I Cannot Tell A Lie: George Washington Was An Iroquois Freedom Fighter
There's something you should know about me, in case I ever decide to respond to one of the numerous invitations I get to come and hang out at your various houses (I would have already, but I'm still working my way through the stack of free blowjob offers). And what you should know is: I don't take it well when parties end. I'm the kind of guy who notices people grabbing their coats and milling around near the entrances and immediately leaps onto a glass coffee table, rips off his pants and starts leading a one-man chorus of "Louie, Louie." I'm the kind of guy who insists that everyone wander around looking for an open bar, or, better yet, a closed Chuck E. Cheese's. The point is, I'm lonely. Which is why I've decided to keep the Independence Day fever (not to be confused with the mosquito-borne Independence Day Fever currently laying siege to the Eastern seaboard) going! The hot dogs may be cold, the hangovers mounting, and the bloody fingers strewn across the driveway next to spent firecracker casings, but did you hear?! They found George Washington's House! According to David Muaraca, a man whose greatest accomplishment in life is likely to be this minor addition to the understanding of the accomplishments of someone else, this discovery can teach us a lot about America’s first President. For example, pottery shards discovered in the house’s basement have revealed that Washington’s father may have been violently abusive, shattering pots as fast as his mother could make them. The find has debunked some popular Washington myths—there were no cherry trees on the property, and evidence suggests that the “great blaze of Christmas Eve, 1740” was fairly small and localized. Even more disappointing, there was absolutely no evidence whatsoever to support my own “Washington was actually a young Chinese girl disguising herself so she could fight in the army in her father’s stead” theory. But on the upside—at least for us America-holics—they uncovered thousands of artifacts from Washington’s early life that may end up giving us a fuller picture of young George than we’ve ever had. A set of tiny, child-sized powdered wigs, for example, intimate that the boy may have had some idea of the greatness he was destined for. Now I’m no archaeologist—I’m more of a
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael does this.