There's a news story we here at the Cracked Blog offices have been asked not to post on. A topic so taboo, we can only discuss it openly while so drunk there's no hope of remembering what we talked about.
Generally, this means Gladstone talks about it a lot, and the rest of us have at one point or another been awoken by the unwelcome torrent of human urine.
But dammit Cracked, I am a blogger of the people, and the people must know! Ladies and gentlemen, at the risk of my own life, I must warn you: The Demolition Man is coming. No, they’re not re-releasing the movie; I’m telling you that the plot of The Demolition Man is coming true.
Don't believe me?
Exhibit A, the much-forwarded story of
Wesley Snipes’ 3-year sentence in prison for tax evasion. Or should I call him by his soon-to-be prison name, Simon Phoenix?
Exhibit B, Sylvester Stallone. What’s he been up to? Using illegal growth hormones, practicing his killing skills, and fighting robots. Could he be getting ready for the inevitable embrace of Cryosleep as he awaits the year 2032?
The media’s got all the pieces, but refuses to make the connection. News items presaging the events of the landmark 1993 Stallone/Snipes vehicle have been cropping up for months now, and still…forced silence, even from Cracked, the leaders in breaking stories about future anti-utopian action scenarios. WHO’S PAYING YOU TO KEEP THIS QUIET?!
Fortunately, it’s not too late to prepare. Until certain key events play out, we’ve still got time:
A massive earthquake hits the American Southwest in 2010.
Cryogenic sleep is perfected and becomes the predominate mode of incarcerating felons.
Los Angeles and San Diego merge into a single, gleaming utopia dubbed “San Angeles.”
Sylvester Stallone is charged with the negligent murder of a bus full of civilians.
Before all of this inevitably happens, I suggest we form some kind of team, or group dedicated to maintaining a resistance against the corrupt and insensitive future aristocracy; a team of downtrodden patriots awaiting the opportunity to rise up and help dismantle the sterile horror our lives will have become.
I mean, wiping your ass with shells? Last time I checked, this was
And in America, the only kind of "Vir-sex" we have is in our imaginations and movies...and clips on our computers, and TV if it's late, and also sometimes in magazines (although not as much anymore). See, we're already on a slippery slope! This is why we need a team!
And let’s give the team a cool 20's name, like “Moxie Men,” or “Scrappy,” or “The Pizzazz.” Oh I know! The Scraps!
Oh my God...it’s happening.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael blogs for crack as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
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