Fox Whores Itself For Cookies (or I AM NOT DAN O'BRIEN)
So after three straight weeks of tooling on CNN, Hate By Numbers has come home to Fox News where apparently they are totally OK with running informercials for diet products under the guise of medical reports. It should be mentioned that due to my new computer, loaded with the as bad as you've heard Windows Vista, HBN almost didn't happen this week. But MJ-89 stepped forward with her IT know how and plucky Australian determination. Thanks MJ! But of course, the real story this week is the inability of certain Cracked readers to tell DOB and me apart. Read all about it after the vid. Last week, Dan O'Brien poked a little fun at me in his Roseanne article by dropping my Facebook link and beseeching the Cracked readers to befriend me. I chuckled and got ready to receive a handful of friend requests. Surprisingly, there were over a hundred. Even more surprising, about 20 of them were from people trying to befriend Dan O'Brien. I was incredulous. How could anyone mix up Dan O'Brien and me? We are nothing alike. I was mad. Indignant. Insulted. And I knew exactly what to do. I stormed into Editor in Chief Jack O'Brien's office and demanded an explanation: "This business about the readers mixing up me and DOB has got to stop!" I asserted. But Jack wasn't paying attention. He was proofing Ross's new article about
The 7 Craziest Advice Tips For Ebay Shoppers.
"Check it out," he said without looking up. "Really first rate. If it weren't for the fact that Ross occasionally murders people in accordance with the phases of the moon, he'd be my favorite Cracked blogger."
But I wasn't interested in hearing about Ross. "Are you listening to me, Premature E-Jack-U-Lation?" I inquired. "We have a problem here."
"What is it NOW, Dan," Jack said, looking up from the piece. "Oh, Gladstone . . . I thought . . ."
"Thought what, Banana Jackeries?"
"Thought you were someone else. Never mind.... And stop calling me that."
I knew Jack was a reasonable man at heart. A man who unlike DOB and me, had never been held in Disney jail for asking Minnie Mouse (repeatedly) if she were "fucking Goofy," during a character breakfast. (That shit just does NOT get old.) I tried to appeal to his inner businessmen.
"Listen to me, Three-Jack-A-Day-Smoking-Habit. Cracked has got to do a better job differentiating between DOB and me. Don't you want the readers to have TWO reasons to come visit Jacked.com?"
Jack tightened up his eyes in an inexplicable display of pain. I assumed the lashes from his recent dominatrix visit were flaring up. (I'd read that all powerful men have their own dominas.)
"First of all," he said. "You're doing it wrong. You're just supposed to do variations on my name -- not insert "Jack" into any word that happens to rhyme with it. Second, are you seriously complaining about this?"
"Of course not, Tic-Jack-Toe" I said, trying to think how I could complain without appearing to be complaining. I came up empty so I just tried affecting a more pleasing English accent. "It's just, I've worked hard to carve out my own identity, and when 19 year old Facebookers get confused by a link, it just ruins it for me. I mean, seriously, how could anyone mix up Dan O'Brien and me?"
"Why are you talking like that?"
"Do you like it, Ex-Jack Change Lane?"
"No. I hate it. And was that suppose to rhyme with
Check out some more of Gladstone's stuff HERE. And while you may already be his Facebook friend, have you joined the club that all the kids are talking about? And lastly, if you MUST be DOB's FB friend, then ...