Whether it’s making us bust a gut by being the ‘wooooorst’ twin sister in Pawnee, Indiana, or clutch at our heartstrings with just her voice giving life to a shell with shoes, Slate’s presence is always an addition, never a subtraction
There's something you should know about me, in case I ever decide to respond to one of the numerous invitations I get to come and hang out at your various houses (I would have already, but I'm still working my way through the stack of free blowjob offers). And what you should know is: I don't take it well when parties end.
I'm the kind of guy who notices people grabbing their coats and milling around near the entrances and immediately leaps onto a glass coffee table, rips off his pants and starts leading a one-man chorus of "Louie, Louie." I'm the kind of guy who insists that everyone wander around looking for an open bar, or, better yet, a closed Chuck E. Cheese's. The point is, I'm lonely.
Which is why I've decided to keep the Independence Day fever (not to be confused with the mosquito-borne Independence Day Fever currently laying siege to the Eastern seaboard) going! The hot dogs may be cold, the hangovers mounting, and the bloody fingers strewn across the driveway next to spent firecracker casings, but did you hear?!
They found George Washington's House!
According to David Muaraca, a man whose greatest accomplishment in life is likely to be this minor addition to the understanding of the accomplishments of someone else, this discovery can teach us a lot about America’s first President. For example, pottery shards discovered in the house’s basement have revealed that Washington’s father may have been violently abusive, shattering pots as fast as his mother could make them.
The find has debunked some popular Washington myths—there were no cherry trees on the property, and evidence suggests that the “great blaze of Christmas Eve, 1740” was fairly small and localized. Even more disappointing, there was absolutely no evidence whatsoever to support my own “Washington was actually a young Chinese girl disguising herself so she could fight in the army in her father’s stead” theory.
But on the upside—at least for us America-holics—they uncovered thousands of artifacts from Washington’s early life that may end up giving us a fuller picture of young George than we’ve ever had. A set of tiny, child-sized powdered wigs, for example, intimate that the boy may have had some idea of the greatness he was destined for.
Now I’m no archaeologist—I’m more of a
“put bones in the ground” guy—but I think it’d be a swell ID4 party game to try and make some broad conclusions based on the finds already uncovered. Then while those egghead historians are taking years to fully understand the implications of a scrap of rotted parchment, we’ll have a fully formed vision of lil’ George to inspire us towards an even deeper disappointment towards our own kids.
What They Found: That the house was a large one-an-a-half story home, rather than the rustic cottage previously thought.
What It Means: Thousands of poor kids across the nation can finally stop imagining that anyone but their rich, spoiled counterparts have a shot at the history books and get back to making my fries.
What They Found: Pieces of the painted walls and ceiling that had fallen into the basement.
What It Means: Washington was an unruly child, constantly painting on the walls and even the ceiling, prompting his mother to hide the walls and ceiling in the basement when company came over.
What They Found: A chimney flue with the symbol of the Masonic Lodge engraved on it.
What It Means: I’m not allowed to tell you, but I can say this: the crow flies at midnight.
What They Found: A cache of wine bottles, knives, forks, and small figurines.
What It Means: Drunk off the masters’ cabernet, these small soldiers had planned a bloody takeover of the Washington home, the suppression of which was surely a formative early battle for the young General.
What They Found: Scissors and a set of wig curlers.
What It Means: No, Washington wasn’t effeminate. He just happened to be a natural at wig grooming, which was considered a very manful pastime in the 18th century. As was floral cultivation, streamside handjobs, and WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE GEORGE WASHINGTON?!
What They Found: A number of unnamed “luxury items.”
What It Means: I’ll tell you what it means! These filthy archaeologists are making off with the Washington Treasure! They’ve found a veritable cornucopia of luxury and refuse to share it with any of us! I say we march to Fredericksburg and burn that mother down!
What They Found: Clay bowls and arrowheads.
What It Means: Washington was an Iroquois Indian.
There! Now, with our own sterling vision of Washington in our minds—the conspiring, effeminate Native American rascal that he was—we’re ready to truly celebrate our nation’s Independence. To the mulled cider!
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael does this.
Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter
Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!