The Terrifying Future Of The Transformers Franchise
Beef-skunks of the internet, thunderclap your incredulous tongues! To the lament of many a headline, there's going to be 14 more Transformers films!
That's 37 additional hours of mecha-Bloodsport we can look forward to as a nation. And when you consider that the average production for each Transformers takes 2-3 years (it's been a decade since the first film), that puts Transformers 19 in the span of 2050 to 2060. Anyone graduating high school this year will be closing out the franchise with their infant grandchild or cyborg courtesan (depending on your life choices).
So if you're not one for waiting, allow me to tell you exactly what 2060 will bring to the Transformers mythology... all while using nothing but my highly advanced brain.
Movies generally require people. But considering that the world population in 2060 will be 10 billion, perhaps moviegoers will be super sick of humans gunking up their entertainment. Assuming there are bipedal flesh creatures featured in this jive-killing robot fiasco, I'm going to guarantee that they will be engaged in a love story of some kind.
And much like our exponentially growing life expectancy, the Transformers films have been gradually increasing the age difference between their male and female leads.
Age difference: 0 years.
Age difference: 1 year.
Age difference: 3 years.
You've existed long enough to know which gender is getting older than the other. And as these movies continued, this seemingly small difference became a larger plot point when Michael Bay literally shoved statutory rape laws in our faces. Now, in The Last Knight, Mark Wahlberg's character Cade Yeager is getting a romantic lead who's 14 years younger.
Sure, 14 years still isn't much when you're talking about an older couple. But going by that exponential jump, the age difference in the 19th film will be 47,221,574,400 years. Failing that, I'm gonna say that Transformers 2060 will feature a love story between a 16-year-old girl and a 60-year old dude -- probably played by the kid who plays Dustin on Stranger Things. Also, 70-year-old Mark Wahlberg will totally be there, along with a wacky black sidekick friend played by Idris Elba. When asked why such a prestigious and old actor would participate in Transformers, Elba will go on about what an artistic inspiration 90-year-old Michael Bay is and that the film was a blast to make. Because that's literally what happens every time a veteran actor farts their way through the Transformers cash-tunnel.
He was doing the scare quotes in his heart.
There's no way around it: Transformers 2060 will be about 9/11.
Sorry, but it's absolutely going to happen. If the first five movies can rewrite the creation of the Hoover Dam and Pyramids, turn the moon landing into a alien spaceship hunt, kill the dinosaurs, and now reveal a plotline where the Autobots fought the Nazis... there's no reason why 40 years from now we'll learn that the Boeings which struck the World Trade Center were secretly Airwave and Skyhopper. Our heroes will discover some lost video featuring a CG-resurrected John Turturro explaining that Ground Zero was the secret crash site of an Autobot holding ship called Alchemor Prison, and September 11th was one of several Decepticon attempts at a prison break (the first being in 1993).
Technically that means these people would still be wrong.
You know this in your heart to be true. The crisis of the film will be the investigation into this long-lost secret, followed by the climax when Megatron finally manages to spring his friends from their underground jail. Sure enough, the 9/11 memorial will detonate like a disgruntled MythBuster as extras run down West Street without a single drop of historical self-awareness. Out from the smoldering hole will emerge Groundpounder, Sharkticon, and any other sucky barrel-wash 19 films have yet to digitize. We'll also see the Stunticons and most definitely begin a live action spin-off for Transformers: Kiss Players -- which was the Japanese series where robots get "power-ups" every time they're kissed by underage girls.
You've got bad touch, you've got the power
Not at all kidding. Hey, remember when I said that the male lead could be billions of years older than the female lead? Well that would actually make sense if one of them was an ancient robot from space.
In keeping with their tradition of seriously endangering people and property, the production of Transformers 2060 will kill 74 children. Also -- considering that they've managed to shoot stunts on the Pyramids and decorated Winston Churchill's home with Nazi flags, I'm going to predict that Transformers 19 will light Arlington National Cemetery on fire. The entire thing. Yes, some people will get upset, but 90-year-old Bay will insist that the robotic corpse-puppet military characters act heroically in the context of the plot, so real veterans would be happy with the portrayal.
I'm starting to think that Bay doesn't know the difference between "smiling" and "wincing."
And yes... Michael Bay will be directing this, as well as every Transformers film ever made. I know he's said it's his last film, but that's exactly what he claimed about the last two sequels before presumably stuffing Paramount cash-sacks into his Pontiac Firebird.
No, Michael Bay isn't walking away from this acrid shame dumpster -- not when there's money to be made. And believe me, this turd will have legs thanks to China and the low, low standards of future product placement. Not to mention that, with luck, production costs will get way cheaper by the time Chevrolet rolls out its 2060 self-driving bipedal Camaro and Transformers will be considered a contemporary work of fiction.
The Moviegoing Experience
It should probably be noted that by 2060, the original Transformers cartoon will be 76 years old. To put that in perspective, imagine if they never stopped making Flash Gordon movies and the latest VR game was about Ming the Merciless. Kids will hear rambling grandpa stories about Optimus Prime like he was fucking Jackie Robinson. But despite being a "classic" series, Transformers will always exist on a large screen. And what it loses in nostalgia will be regained with ball-clenching spectacle.
That's just a few examples of what movie theaters look like today. By 2060, as VR and home theaters get better, large cinemas will undoubtedly become amusement parks where a select few billion-dollar films get shown. And while no doubt Marvel and Star Wars will make some genuinely good works of art to fit this format, Transformers will inevitably fall short.
Instead, the series will rely on assaulting your senses in such a way to draw crowds for the sheer body high. Despite being four hours long, the film will contain an average shot length of 1/12th of a second. Teenagers will have scream-seizures in the aisles, and the film will eventually be deemed illegal in nearly all 56 states, save for Nevada and The Commonwealth Of Brohio.
By 2100, releasing a Transformers film will be considered a war crime. Only it'll be too late to stop it. The series will have become self-aware, ascending past the physical plane and even time itself. It will be all and always. Birth and decay. Transformers is us. We are Transformers. Don't try to fight it; it is already here.
Dave is on the Twitter.