Barbecue for Bastards
It's National Barbecue Month! When we last discussed How to BBQ like a Real Man, we covered the basics of barbecue, including history, grilling methods, and how alcohol aids the cooking process, particularly if you imbibe it. It is well-established in alcohological studies that drunks know more than anyone else.This time, we get in-depth with the preparation that separates heavenly barbecue from those ruffian grilled meats. We're going to take a look at the spices and marinades you might tinker in God's domain with, and then we're going to do a bump in the bathroom when we think you're not looking. What?! Caught!? This is flour, for breading the chicken! Don't believe me, eh? HAVE AT THEE!
- Will I use a rub and/or marinade? Or just skip the foreplay?
- Can heterosexuals cook with capers? Ohhh, I hope so, because capers are delicious!
- Should I listen to the voices?
- What if there is no God?
- Do I care?
- What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?
Can you imagine how delicious Sphinx must have been?
Some people find the taste of Guilt too bitter, and substitute with the sweeter Accepting That It Wasn't Their Fault
The finely honed flint knife has fallen out of fashion with the gentry
Try not to picture the flesh of your enemies while you make your cuts, as this will make the meat taste too sweet. When butchering, you might also consider radical implosion, the practice of turning a live pig inside out with revolutionary Vac-Yum! technology. Otherwise, simply pat the meat lovingly and rub your dry flavorings on.
In the sequel he takes his shirt off TWICE.
So you see the inherent complications with this spice. I suggest rebranding it as something secure and comforting, like Robocopseed. Until then, substitute for it with genocideseed, or, if you absolutely must, marjoram.
Which brings us to our next marinade.
Brendan McGinley wrote the book on barbecue.