The prosecutor addressed me, his back to a courtroom full of my peers, my friends, my family and Gladstone. The prosecutor spoke.
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"Please state for the record your name."
"Sure. D to the-"
"
Into the microphone, please." I leaned forward and tapped the small microphone a few times.
"Check. Check. Can you hear me in the back? One. Two."
"Yes, that's fine, now-"
"Three and to the four, Snoop D-O-B and Brockter Dre is at the door."
"Just your name, please," the prosecutor said.
"Ready to make an entrance, so back on up."
"That's
plenty." The prosecutor again. Brockway stood up from his seat at the
defense table.
"
'Cause you know we 'bout to rip shit up."
"
Order," the judge shouted, banging his gavel. For real, judges still use gavels. It'll always amaze me that, in 2009, where we have the Internet and indoor plumbing and spaceships, it's
still acceptable for a respected official to express his opinion by bashing a giant, wooden hammer over and over again. It's not like I wave a giant sword around my head whenever I'm bored. I mean, I might
now. I'm just saying if hammer-smashing is so socially acceptable, I should be able to swing a sword around or chuck some grenades when the mood strikes me.
"What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. O'Brien," the prosecutor asked. I paused thoughtfully.
"Mr. Prosecutor, Dr. Judge, members of the jury: I'm just saying if hammer-smashing is so socially acceptable, I should be able to swing a sword around or chuck some grenades when the mood strikes me." The courtroom was completely silent, except for Brockway who immediately chimed in with, "Seconded."
"
Mr. O'Brien," the prosecutor began, "your time may be utterly worthless but, please keep in mind, the jury's time is
not. You and Mr. Brockway have a lot to answer for. So? Start talking." I was at a loss. My entire strategy hinged on the fact that the prosecuting attorney would be a decent-to-attractive chick, so I could say, "More like proseCUTEST" as my opening and closing statements, with some very convincing push-ups thrown in between.