBC sci-fi show Torchwood:

[Marsters] shared an on-screen smooch with openly gay actor John Barrowman for the hit show, but Barrowman claims Marsters wasn’t entirely comfortable with their man-on-man action. He says, “After the scene he snogged (kissed) his girlfriend to re-establish his masculinity.”

One little homoerotic kiss and he runs screaming to his girlfriend? Sounds like somebody has some issues about his sexual identity. Personally, I’m so confident in my masculinity that I had sex with like 10 guys before I even had breakfast this morning, just to prove how straight I am. Lightweight!

Put That in Your Toad and Smoke It: Desperate for new ways to fight the tedium of living in a relatively free, safe, prosperous, non war-torn country, American young people have begun experimenting with smoking the extracted venom of the Sonoran Desert toad, according to police. This novel method of self-medication is believed to have been discovered only after a rigorous experimental process during which the inventors had no reaction to the following:

• Poo-huffing
• Toejam snorting
• Antifreeze footbaths
• Poison oak brownies
• Tampon and banana sandwiches
• Dirt smoothies
• Scorpion enemas
• Licking old guys’ wallets
• Drinking pot
• Smoking wine
• Looking at pictures of sheep

Neverending stories of impending global catastrophe, ecological disaster, and geopolitical meltdown got you down? Well, friends, set aside those difficult-to-digest plates of unpalatable facts and get ready for some less intestinally-distressing fare, because it’s time once again for my roundup of all the news you absolutely, positively, don’t need to know at all. Let’s get to it!

Bindi Irwin, Hip-Hop Mogul: Australia’s favorite fatherless child is refusing to let her dad’s unfortunate ascension to the Great Crocodile Pit in the Sky hold back her own burgeoning career, and plans to release her first rap single next month. With lyrics like “I’m afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me,” the song is sure to be a hit, but Bindi has a warning for any potential haters out there: “You muthaf@*$in’ stingrays tryin’ to get in my path/Don’t be surprised when you get a shotgun up your ass. G’day, muthaf#*%ers.”

Amy Winehouse Kills Again: The rampaging tornado of whirling drugs and crusty makeup known as Amy Winehouse has claimed another innocent victim—this time, a harmless hamster. The adorable, formerly live and pooping hamster met his fate at Winehouse’s hands last year at the apartment of Palladium singer Peter Pepper, who said, “I’d been to bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry. The next thing I know, (the hamster) bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it… But I went to put a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back, Amy said she’s put it to bed and it was sleeping. But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard.” (This is believed to be the last time Winehouse made anything hard.) How many more victims must this menace claim before someone puts a stop to her reign of terror and lousy soul music? Who will protect us and our pets? (As an incentive to any drug dealers who may be inclined to put her out of our misery, I should add that Winehouse’s body mass is now thought to consist of at least 40% pure cocaine.)

Alba Gives Regards to Broadway: Jessica Alba, who would be the very definition of my perfect woman if she were only unable to speak, has decided to show off the artistic range she displayed in such cinematic tours de force as Honey and The Fantastic Four by taking on Broadway. The star is set to appear in the role of Karen in David Mamet’s classic “Speed-the-Plow.” (In a bonus bit of unnecessary news, it turns out that David Mamet and Sidney Lumet are not the same person.) However, Mamet is rumored to be customizing the play to showcase Alba’s unique talents, as indicated by his revision of the script to a one-page sheet consisting of the words “Enter KAREN, naked. Two hours pass. CURTAIN.”

[More Unnecessary News here.]

How many times have you opened your copy of the Outer Topeka Daily Anti-Semite looking for a quick diversion, only to find weighty stories of global chaos and economic catastrophe? Well, my friends, I refuse to believe my grandfather died fighting the Huns on the shores of Luxembourg or wherever so that any man, woman, child, or transsexual should feel obligated to read anything important, ever. That’s not my America.

Therefore, it is with this in mind that I hereby inaugurate a new feature, wherein I scour the netwaves for those news stories that are the most absolutely, positively unnecessary, and share them with you, so that you may bask happily in their complete and total irrelevance to your lives. Let’s begin!

The Legend of Octo-Girl: Despite the fact that public demand for superheroes is at an all-time high, one potential crime-fighting natural wonder is about to be nipped in the bud. This amazing Indian child (secret identity: “Lakshmi”) was born with two times the arms, two times the legs, and eight times the charm of a normal baby. Tragically, misguided doctors plan to remove this adorable tot’s extra limbs long before she has a chance to grow into a teenage mutant ninja cephalopod with a thirst for justice.

Kim Cattrall Begs Nephew Not To Go To Iraq: Kim Cattrall, who in my mind is always wearing her sexy Big Trouble in Little China outfit, has been trying to convince her nephew to say “thanks but no thanks” to fighting in Iraq. (We’re still fighting in Iraq? Where have I been?) So far, her main method of persuasion has been to send the 18-year-old gruesome articles and photographs from the conflict. If I were in the young soldier’s position (which I would never be—fallen arches, bad eyesight, and a note from my doctor confirming that I’m a coward), I would respond by immediately trying to convince Auntie Kim to not appear in the new Sex in the City movie by sending her grisly closeups of her own wrinkles.

Great Wheel of China: The Chinese, who are continuing to kick our asses at everything from giant/midget comedy teams to sheer multitude of Wangs, have upped the ante once again by unveiling plans for the world’s largest Ferris Wheel (or as Rosie O’Donnell would say… well, let’s not get into that). If my wild speculations are true, the 700-ft. tall wheel will include such features as:

• a constant deafening soundtrack of patriotic songs;
• high-powered safety showers to remove lead dust (no more than every five minutes);
• a top-of-the-wheel “Lil’ Mao’s Family Fun and Anti-Imperialist Re-education Center”; and
• one bathroom break near the end of the 6.5 hour ride, available at the low cost of your pledge of eternal allegiance to the Glorious People’s Revolution