Kanye West Steals Mic At MTV Awards

This article concerns Mr. West's recent status change from "Danger to himself" to "Danger to himself and others" following his outburst on the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards.

The reason's not as important as the result

Imagine it in his voice. for full effect.

Until you pretend to have learned better.

Just The Facts

  1. Kanye West is the greatest rapper ever. He also works harder than anyone on the planet. He is personal super-BFFs with Jesus.
  2. He became the sole arbiter of pop culture following victory in the landmark case "West v. Common Sense". Common Decency was named as co-defendant.
  3. He enjoys fishsticks in his mouth.
  4. On Sept. 13, 2009, West snatched the microphone from Taylor Swift to praise Beyonce as the deserved winner for Best Female Video.
  5. Swift is a twig-limbed 18-year-old girl who sings heartfelt songs about high-school crushes.

The premise

Prior to Sept. 13, Kanye West was best known for his truckload of awards, hysterical tantrums about the other awards and recognition he has yet or is ineligible to receive, comparing himself to Jesus, and occasionally rapping. West pioneered the style of reading from a rhyming dictionary until all similarly sounded words are exhausted.

Wealth of talent has long barred West from the accolades he deserves. One early incident was in 2007 when MTV, a megacorporate monolith best known for its relentless promotion of talentless, shallow drivel, selected Disney stooge Britney Spears to open the Video Music Awards. It's important to remember this is not West's first tussle with a blonde teenybopper probably not worth his time.

Rather than take this as a compliment, West vowed not to let his musical talent get the better of his career. He has set about the last two years to show not all rappers are thugs. They can also be self-involved preppy douchebags.

Taylor Swift, like West, is a musical prodigy who writes what she knows. Swift's songs are primarily about young love and surviving high school, while West's songs are about Kanye West. She is one of the few artists to top both the pop and country charts, an accomplishment as fulfilling as a general conquering Sweden and Latvia: lucrative, but not glorious. She is unique among her peers for actually knowing how to compose and perform music. Your stepfather has likely googled her with "Safe Search" off.

Beyonce Knowles is a project first conceived by music producer Mathew Knowles in 1980. Jay-Z acquired the rights in 2008. She looks like this:

Who wouldn't put a ring on it?

We're told she also sings.

Swift's and Knowles' videos were in competition with the same crap you'd expect for Best Female Video at the 2009 Video Music Awards. The awards are highly coveted among horrible people, and winning one is only slightly less prestigious than failing to conquer Sweden or Latvia.

The Incident

2009 was a good year for Swift, with the doe-eyed innocent ranking the 69th highest paid celebrity on Earth (since Fate has both a keen sense of irony and a fifth grader's sense of humor). She made a million for every year she's been alive just by writing songs about boys with soulful eyes. Presumably. Look, we don't actually listen to her. Except this one time. Our girlfriend made us watch "Love Story" but we only cried out of one eye, and those tears granted wishes if the weeper had a noble soul. At any rate, she was an MTV award and a date with Robert Pattinson away from living every teenage girl's dream. Don't believe she's their hero? Here's a sampling of YouTube usernames leaving comments on Swift's page. See if you can spot the made-up one:

  • luvcocopups
  • PeppermintLime13
  • LSUCutie
  • OMGitzTiffany
  • cutieangelloll
  • Fantachick123

Similarly blessed was Knowles, who has been the queen of pop for a decade now. One would be hard pressed to name a way in which her life could improve. Unfortunately in life as well as music West doesn't quit until all possibilities, however ludicrous, have been thrust on stage and paraded around to the point of exasperation.

When Swift was announced as the winner, she took the stage and began to deliver the same gracious speech we've all heard a million times when someone famous who's not a prick gets an award. She got about one name out before West swiped the microphone from her hands, offered a meaningless, pre-emptive apology, and launched a decree so utterly shameless it would have made Dick Cheney blush (if the only blood in his body weren't someone else's in his stomach).

The pricktacular West declared Knowles the true winner in the magical kingdom in his head, where Dropout Bears of all colors play in the clouds, the ginger bread beaches and the gumdrop forests are always sparkling, and every raincloud looks like Britney Spears, but it never rains in Kanye's wonderful world.

With the tact of an elephant raping a rhino, he voided the outcome and paid credit to Beyonce's moving story of a girl using an innocent clubgoer to make a dumber man jealous. O, what twisted webs were woven in the Epic Ballad of the Ring! Then he was gone, because the only difference between Batman and Kanye West is Batman lacks the insane moral certitude.

Or the ridiculous outfits.

You don't have the drive to be Kanye West, sir.

The Aftermath

By the end of the evening, Beyonce had three awards, including Best Editing (for her single-shot dance number), Best Choreography (for shaking it like a collicky baby), and Video of the Year (probably because nothing else could get play time between it). That last one's like winning Best Female Video + Sex + Probably Some Victory Over Male Hegemony. In fact, not only had she trumped Taylor, she'd done something Kanye had never done, which, of course, was his real issue all along.

She then showed grace and courtesy (something else Kanye's never done) by yielding her moment in the spotlight (you see the pattern) and inviting Taylor out to finish her speech and salvage her evening.

Kanye rushed to his blog to apologize, and followed up the next day, saying:

I feel like Ben Stiller in "Meet the Parents" when he messed up everything and Robert De Niro asked him to leave... That was Taylor's moment and I had no right in any way to take it from her. I am truly sorry.

Yeah, pretty much a cursory glance around his living room inspired the bard to write that one. Don't trouble yourself, prick. After all, you wouldn't want to sprain a leg climbing down from your soapbox, even though you can scramble up a stage just fine.

But he apologized, right? So we're clear, that apology was 191 fewer words than he spent forgiving South Park for calling him a self-absorbed douchebag who screws fish.

Kanye West was last seen hustling in an alley behind Legal Seafood in exchange for attention.

Why don't you get it?
Some people just don't get it.

Brendan McGinley wrote this, and many other wonderful things.