Announcing the Candidacy of Plumber/Sixpack
Joe The Plumber
Everybody's been talking about me a lot lately, because of some stuff I said to Obama. I don't really follow the polls that much, to be honest, but I assume that since everyone's talking about me so much, they must want me to be president, so I'll do that. What's my campaign about? Money, mostly. As I said in a recent Times interview that I was asked to give for no discernible reason, it's my discretion who I want to give my money to, it's not for the government to decide I make a little too much and so I need to share it with other people. That's not the American dream. That is a belief I will hold until the day I die: The government doesn't decide who I give my money to.
"I'd like to see you try to take my money, Senator Obama"Senator Obama thinks of himself as a "Robin Hood" figure, taking money from the greedy, evil corporations and redistributing it to the peasants. Again, as stated in the Times, I resent being called a "peasant." And if, as some have pointed out, Obama meant that I'm the greedy, evil corporation, I resent that, too. Hell, even if I'm supposed to be Robin Hood in this tricky, poorly-conceived metaphor, I'm still full of resentment. Basically I just don't want anyone touching my money. America, I'm a simple man. All I want in this life is all of the money in the world. That's it. I want to be rich, and I just don't want anyone screwing with my hard-earned toilet money. I'm just your average plumber earning a quarter of a million dollars a year, looking to expand my empire and make sure the government isn't involved in any way. So what if I
"I'd like to see you try to take my money, banker from Deal or No Deal"
Hey, I'm Joe Sixpack, and I think I should be your president, I guess. I don't really think I'd be a good president, but according to the news, America wants "someone like Joe Sixpack" to be president, and I'm more Joe Sixpack than anyone I know, so I figured Hell, why not go with the real deal, you know? Got shit else to do. Anyway, ever since she got the nomination, Sarah Palin's been talking about how much she cares about Joe Sixpack, and everyone's calling her The Joe Sixpack Candidate. As a response, it turns out that Biden's pretty Sixpacky too, because he's from a small town in Pennsylvania and often rides on the train, or whatever. Basically, Sarah Palin and Joe Biden are two people who claim to be very in touch with blue-collar, hardworking "Joe Sixpack types." Hey, here's a thing. Let's play a little game. Let's say someone asked you to come up with a list of occupations that a blue-collar, hardworking "Joe Sixpack type" would have. I could come up with a few things. Carpenter. Construction Worker. Plumber, like my esteemed running mate, Joe. But you know what jobs
"This might be a shovel. Isn't that blue collar? I just dig holes, like, all day. "Oh, and let's talk about riding trains, since that's evidently an important factor in deciding who should lead our country. So, Biden rides trains to get from Point A to Point B. Great. But, if Point A is the floor of the Senate and Point B is an interview with Larry King, it doesn't matter
I'm aware that my running mate also said he's running for president, and I'm cool with that. We're both kinda running for president, I guess.
"We're both kinda running for president, I guess."