Barbecue for Bastards

By:

It's National Barbecue Month! When we last discussed How to BBQ like a Real Man, we covered the basics of barbecue, including history, grilling methods, and how alcohol aids the cooking process, particularly if you imbibe it. It is well-established in alcohological studies that drunks know more than anyone else.

This time, we get in-depth with the preparation that separates heavenly barbecue from those ruffian grilled meats. We're going to take a look at the spices and marinades you might tinker in God's domain with, and then we're going to do a bump in the bathroom when we think you're not looking. What?! Caught!? This is flour, for breading the chicken! Don't believe me, eh? HAVE AT THEE!

QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE COOKING:

  • Will I use a rub and/or marinade? Or just skip the foreplay?

  • Can heterosexuals cook with capers? Ohhh, I hope so, because capers are delicious!

  • Should I listen to the voices?

  • What if there is no God?

  • Do I care?

  • What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?

All of those are rhetorical questions except the last, to which the answer is "A crab with leprosy." If you thought it was "Man," put down your kit and go see the Sphinx for tearing apart.

Barbecue for Bastards

Can you imagine how delicious Sphinx must have been?

A GUIDE TO FLAVOR

The basic flavors are as follows:

Fig. 1.1. Basic flavors and their combinations Sweet Sour Sally Bimer Smoky Fat/Oil SUB-FLAVORS Indlcates sub-sub-flavor Love Guilt Victory Grandfathe

Some people find the taste of Guilt too bitter, and substitute with the sweeter Accepting That It Wasn't Their Fault

PREPARING THE MEAT

A good bear-trap pays for itself by procuring exotic game at no cost and seasoning meat with the delicious taste of fear. It also saves you onerous butchery if the animal chews off its own leg to escape. Additionally, it repels thieves, cuckolders, and pesky neighborhood children.

If you do not have a bear trap, you may purchase meat at the store with your ration stamps. Sure, mista, y'got ya ration stamps, don'tcha? We all gotta pitch in to beat the Ratzis! On Wednesdays we get horse meat, and on Sunday it's this boot what we boiled with some water our neighbor lent us. We don't have much but we have pride, which you can swallow, but sadly, not eat.

A word on preparing seafood for barbecue:

Fish is notorious for flaking apart on the grill just when it gets delicious. You may want to toughen it up first by framing it for a violent crime it didn't commit. Let it suffer indignities for ten long years in jail. Be careful not to let it get too bitter!

Crustaceans and mollusks, by contrast, are nature's canned food. Grilling an arthropod in the shell is like the deliciousness of a crockpot with the bragging rights of barbecue. Flavor the ones that resemble bugs beforehand by feeding them the leftovers from your last barbecue. Then taunt them. Not only is anger an ace seasoning, but crabs are total wankers who deserve to die frustrated. Try not to think about how much lobsters and shrimp look like cockroaches and sea-lice. Mmmmm!

CONGRATULATIONS, AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCE HAD THE BEST VIDEO EVER!

Crabs are as good as everyone says, but they're still jackasses

CAUTION: Remove any pearls from mollusks after you kill them, but be wary; this was exactly how Batman began. Ensure your clams have no heirs to swear vengeance upon their parents' delicious remains.

KITCHEN TOOLS

Mortar and pestle - It's essentially smashing things between rocks, so it's a solid man's tool. BONUS: it's sort of vaguely sexual.

Paintbrush - An excellent baste-applicator for midway through cooking. I recommend a red paint to give the meat that finished look. Oil-based paints will flavor the inner meat, while latex gives the exterior a crisp skin. Avoid lead-based paints, which react with sodium, and cause brain damage.

Mop - For larger bastes, some chefs use a mop, though I advise you, as a man, not to pick up a mop or talk about your feelings. Far better to die alone, cursing yourself for never asking father to say he loved you. There is nobility in what was needlessly lost to pride, friend. Nobility. Nobility...

SHARP-EDGED TOOLS

You should have a good collection of cutting implements so that police will have a difficult time determining which one you used to commit your horrible crimes.

GUIDE TO COMMON CUTTING IMPLEMENTS JAPANESEKNIVES SANTOKU Avery handy chopping tool which will geta confession thehardest character, TOYOTA This sturd

The finely honed flint knife has fallen out of fashion with the gentry

Try not to picture the flesh of your enemies while you make your cuts, as this will make the meat taste too sweet.

When butchering, you might also consider radical implosion, the practice of turning a live pig inside out with revolutionary Vac-Yum! technology.

Otherwise, simply pat the meat lovingly and rub your dry flavorings on.

DRY RUB

Here are some of the choicest herbs and spices to make your meat savory. But for a little extra, I can get you something stronger. Hold up: cops.

...okay, it's cool.

SAGE - Great on pork and chicken, this herb levels up to WIZARD once you log 2250+ experience points.

ROSEMARY - She ain't much to look at, but boy, can she cook.

PAPRIKA - Paprika is the reason we keep Hungary around instead of dividing it up into three countries - one for the Germans, one for the Turks and one for the Vampires. It's a little known fact that World War I started with a dispute over the last tin of paprika at the supermarket. Or maybe it was something to do with hate. I can't really be bothered to research the facts of every dehumanizing global conflict that comes along.

CILANTRO - Some people lack the gene to enjoy this wonderfully refreshing herb. To those lost souls, it merely tastes soapy. Find out beforehand if your guests dislike cilantro, so that you can make preparations to forcibly sterilize them. They're holding back the human race.

CORIANDER - If you can somehow stop yourself from eating all the cilantro, it sprouts spicy seeds which are then ground into a key component of curry. Typically, this is done by eunuchs (see above). An enterprising plan to process coriander with machinery failed in the '80s, after robots proved vulnerable to cilantro's delicious allure. Their story was adapted into the film
Short Circuit.

SAFFRON - This highly sought-after spice costs more per ounce than drugs only rich people take. Tens of thousands of flowers must be cultivated to make even the idea of saffron conceivable. To bring saffron into this dimension, 100 million flowers must die crying out to their deaf gods on the altar of a necromancing chef. If the CERN supercollider ever establishes the existence of the Higgs-Boson particle, it will taste like saffron.

CUMIN - From the Latin "Cum in Arcadia, ego," this fragrant spice is the final secret to the location of the Holy Grail. Can you guess where? The Victoria's Secret changing rooms? Good guess, but no. The answer is curry powder.

CURRY - Man, you can smell curry from half a mile away. Don't get me wrong, it smells great, but it could guide a ship home in the fog.

RAPESEED - Some words should not have two meanings. For example, "Child abuse" can mean either something horrifying like molestation, or harmless fun such as hitting a child because you had a hard day at work. So it is with rapeseed, which sounds foremost like an argument for abortion rights. I can't imagine enjoying a dish, no matter how delectable, once I find out the primary spice is rapeseed. Consider this highly plausible dinner party scenario, which according to surveys I never got around to conducting, has occurred a startling 10 times out of 9.

CAST Hostess MAVIS (No, wait, that's a stupid name.) EULABELLE Guest MAVIS (It grew on me. ) Police officers JERRY, LANE & PIERCE (Bobbies on the edge

In the sequel he takes his shirt off TWICE.

So you see the inherent complications with this spice. I suggest rebranding it as something secure and comforting, like Robocopseed. Until then, substitute for it with genocideseed, or, if you absolutely must, marjoram.

MACE --If you must use rapeseed, pair it with mace so the meat can repel its attacker until help arrives. For a good side dish, I recommend baked beans, which are high in fiber and a black belt in karate.

MARINADES

The final and most important step in preparation is the marinade. Later in the cooking process you'll baste and caramelize, but right now, you need to focus on liqui-sealing flavor into this mighty bastard. Most fellows like to use a mixture of salt, sugars, acids, and water to disseminate flavor, but those won't kill you fast enough for my liking, so these are the three most acceptable ingredients in any man's barbecue. I leave their proportions to you, and those who survive, I'll see outside at the grill.

MAYONNAISE - Now this is a man's condiment! Deriving its name from a Punic general, it kills 1 in 5 consumers. The cause of death is deliciousness, which is the scientific name for yellow arterial plaque.

Barbecue for Bastards

Which brings us to our next marinade.

BUTTER - The Irish have a saying; "What butter and whiskey cannot cure, there is no cure for," which explains a lot about centuries of Irish suffering, but if you've ever had Kerrygold, you'll agree. Economic theory says a nation must only produce guns or butter, though people who make guns use them to acquire butter. Everything which is Not Butter may be considered a means to the end of acquiring Butter. Put it on your toast. And your lover's toast. And your lover. The uses are quite literally endless.

EGGS - When grilling beef, which deserves our full respect, modern manly pit bosses find eggs to be too effeminate, opting instead for a glaze of rooster semen. Most of the good roosters, however, are either gay or taken. If you can't find any rooster semen, substitute with whatever's at hand.

What, are you suddenly picky about which gametes you eat?

Brendan McGinley wrote the book on barbecue.

Related: 5 Surprisingly Common Deaths You Never Considered

Boldly Go!

This week in One Cracked Fact, we're heading to space. Join us--subscribe now!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Forgot Password?