15 Brian Regan Jokes for the Hall of Fame

“The lamest crime is loitering. You imagine a guy with a 30-page rap sheet that’s all loitering. What do you do with a guy like that? Throw him in jail, where he can’t go anywhere?”

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Ashley Dupre to Headline SXSW 2009!

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For some reason, I'm filled with a fetishistic glee at the ongoing demise of the record industry. Maybe it's just the nerd in me thrilling to the birth of a new distribution medium, or maybe it's that growing up, Dad used to break Velvet Revolver records on our backs when we were bad. Whatever the case, I was pleased to see that even the most routine happening in the music world—like the start of the SXSW music festival in Austin—is as a matter of course paired with a discussion of record executives jumping out of office windows to their deaths and RIAA lawyers furiously and laughably suing people they choose at random off the street. The next interesting thing to see will be where bands are making money once physical media is purchased only by anachronistic hold-outs who get off on self-indulgent liner notes (ie, Gladstone).
The consensus in rock journalism seems to be that we're going to return to the era of the wandering minstrel, when musicians earned their keep only through live performance and the occasional ballad about dragon slaying. Which is romantic, but would probably lead to the premature dissolution of a lot of great, broke future bands. The more likely reality is that musicians will be getting a larger share of their own profits, and more directly, but they'll have to be a little more clever about finding ways to generate it:
  • Releasing "special edition" sets for the hardcore fan
  • Touring more and pushing merchandise
  • Looking under all the seats at the stadium after each show for change (that shit adds up)
  • Phasing out drummers and bassists, to lower overhead (I'm looking at you, Flea, you useless hunk of dead weight)
  • Charging groupies for sex. And I mean Eliot Spitzer money.
    • Of course they’ll have to offer a souvenir, like a nice signed photo of the sex act and a piece of chocolate with the band logo on it. Speaking of Spitzer, there’s the new paradigm in action for you right there. Governor fucks prostitute, prostitute releases R&B singles online, prostitute becomes rich 98 cents at a time. That’s very likely to become a classic story as home production and distribution gets easier. So I guess what I’m saying is entering a new age of music distribution isn’t necessarily going to make any of it any
    better. You’ll just get it differently. Like getting fucked in the ears with an ice pick instead of a seed drill. And that’s nice, right?
    Vote for Michael’s entry in the YOUTUBE SKETCHIES II Semi-Finals by clicking this link, then “next video” on the randomizer until you see his (”The Hot Farts”), then on the thumbs up. Complicated, isn’t it? Well, do it once per day per registered youtube account.

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