An Interview With Caps Lock: The Most Misunderstood Key
Because there's nothing I'd enjoy less than talking to some guy with a beard talk about keyboard design, and with a desire to get a fresh view on this matter, I chose to approach someone with a more immediate understanding of the issues at hand: the Caps Lock key himself.
Pulling in to the driveway of his sprawling ranch home, I observed Caps Lock leaning casually against a post on his front porch. He greeted me with an easy smile as I got out of the car. I turned on my tape recorder and began... CRACKED: So Caps Lock, how have you been lately? CAPS LOCK: I've been good Chris. Keeping busy around the homestead. Making the most out of how lucky I've been. CRACKED: Yeah? That's terrific. I guess before we start, there is one thing I suspect my readers will be immediately curious about: You don't speak in capital letters yourself?

Comforting the hysterical Left Shift as we sped away, I reflected on the cruelty of a world that could drive a key over the edge like that. A key with so much promise, tormented by a lifetime of abuse, and neglect, and the capitalization of Martin Lawrence screenplays. Now isolated, and insane. Truly, we have gotten the Caps Lock key we deserved.
My ruminations on the wretchedness of man's treatment of its keyboards were halted by the increasingly inflamed Left Shift, the intensity of our shared brush with death having sparked a fire within her. The details of the sexual encounter which followed, although revealing even more about the depravity of man, will, for now, have to wait for another column. ________________________
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