The 6 Things You'll Need To Stay Employed Forever

This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.

Contrary to what the cult of startup worshippers might say, you don't need to live anywhere near Silicon Valley to earn a living as a software developer. Which is great, because landing a Bay Area apartment requires a six-figure salary and a pact with the devil. And the best part is that coding, unlike a ton of other jobs, can't be automated, because it is literally the process in which you tell the computer how to automate. (Eat it, robots.) So grab on to your bootstraps and hold on tight, because the only things you'll need to get started are these resources:

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The Ultimate Learn To Code 2017 Bundle

So you've decided to enter the world of coding. Huzzah! But despite what R2-D2 would have you believe, coding isn't as simple as sticking your thumb drive in any random socket and beep-booping a few times. Different platforms require different techniques. This course bundle is like an amuse bouche of programming, offering a wide array of instructional materials to let you sample various coding disciplines and see what suits your fancy. You'll work with websites, mobile games, network applications, and perhaps the occasional Death Star wall outlet. You can get it here for 95 percent off the usual cost.

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The Complete Web Developer Course 2.0

This course will give you a deep dive into all aspects of web technology. You'll learn the basics of HTML and CSS, as well as advanced topics like the Bootstrap front-end framework, interacting with MySQL databases, and responsive mobile development. All of that stuff might sound like the contents of an overturned Scrabble board, but we promise that it's remarkably easy to understand once you learn the basics. Pick up this course for 87 percent off.

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The Complete Computer Science Bundle

It's hard to stand out as a nerd amongst computer programmers, but if you're the type that hears the word "science" and feels the blood rushing to your pocket protector, then this might be the course bundle for you. The complete computer science bundle will get your feet wet with the academic side of programming, allowing you to explore lower-level languages like C and C++, study advanced data structures, and master object-oriented programming. Grab this comprehensive collection for 89 percent off -- tape for the bridge of your glasses sold separately.

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Learning to program doesn't necessarily require copious all-nighters, but it never hurts to have access to a steady dose of caffeine just in case. Our stainless steel travel mugs will keep your drinks hot (or cold) well through the night, and will fit almost any cup holder. But don't forget to take a break from your midnight quest into the world of coding. If the Punisher needs some levity every once in a while, then you sure as hell do too.

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Optimus Prime! Teddy Roosevelt! Is there a combination in existence more suited for the rough-riding coder? Not on this planet. Because if Teddy Roosevelt can get shot in the chest during a campaign speech and speak for another 90 minutes, and if Optimus Prime can get blown up in like 800 straight movies and still muster a war cry for Cybertron, then certainly you can master a few courses about numbers and stuff. Your country will thank you for it.

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You'll code like a woman possessed after drinking from this "There is no Dana, Only Zuul" travel mug. OK, maybe not literally. But considering Dana/Zuul was instantly able to speak in ancient Sumerian, we have to believe that she'd pick up Java and C++ just fine. So use that as inspiration, and if you do happen to get overtaken by an ancient evil spirit, hopefully it'll be one that has a keen interest in Ruby on Rails.

I want to be a programming wizard!

Well, this article isn't exactly Hogwarts, but we appreciate the enthusiasm. You can pick up these learning bundles, travel mugs, and a whole bunch of other fantastic stuff by clicking these links for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store. Now go out there and get a coding job. And you better hurry.

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