A Handy Field Guide To Spotting Awful World Leaders
Listen closely. Do you hear that? Grab your binoculars and look toward the, well, anywhere, and you'll see that the cawing is coming from a wild politician attempting to have its voice heard, mate, or possibly a combination of both. The Earth is a cacophony of these chirps, and sometimes it's difficult to tell them apart.
That's why we've compiled this handy illustrated guide to spotting world leaders in the wild. Be sure to take note of their descriptions, habitats, and the unique sound of their calls, in order to successfully identify these majestic creatures.
Theresa May
Often compared to the last female in a dominant position in its environment, the Crested Thatcher, the Right Honorable Theresa May, MP, quickly adapted to the changing conditions of its habitat to replace the David Cameron as the dominant species of its territory. However, the constant outside challenges and the (as many ornithologists are calling it) "totally fucked situation" of its nesting area may prove threatening to its dominance.
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The May has only been the top species of its environment since July 2016, so it's too early to tell how well it will adapt to its new apex status. From what we know of its time at the bottom of the British political food chain, its behavioral patterns have been a peculiar combination of rampant conservatism and progressive attitudes. It has fiercely defended women's and worker's rights, and been agreeable on same-sex marriage. On the other hand, it has been quite territorial, and has been known to flap its wings wildly in the direction of confused targets, such as the 2013 Go Home Vans, which offered to give undocumented immigrants a "ride back" to their home country or else they'd "face arrest."
HABITAT
The "Brexit" natural disaster which enabled the May's rise also caused its entire habitat to be engulfed in flame, to which the May seems bafflingly immune. It appears to approach the issue of living in a post-apocalyptic ecosystem by attempting to turn its habitat into an ill-advised meritocracy with little-to-no reliance on migratory experts, and has toyed with the idea of withdrawing from certain civil rights agreements of the continent. Whether it plans to do this for the benefit of the species or because its feathers look appealing when placed next to footage of riots remains to be seen.
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Such beauty. Such grace. Also, why?
Enrique Pena Nieto
Few world leaders live in an environment more challenging than the Nieto. Forced to navigate the tricky skies between the dangerous vultures roaming its own territory and the increasingly confrontational eagles occupying the territory to its north, the ornithologists' betting pool indicates this poor bird will abandon most of its regular calls in favor of squawking curses at the ground below by mid-2017.
DESCRIPTION
Outwardly, the Nieto appears to be your average energetic, capable bird leader. However, its shiny beak and enticing plumage hide an underachieving nature, and are marred by unsightly feather-less bare spots that range from corruption to plagiarism, prolonged territorial disputes with the Cartellus species, and mysterious abductions and murders of college students. The Nieto holds the distinction of having one of the lowest presidential approval ratings in the territory's history, at 23 percent. This ranks it slightly above "hawk with a crooked beak that kills baby owls," but just below "hawk with a straight beak that kills baby owls."
HABITAT
Native to Mexico, the Nieto ideally prefers highland oceanic climates and a distinct lack of protest marches calling for its resignation, but at the moment, it has had to adapt to a more hostile environment. Changing conditions may eventually force it to live in more constricted urban areas, such as in the shadow of a "yuge" wall.
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Prone to rambling and memory lapses, the Nieto is unique in that its vocal range consists almost exclusively of unpredictable gaffes. Although its nearest northern neighbor has recently shown similar qualities, this is yet to reflect in the Nieto's song in any way. In fact, researchers speculate that after its interactions with the Trump, the Nieto tends to retreat to its nest, from which a strange call reminiscent of a grown man screaming into a pillow has been observed.
Justin Trudeau
In the avian world, where even the cuddliest of species can suddenly whip out menacing corkscrew genitals and become unabashed necrophiliacs, it's worrying to encounter something as gracious as the Trudeau. Bobbing its finely combed crest, the Trudeau seems to possess some aspect that other bird leaders almost comically lack.
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The current breed of Trudeau boasts considerably better plumage and bearing than its unfortunate predecessors. It is pro-choice, pro-marijuana, and pro-careful-diplomacy, which has led some researchers to believe that its evolutionary function is to act as the straight man in the Abbott and Costello routine of global politics. However, if agitated, the Trudeau has been known to manhandle other political species, using its talons to disembowel any chance the other bird had to walk at its normal pace.
HABITAT
Having recognized its positive qualities, the Canadian people have currently managed to trap it within the confines of the country -- which, in turn, makes the country more alluring to American birds which previously only knew Canada as "that place with the healthcare."
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Contrary to popular perception, the Trudeau does not emit sound. It communicates by casting long, hungry glances at journalists, who mistakenly translate them into inspirational quotes. It doesn't hurt that the Trudeau benefits from having many qualities that featured in the Kennedy, a genus of powerful world leaders which was hunted to borderline extinction.
Xi Jinping
China's largest and most notorious avian leader is surprisingly unknown in the U.S., but holds many significant advantages over its more tethered Western counterparts. Although its territory is not without challenges, its advanced defense system of subservient species which push rivals out of the nest before they have a chance to fly has proven key to its survival.
DESCRIPTION
Arguably the most powerful world leader species to rise from China in decades, the Xi is revered and honored by the media, which is quick to tell you that this has almost nothing to do with the fact that the Xi has exclusively instructed them to do so. Although the Xi is closely related to the redbreast genus which has dominated the territory for decades, its economic behavioral patterns are notably closer to the Reagan than the classic five-year plan.
HABITAT
Vast, glorious, uncensored, and completely problem-free. Nope. No problems whatsoever.
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Trumpet fanfares for the entrance of Paramount Leader, Core Leader, President of the People's Republic of China, General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China, Commander-in-chief of Joint battle command of People's Liberation Army, and Chairman of the Central Military Commission Xi into a room may not actually occur, but they are certainly implied.
Angela Merkel
The Christian Democrat family has struggled to find footholds in other parts of the globe, but the long-lasting, ongoing success of the Merkel demonstrates just how it has persevered in Europe. Despite the Merkel's largely non-aggressive and almost maternal nature, potential rivals are instinctively aware of its claws, which has helped it cement its place as the top of the continent's ecosystem.
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Unlike some past representatives of the Chancellor Germanicus genus, the Merkel prefers to maintain a neutral, composed facade. Despite its imminent strength, the Merkel remains a small, elusive figure which prefers tact over flair. It is particularly sensitive to climate, and has been known to peck powerful predatory avians on occasion when they've tried to puff out their breasts.
HABITAT
The Merkel's natural habitat is within the borders of Germany, but it is not fiercely territorial. It has been spotted all around Europe, and its influence can intimidate most smaller leader species well outside the confines of its nesting grounds. However, this may be subject to change, as almost alone among specimens of its size and strength, the Merkel has answered the increased migration patterns of recent years by embracing them. Species like the Alexus Jonesicus often respond to these shows of optimism by hurtling straight from the branches and into the ground, where they write news stories out of small twigs and droppings.
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As with every member of the Germanicus class, the Merkel's voice can best be described as a Rammstein concert with fewer explosions and more NyQuil. It compensates for its lack of flair with a large assessment of calls which sound suspiciously like inspirational quotes. If threatened, the Merkel may resort to cliches and borderline-circular arguments. If it starts emitting noises such as "Always be more than you appear and never appear to be more than you are," back away slowly, with your arms lifted above your head to make yourself appear large.
Donald Trump
An aggressive, compulsive hoarder and nest-builder that appears to pay little attention to the welfare of other species. The damage it will inflict on the forest remains to be seen.
DESCRIPTION
The largest and most brightly colored species of the Trump genus, a Donald's plumage boasts a vivid orange hue that is contrasted by the nigh-translucent grey patches under its eyes. Its most striking feature is the distinctive, spiraling comb, the purpose of which remains unclear, but may have something to do with confusing potential mates.
A Donald is largely incapable of flight, due to functional but extremely underdeveloped wings. However, it compensates this with buoyancy from its large throat pouch, which it can inflate with hot air at a moment's notice.
HABITAT
The Donald has historically resided exclusively in high places in urban areas, but a recent unexpected behavioral change has seen it expand its territory to the field of global politics and consider flight to the Mid-Atlantic. The scientific community is still debating whether the current trend will result in the Donald turning into an invasive species.
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"Tweet-tweet-tweet-tweet-SAD!"
Vladimir Putin
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Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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