"I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn
No-No #1: Action Sequences (Of A Non-Sexual Nature)
The Scenario: A Hungarian "student" named Anita (who looks suspiciously like a stripper) has moved to America to learn English (from a professor who looks suspiciously like a porn star). In introducing her to the country, the "professor" warns Anita about the unbelievably dangerous "garter snakes" in the area. Naturally, Anita is attacked by one a few seconds later, prompting the "professor" to punch it in the face and save the day. He then offers to show Anita a different, less scary snake, presumably his penis, which she then (presumably) wrestles to the ground and punches in the face
Related: The Single Most Unexpectedly Creepy Kids’ Movie Of All Time
No-No #2: Plots Involving Frisbees and/or Lawsuits
The Scenario: When two young women decide to beat the summer heat by playing frisbee - makes sense already, right? - they accidentally knock a male jogger unconscious. Afraid they're going to get in trouble of some sort, they drag the unconscious man to a house and discuss how they're going to "get rid of the body." Then, to everyone's surprise, the man wakes up, one of the girls reveals that she can't go to jail because she's "only a teenager," and then they all have sex with each other.
Related: 'Borat 2' Star Rudy Giuliani Evaded Dominion Voting Systems' Lawsuit Process Servers For A Week, A New Report Claims
No-No #3: Plots Involving "Brain Cancer"
The Scenario: An intimate moment between a young couple is spoiled... by brain cancer. Why It Doesn't Work: Because brain cancer is the opposite of a boner.
Related: 6 Movie Plots Solved In Minutes With Common Sense
No-No #4: Lazy Editing
The Scenario: Upon hearing that a (presumably male) driver is headed somewhere close to her house, a comely young lady asks for a ride home.
Related: The 7 Most Impressively Lazy Employees of All-Time
No-No #5: Just Fuck Already
Related: 5 Apocalyptic Chain Reactions (That Have Already Started)
No-No #6: Mixing Porno And Politics
The Scenario: Two drunk Russians' tank breaks down in front of Sarah Palin's house. They ask to use her phone to call the Kremlin, drop a few lame pick-up lines, and then bang her silly on the couch. Todd, Trig and the gang are mysteriously absent. Why It Doesn't Work: I have absolutely no problem with this one, actually. It's perfect.