How To Train An Army of Animals To Do Your Bidding
Screams "I demand respect!" Also, "RAAAAAWR!"
Other ideas in the same vein: - Penguin drawn carriage. - A basket tethered to hundreds of owls. - Hamster shoes.* *Until science breeds a stronger hamster (write your Congressman) you may have to make do with lying down very carefully on a group of about 80 trained hamsters and crowd surfing about. Still pretty cool. Impressing women: It's a simple fact of life that women tend to be more attracted to successful men, and particularly men with power. And if your career at Orange Julius is leaving you feeling a little low in the "success" and "power" departments, why not give a boost to your sex life by acquiring an army of loyal animal minions? The solution is so obvious!
"Yes I would like to go to the park and watch a pack of dingos tear apart people of your choosing!"__ Tips on Procurement. For exotics, a trip abroad is sadly your only real option. As a profession, zookeepers are surprisingly resistant to bribes and quick to cast judgment. Unless you possess greater charisma than I (you don't), or deeper pockets (more likely) I don't suggest you go down that route. Common domestic animals are much easier, and the usual sources apply: the SPCA, classified ads or Craigslist. Be sure to pick your animals up one at a time though. People seem to get a little hesitant when you pull up in a van with thirty cats already inside of it, and will ask lots of questions about your "crazy, darting eyes."
A word regarding the classic motivation balance of the carrot or the stick: beating an animal with a carrot is largely ineffective.Other Tips: Odor control: Animals have a much more developed sense of smell than humans do, and consequently have developed incredibly complicated systems for determining whom to mate with and where to pee*. Although you'll be unable to detect most of these scents, you should have a basic understanding of how this works and it's importance, if only to make you feel better about the stench that will haunt your every waking hour. *German animals have been known to confuse these signals. Scat: Training an army of animals to use flush toilets will be prohibitively time consuming for all but the most dedicated animal-army-having enthusiasts. So for most of us, this becomes more a problem of residuals management, with the industry standard approach being, "don't stay in one place for very long." I'd also add that it's probably a good idea to wash your hands before doing basically anything. Final Thoughts: The road ahead of you is full of challenges and odors, and you'll require dedication and persistence to make it to the end. Print this off, keep it in your wallet and refer to it every time you find yourself having doubts.