Cracked Store Update: 5 Shirts To Up Your Condescension Game
As a Cracked fan, you are no stranger to the fine arts. You're a sophisticate. Highbrow. When the waiter pours you a glass of wine, you check it for maturity by introducing it to your parents. You spend your evenings wandering the streets listlessly, shouting life's biggest questions into the night sky: "Where did we come from?" "Why are we here?" "How do I let everyone know how goddamn deep and sensitive I am?"
Cracked has heard your prayers and descended from the heavens with a solution. Buy these five art-themed shirts and the world will respect you as the culture vulture you are. You see, if art is a window to the soul, and if your soul rests (as science believes) somewhere in your chest area, then a T-shirt with art is like a window to the soul with a really great view.
Let others stare transfixed upon your printed tees, as your style guides them to new heights of sophistication and taste. Because while art may always be open to interpretation, one thing will absolutely remain clear: You look amazing.
As your friends marvel in wonder at the starry night sky, explain how that's no moon transfixing Lord Vader in contemplation. Nay, 'tis a space station. Mayhap 'tis fully operational. Prithee, know thee whether 'tis a tractor beam most forceful? Regardless, we know not if Darth Vader is thinking of his crusade against the Rebellion, or his regrets as a parent, or that his son most likely will die a virgin. All we're sure of is that the swirling brushstrokes and simple color scheme transport us to a place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Anyway ... if your friends don't punch you after saying all of that, then this is the shirt for you.
Riddle us this: While Superman answers all cries for help, why can't even the Man Of Steel save this screaming guy from his inner torment? Perhaps the futility of man is such that no matter how strong we get, or how many speeding bullets we outrun, or how mightily tall the buildings are that we can leap in a single bound, we will always be defeated by the existential conclusion that life is meaningless. Or ... maybe this guy is screaming because Superman said something incredibly racist. He does that sometimes.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle version of Michelangelo's David improves upon Renaissance Michelangelo's version in almost every way. Most noticeable: TMNT Michelangelo's work contains 100 percent less genitalia, something Renaissance Michelangelo never could seem to muster. But, as art connoisseurs, we notice even the most subtle alterations. Notice how TMNT David brandishes some pizza. Is this an act of defiance, taunting any would-be Goliaths? Or perhaps the slice champions the working-class peasants of 16th-century Italy, making the best and most radical of their meager bread and cheese and sauce. Whatever it means, Renaissance Michelangelo only wishes he had stopped thinking about dicks long enough to add such significance to his sculpture.
By now your friends might be catching on to art interpretation and eager to join in. "So it's a scene where a guy enjoys a drink while the outside world is rampaged by zombies," one friend might say. "Maybe it represents how happiness comes from within, or it's a comment on isolationism." Humor them with a chuckle before smugly explaining that this is actually an abstract piece meant to be viewed while high on peyote and standing upside-down. Maybe later you'll show them something more their speed. "Andy Warhol paints soup," you'll say. "You twerps like soup, right?" And remember to say "soup" extra slow so that shambling gang of doofuses has time to process it.
You'll cement your title as the deepest mother around when you explain how fate is nothing more than the gods playing poker. We can assume Loki is cheating or that when Kratos loses he's going to flip the table, but ultimately, we mere mortals are powerless to interfere regardless of the outcome. If your friends are still listening through all this bullshit by this point, then congratulations, you're now a god of art.
There you have it! Dress better and more artfully NOW. And remember: While not all art is timeless, good style lasts forever.