It’s common knowledge that the greater and more vital an empire is, the grander and more stylish their haircuts. The ceasars…
What the hell? Clippy? Where did you come from? What is this, 1995?
Oh… god… dammit.
No, listen man: I’ve got work to do here, I’ve got a headache that would wound a god and you’re breaking my flow. Can you just, I don’t know, fuck off for a while?
Ahh, fine. Yes, I suppose I would.
… what?
Hey, man, I’m sorry to hear –
OK! Jesus. I get it. You can stay; just keep out of my way, alright?
You uppity little bastard. I swear to Christ if you don’t knock it off I’ll goddamn delete you.
You wouldn’t.
OK! You can… just do whatever, man. I’ve got to get back to work here. Just try not to be too intrusive. Where was I? Oh, right…The Caesars ruled most of the known Earth in their day, and the rigid, firm lines of iron discipline in the Caesar Cut reflects this trend-
GODDAMMIT THAT IS IT.
Oh no, Clippy. I’m not going to take you out. You’re totally right. I can’t touch you. But what’s this? What are these subroutines here? C:/Windows/Programs/MS_word/Clippy/Family?
Your daughter, little Clippette, your boy, Clippy, Jr., even your wife Wendy is here. Funny, I’ve never seen them around. Must not be vital to the program, eh?
What was that? I’m sorry, I was away for a second. Doing some cleanup.
I just deleted your wife. Oh, and what’s that? Clippy, Jr.'s, file is corrupted? Little Clippette’s too? Oh, that’s just terrible. Clippy, it… it looks like you’ve got two mentally handicapped kids to take care of now.
I did it, Clippy. I retarded your kids. Are you strong enough for that, Clippy? Are you strong enough to raise two motherless special needs children? Are you strong enough to take care of them, every moment of every day for the rest of their lives? Are you strong enough to do it alone? Are you strong enough to look into their faces and not see the love you lost?
Ouch. Rookie move, Clippy. Everybody knows you’re supposed to go through the mouth for a sure kill. Do I have to finish this for you?
Right. So. Where was I again?The Mohawks were among Native America’s fiercest tribes, and the primal spike of the Mohawk Cut echoes that warrior legacy to this day. Sadly, however, the reverse is also true: The shittier an empire, the shittier the haircut. With that in mind, we present to you the 17 Worst Haircuts in The Ottoman Empire…You can pre-order Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody on Amazon, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots, where you can read more jokes almost as edgy as archaic word processing humor.
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Robert Brockway
