Carlos Mencia's Twitter: 25 Posts Too Unfunny to be Stolen
When Carlos Mencia got a Twitter account, I knew it was a great opportunity to see how one of our finest comedic minds works. He's the Bad Boy of Comedy! Except only he himself called himself that and it was only to set up a joke about how that's a silly thing to call someone. I believe the punchline was, "Bad Boy of Comedy!? Hey, watch out mang, that guy tells jokes!" I know what you're thinking: Mencia? Twitter!? This is going to be great!!! Let's see what he says! At first glance it looks like he nailed Manny Ramirez, but let's look at the facts: That's not a slam, a joke or an ironic observation. Carlos' brain just threw up after some word association. More importantly, no one who has ever "banged a hot chick" would ever refer to it in that way. "Bang a hot chick" is something you say to your friends to celebrate the last moment of them not knowing you're a virgin. He might as well have said, "Unrelated to the previous sentence, I hate how girls pee out of their butts." Speaking of fish, did your goldfish brain not remember Twittering about how "hystatical" South Park was 15 minutes before this, or 15 minutes before then, or 15 minutes before then? Keep it together, Carlos. You had your own television show and you're acting like some attention-starved kid who got his picture in the paper for growing the county's largest pumpkin. If there are comedy clubs in Heaven, not letting Carlos Mencia in is a big part of how you got your Heaven zoning permit. That being said, the harmonious closed community of Heaven might finally give a funny context to his racist immigration jokes. The Recently Dead: "Oh, wow, Heaven has a comedy club!" Carlos Mencia's Eternal Spirit: "It's good to be here in Heaven, homes! Now that I'm dead, I only have two regrets: trying to make my own dynamite, and going into an autopsy with a stomach full of semen! Dee duhDEE! Mang, seeing all these Mexican faces tells me one thing... SAINT PETER NEEDS TO BUILD A TALLER GAAAAATE!!!! My cousin Pepe got in, and he isn't even dead! You tell a Mexican there's paradise over a fence, and he'll jump it and go, WHERE'S ALL THE WEED AND HOOKERS FOR DONKEY SEX!!!" T.R.D.: "This... doesn't seem like Heaven." C.M.E.S.: "And all these babies flying through the air... it's like the garbage can outside a MEXICAN ABORTION CLINIIIIC!!!! Seriously, mang, I'm just glad I died wearing clean underwear! Too bad it was... A THONG PANTY!!!" T.R.D.: "Oh fuck, I know where this is, guys. We shouldn't have done all that rape." Nothing says I have a rich and fulfilling personal life like open invitations for anyone, please anyone to come play video games with me. "Tomorrow I'll be appearing at the unemployment line and the jock itch spray section of your store's dick cream aisle. Don't let me die alone!" I don't think I get it. Is it funny because sick people had to climb, or because there probably wasn't any fence involved? Wait, I think I know what this is. It isn't an actual joke--it's a test run for Carlos Mencia-brand refrigerator word magnets! Maybe your fridge broke in the catapult ride over the border, illegal immigrants, but at least it will look funny, mang! "The swine flu is burritoing my cousin at Home Depot AIDS with my favorite Hurricane Katrina!" My Latin history is too rusty to know if he's insulting El Salvador or insulting camouflage. When I hear "Salvadoran freedom fighter," I don't think "racist non-Mexican(?) comic who needs to lose 40 pounds." In a world where many celebrities have to hide from the paparazzi and fans, it's refreshing to see one that posts his whereabouts on the Internet and begs for company. When Herb Jefferson Jr., "Boomer" from the original Battlestar Galactica, comes home from a long day at the autograph booth with 17 dollars, he reads Carlos Mencia's Twitter and says, "Man, that's just sad." I'm not a psychologist, but if you feel intellectually superior to someone because they're wearing a mask on an airplane during a media frenzy about diseases, you might be giving yourself too much credit. I once saw him set up a joke about natural selection by mocking the audience for not knowing what natural selection was. That was what, fifth grade for most of us? It helped me understand Carlos better as a comic. He assumes we're all stupid because for some reason, he thinks we only went to school until age 10. Even if that's true, at least we can spell "flight," professor Mencia. You goddamn retard. Does it really count as social criticism when the society you're criticizing only exists in your Meximagination? "People are stupid! All these people are confusing cereal commercials for the news! That's Boo Berry, not Peter Jennings, you dee duhDEE! What next, do they elect Honey Comb President!!??!? I'm out!" Carlos obviously thought a lot about the masked lady he saw on the plane that morning. He didn't change his mind about her--she's still a dumbass. But AIDS people... they're not dumbass enough. Let's work together and make a change. I was actually proud of Carlos for this Twitter. It's almost the start of a real joke. It's an ironic observation that only eight or nine out of 10 people would think of, and he even adds a twist. You see, when normal comics are being irreverent with tragedies to add an edge to their comedy, they use tragedies as the punchline, not the setup. The basic rule is: joke setup, joke setup, AIDS!!! Carlos does the opposite, almost certainly because he's a fucking idiot, but maybe he's onto a whole new way of thinking. Let's take a look at an example. Regular Joke Construction: "Nothing ruins sex with a monkey like remembering that you work in an AIDS research center." Mencia Joke Construction: "i got AIDS from haveing sex with monkies. come by n say hi if your at the aids research center and ill buy you a shot." Is Mencia pulling the race card because someone heard his act and assumed he was Chicano? Because holy shit, if he's not, that adds a whole new level of that's-not-OK-to-say to all that talk of beaners and fences. Oh well, I just hope the local radio station can find a more appropriate holiday for him to appear on. But do Mexicans even have a holiday where they celebrate some asshole stealing all their people's jokes? Again, Mencia tries out his tragedy, tragedy, SETUP! approach to comedy writing with hilariously unfunny results. In order for this joke to work, Carlos is taking for granted that we already know something about Mexicans having sex with pigs. Is that a real stereotype? If it is, and we also assume that swine flu comes from pig sex, then yes, those same people might also fuck a donkey and create a donkey flu. I see what he was going for, it just seems like a lot of hoops to jump through in order to create a reality where the line makes sense. Plus, now that we're existing three concepts deep in some magical realm of animal fucking, where's the joke? That someone fucked an animal? Of course they did! That's what we do here! On top of confusion, this series of leaps in logic makes the end result completely unrelatable. You can't tell someone about the hilarious donkey flu joke you read on Carlos Mencia's Twitter because they'll have so many questions during the setup. It's like saying, "My friend does a terrible impression of Chewbacca from the movies Star Wars. he loses so many contests! well I wonder what would it be like if he got a job as a casher at a dildo resturant? hed be like, *BAD CHEWBACCA SOUNDS!!!*" Twilight is that movie where angsty gay vampires do each other's makeup in high school, right? And instead of sunlight exploding them, it turns their skin into body glitter? I'm not judging you, man. That's a really, really cool thing to enjoy. I love that he doesn't include an example. It's apparently funny enough for us to know that Somalian pirate jokes are out there somewhere. If I know Carlos, the joke starts with lots of people tragically dying from pirate crime, and then he moves on to them being idiots. "Hellllooo!? If the innocent don't like being raped, maybe they should stop sailing their ass up to PIRAAAATES!!! Oh, are you a pirate? Well then I should turn the fuck around! You won't ever see Mexicans getting attacked by pirates! Because you get your feet cut off trying to carjack a lawnmoweI'M A RACIST!!!" Is God trying to tell you that you don't have any Latino fans? I'm going to assume by "lever" he meant "lover" since levers are seventh grade physics, and he'd have felt the need to explain. The instructor probably took one look at him and realized that his love life was trying to suck his own dick until his third chin choked him unconscious. So yes, this incredible yoga thing you discovered is going to be great for that. It's not clear what happened at the end of this one. "Oooh"? Is that from all the great ideas exploding out of his head at once, or is that a sudden realization that his view of the world is based on 15 minutes of a George Lopez routine that he stole? Maybe his future isn't in writing a book, but in being a TV critic. This is just really solid writing. Is he trying for a joke? I'm not sure I can tell anymore. This is the second time in two weeks that a shooting has prevented Carlos Mencia from performing. Is this the go-to excuse for getting rid of him, or are people actually shooting themselves when they hear he's coming? Carlos Mencia ice skating. Now I've heard everything. For tweets that are funny on purpose, follow Cracked on Twitter.