10 Michelle Wolf Jokes for the Hall of Fame

‘Brides will say things like, ‘It’s my special day.’ But how do you call it your day if your dad’s paying for it? I think it’s his day, and I think it’s a really weird day for him. He’s paying a ton of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night’

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Backwards Feet, Urban Street Dancing and How To Make Your Friends Really Uncomfortable In Your Bathroom: The (Friday) Nooner (EST)!

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Awesome Video Of The Day Backwards Feet Throw It Down It's been a rough week, but hey - THANK GOODNESS IT'S FRIDAY, right?! I'd like to send you off on your weekend with something positive and uplifting, something that will make all of your problems seem petty and small and bullshitty in comparison. Your boss might be a jerk, and maybe you can't quite afford that Crate & Barrel papasan (even though it would look awesome in that spare room), but hey - at least your feet aren't backwards. This guy is one of five people in the United States with backwards feet, but you know what? He's not letting it get him down. Instead, he lugs his boombox out to Venice Beach, dances his ass off and tells his audience they don't know SHIT about urban street dancing, about how to deal with the disabled, or even about how to deal with their own lives. "The world don't owe you shit," he says. "You owe yourself hard work, dedication and self-respect to get what you want in life. Very simple." And you thought you were just watching some dude with backwards feet dance around all weird. Little did you know you were learning a life lesson. I just wrote a whole paragraph that I deleted about how he's a wigger suffering from a Napoleon complex and how someone should challenge him to a race, but then I deleted it because I realized that I found this guy's story genuinely inspiring. I've talked shit about pretty much every video I've posted on this blog so far, but I honestly have nothing bad to say about this guy
1. Which means that I will probably never, EVER post anything even remotely inspiring ever again. Inspiration is NOT funny. (Thanks, Ian) 1 Other than the fact that the close-up shots that don't show his legs make him look like a totally normal douchebag that I would be perfectly comfortable making fun of. Oh - and the fact that he's probably a little too cocky for his own good. And the fact that he seems like the kind of guy who would take a casual drinking contest WAY too far and fall down shitfaced, and all these people would try to help him up because, you know, he's disabled, and he'd scream "I'M FINE! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" But he still wouldn't be able to get up, and everyone would get really quiet, and he would stumble around for a while and eventually leave the party or bar or whatever, but it would probably be pretty uncomfortable for a little while (unless it was a big, noisy party, in which case nobody would really notice).
The Worst Of "As Seen On TV" The Product: Talking Toilet Paper Holder The Ad Copy: "It's #1 in #2!" Price: $14.95 plus $6.95 shipping & handling Target Demographic: People buying a gift for their "wacky" uncle, friends that you shouldn't be friends with Why It Sucks: Here are the "hilarious" examples of what you might want to record on your talking toilet paper holder:
  • "Don't forget to wash your hands!"
  • "Please remain seated during the performance."
  • "This is a bathroom not a library!"
  • "Whoa! Somebody light a match... quick!"
  • "We can hear you all the way in the kitchen!"
    • Translation? This is a product made for people who want to make their guests miserable. Whether the joke is that your dump is loud, smelly, taking too long, or that you need to be reminded to wash your hands afterward, you probably don't want to be friends with anyone who would consider buying this. It's for people whose need for talking novelty items hasn't already been satisfied by Big Mouth Billy Bass. You'll come out of the bathroom and they'll offer you a hearty handshake - but they'll have a hand buzzer in their palm. Then they'll offer you some trick gum that makes you vomit and slap you in the face with a rubber chicken. If you encounter one of these things, sever all ties with the person who owns it immediately. Then sit back and watch the quality of your life improve. Stupid Factor (1 to 10): Like... a billion?

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