6 Online IQ Tests Created by Complete Morons
For the past year, lunatics have been buying up ad space around the Internet to tell us how stupid we are. Their banners are as ubiquitous as they are crazy-- optical illusions, broken English riddles, and fake email notifications that all lead to the same site-- OfficialIQquiz.com. If you're stupid enough to click on one of their ads, you'll see that their IQ test is untimed and ten questions long. If these right now are letters to you and not a parade of meaningless shapes you're trying to eat, it's truly inconceivable that you could get one wrong. How many weeks are in a year? What's the chemical equation of water? How many teddy bears is one teddy bear? And when you're done, it texts you your results (which they say, no bullshit, varies on gender). This also signs you up for a monthly service that texts you "facts" for ten dollars a month. By now you're probably seeing that there's a secret, easier intelligence test hiding behind the first one. So who would fall for this? Well, the site seems to be weeding out potential non-stupids with their ads. These are all wildly different, all categorically nuts, and all seem to have no idea what "I.Q." means. I can't tell if they were made by geniuses trying to find morons or morons trying to find advanced morons. I haven't ruled out that it's one rich madman trying to find someone smart enough to build him Spacebike and Spacebike Extreme. Luckily, I've been collecting them, so let's go through six of my favorites and see if we can't get to the bottom of it all. If this is Photoshopped, let's hope it was done from a prison. This isn't an intelligence test, it's a genetic crime scene. It's the worst thing marketed to dumb people who think they're smart people since Frasier. If you email Human-Dog HYBRID to someone, all their houseplants die. The Wrong Answer: Flight. It doesn't matter if it's real or not. If it's real, run from it and all the small things that have parts of it in their mouths. If someone made this, then their hands and brain should be considered rapists. Every second you spend not fleeing is another twenty points off your IQ. You see how that Human-Dog baby-puppy on the left is dead? That's nature's way of telling you not to drink breast milk out of a fucking monstrosity. And it's a trap. Because it's not dead at all and now it's behind you and there's 15 of it.
The Genius Answer: Fight.
You think this beast deserves your pity? Think again. Or better yet, don't. This is no time for thinking. It's time to correct what dog sperm got wrong. Human-Dog HYBRID is not to blame, but blame it. For everything. I just hope you have enough bullets left after it stops bleating to fire a few rounds into the heavens. May they strike whatever dark god allowed it.
Wow, Spider-Man has really let himself go.
The Wrong Answer: Six.
You unbelievable racist.
The Genius Answer: Hail Prince Insecto.
Lord Insecto, I can hear the gift of you inside my mind. I already feel my memories transforming themselves into fuckbeds for your larva. 2,3,4... not to change the subject, but it's six, right? I mean, it has to be.
What? Bet I can't do what right? Are you trying to see if I'm a replicant?
The Wrong Answer: Maybe?
There is a classic optical illusion where two silhouetted faces create the shape of a candlestick between them. This seems to be an advanced version of that where two faces create a candlestick and also have a mariachi band inside them. I imagine if you looked hard enough, there are probably a few wolves and a treasure map in there too. And all that's great, but I still don't know what about any of this makes anyone smart. Is it to see how well I can detect tiny Mexicans camouflaged among the elderly? How is that useful to me if I'm not a condor?
The Genius Answer: Oh, I get it.
Only 3.3% of people(?) get this question(?) right, which makes me think 3.3% of the population are insane in exactly the same way as the people who made these ads. Running that through a google search of "3.3%" and "mental disorder" indicates that 3.3 is the exact percent of volunteers at the National Institute of Mental Health who developed mental disorders from substance abuse. Coincidence? How else do you explain that questionless question made up of tiny foreign people living on faces.
This is probably the IQ Quiz's most famous ad. It's like Highlights For Kids, but adapted for our adult needs. So instead of developing the skills to spot a close-up view of a sea sponge, we're developing the skills to spot a post-op view of a penis. And speaking as someone who spends a lot of time very drunk, here's a truism they don't teach in philosophy class: if you ever think something only