"I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn

No-No #1: Action Sequences (Of A Non-Sexual Nature)
The Scenario: A Hungarian "student" named Anita (who looks suspiciously like a stripper) has moved to America to learn English (from a professor who looks suspiciously like a porn star). In introducing her to the country, the "professor" warns Anita about the unbelievably dangerous "garter snakes" in the area. Naturally, Anita is attacked by one a few seconds later, prompting the "professor" to punch it in the face and save the day. He then offers to show Anita a different, less scary snake, presumably his penis, which she then (presumably) wrestles to the ground and punches in the face1
No-No #2: Plots Involving Frisbees and/or Lawsuits
The Scenario: When two young women decide to beat the summer heat by playing frisbee - makes sense already, right? - they accidentally knock a male jogger unconscious. Afraid they're going to get in trouble of some sort, they drag the unconscious man to a house and discuss how they're going to "get rid of the body." Then, to everyone's surprise, the man wakes up, one of the girls reveals that she can't go to jail because she's "only a teenager," and then they all have sex with each other. Why It Doesn't Work: The vast majority of of all pornos begin and end on private property. Know why? Because it's legal to have sex there. Starting a scene off in a public park might seem like a good idea on paper, but as a porn director you need to do some preparation: Can you get permits to film people fucking in the middle of a park? (No.) How are you going to get them from the park (where they can't have sex) to a couch (where they can)? If your answer is "They'll hit him in the head with a frisbee, drag his unconscious body to a house, and then fuck him to make sure he doesn't press charges," then congratulations: You have what it takes to be a porn director. Are you familiar with Occam's Razor
No-No #3: Plots Involving "Brain Cancer"
The Scenario: An intimate moment between a young couple is spoiled... by brain cancer. Why It Doesn't Work: Because brain cancer is the opposite of a boner.
No-No #4: Lazy Editing
The Scenario: Upon hearing that a (presumably male) driver is headed somewhere close to her house, a comely young lady asks for a ride home. Why It Doesn't Work: The scenario itself - the timeless "Can I Have A Ride" story (Stock Pornographic Plot #127) - is actually a totally serviceable one, but the delivery of this key bit of dialogue is crucial to the success of the film. If the girl can't ask for a ride in a clear and concise way, then how is the guy supposed to know what she's talking about? If the guy doesn't know what she's talking about, then how is he supposed to drive her home? And perhaps most importantly, if he doesn't drive her home, then how is she supposed to blow and/or bone him as a token of gratitude? On another, more practical level, boners require a complex interplay between brain signals, nerve synapses and blood vessels. With an absolutely insane sentence like "would it be possible to drop me off near there, I live right near there, my roommate just dropped me off" bouncing around inside the viewer's brain, how is he supposed to get down to the task at hand? I know film is expensive and 70s pornography was shot on a shoestring budget, but somebody really should have yelled "CUT!" on this one.
No-No #5: Just Fuck Already
No-No #6: Mixing Porno And Politics
The Scenario: Two drunk Russians' tank breaks down in front of Sarah Palin's house. They ask to use her phone to call the Kremlin, drop a few lame pick-up lines, and then bang her silly on the couch. Todd, Trig and the gang are mysteriously absent. Why It Doesn't Work: I have absolutely no problem with this one, actually. It's perfect.