Nobody Ever Said Being A Porn Star Was Going To Be Easy: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Pop quiz, hotshot: It's 11 a.m., you have a righteous hangover, and you're on the set of a hardcore pornographic film that you're about to star in. The director hands you a t-shirt that says "Canada" on it, mumbles something about garter snakes, and then gets a page on his beeper and storms off to go return the call on his "car phone." If time were on your side you'd be at home right now, doing lines of blow and leisurely shaving your balls, but the schedule says you need to actively fucking by 12 o'clock sharp, and not only have you not seen a script yet, but you haven't even eaten BREAKFAST, and everyone on the set knows it'll be a cold day in the San Fernando Valley before your dick's gonna get hard without a plateful of scrambled eggs and some black coffee to charge the ol' meat battery.
But you don't have time to worry about that, because now the camera is rolling and some Hungarian girl who barely speaks English is staring at you, waiting for you to say something. You welcome her to America, then remember that your shirt says "Canada" on it, but justify it to yourself by thinking, "I meant 'America' like 'North America.' You know... like... the continent." Next thing you know she's smelling some leaves because, hey, that's what you do when you're trying to get your bearings in a strange new country, but then all of the sudden she's screaming and you're wrestling a giant rubber snake on the ground, thinking to yourself, "Whatever - beats the 10 p.m. - 5 a.m. shift at The Nutbush." Then the snake slithers away, the cameraman yells "CUT!" and you have just enough time to chew some aspirin before you have to start having sexual intercourse with a Hungarian girl who has jewelry stashed inside of vagina.
Moments later you remember why you got into this business in the first place. Then you go home, do a few lines of cocaine, shave your balls and think to yourself, "It's a living."
what's the name of this porno? haha i'm curious, i've seen that guy before but never that girl
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ReplyAmazing, I'm going to use this line from now on
ReplyLazenby wasn't that bad; he was only in one flick, right after connery left the series, and in it, Bond actually gets married (and then becomes a widower ten seconds later). a lot of people disliked it, because, hey, Bond doesn't get married, but it was based on a book, so, there wasn't a lot that he could do about it.
Replyalso, man, that guy was pure guts! a gigantic garter snake, surely mutated by something, is a terrifying prospect. I applaud his bravery, seriously. how do you spell hero? I'll tell you; t-h-a-t-g-u-y.
James Bond fans get genuinely upset about James Bond. Like when a new movie comes out and you think, neat-o, a new James Bond movie, then you spend 8.00 to go see it and it's Die Another Day and you realize how badly the creators of James Bond hate you, and how much they want to hurt you.
ReplyYeah. Ok. But does George Lazenby count? Wasn't he in one movie?
ReplyYeah, Majesty's Secret Service I think. i remember liking that one as a kid but only because it was on a mountain, as opposed to a boat like goldeneye.
I just hate Roger Moore.
I was kidding by the way, onodera. No one gets that genuinely upset about James Bond. I think...
Is it just me, or was that garter snake somewhat larger and more aggressive than the average garter snake? I find it amusing that they went through the trouble to give it the correct markings to add to the overall realism of this film. I can see the director now going "No, no, you dumbasses! The ones with the yellow stripes are indigenous to the Northeast! Someone get me a competent herpetologist to paint this fake snake so this doesn't get panned by the critics!"
ReplyColdCalfCity: I was talking about the lead into sex... Bond is full of crappy puns that Jr. High boys think are sly. Basically, the same line the man in the video makes about his trouser snake is a typical Bond line.
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