7 Awesome Things That Suck If Mixed With Anything Else
Not everything is chocolate and peanut butter. There are some things, while great on their own, that are chemically transformed into disaster when you mix them with any other ingredient. Let's look at the facts. By itself, America rules. It's both number one and its colors don't run. But what happens when you mix America with a second concept? Disaster. American Ninjas are the shittiest of all Ninjas; mixing America with Cheese makes condom-flavored bathroom tiles; and you don't even want to know what happens when you mix "America" with "North Man/Boy Love Association." Below are seven other concepts that simply can't mix with others. 7. Rap Rapping doesn't seem that hard, and it's often enjoyable when it's just being rap. Sometimes it's even awesome like during Hulk Hogan's hit song "I Wanna Be a Hulkamaniac." But you have to be very careful what your agenda is when you're producing a rap song. Is it to tell everyone that you're terrific? Fine. Is it about how you're going to kill the listener and/or fuck them from behind? That's fine too. But don't rap if you're teaching your employees how to grill hamburgers. The only thing that's going to do is get your employees to wonder why your mother thought anal thermometers were pre-natal vitamins. If you're rapping about furniture savings, fire safety or basically anything other than enjoying the song currently being rapped, I have bad news: everyone just found out you're a goddamn idiot. I'm too sure of this to experiment with it, but I think if you ever rap a
weather report, your dick and chest hair take that as a clear message you don't need them anymore. And if you ever write a rap about mattress sales incentive programs, go ahead and also write an email to every woman you want to sleep with about your mouth fungus.
That's not to say it's impossible to get your agenda across when using rap. Ever since I heard this Irish rap song against rape performed by what are clearly rapists, I haven't raped a single thing.
Religion is polarizing and ludicrous, but despite what angsty atheists say, it does more good than harm. Look at the numbers: For every firebombed abortion clinic, there are 126 young Catholic boys getting all the sex they want. By itself, each religion is great at its job. Spirituality gives a species of life smart enough to see its own death coming a reason not to spend all day crying about it. But when you mix religion with anything like music, TV or politics, shit starts to fall apart fast.
When Christians combine contemporary music with their faith, the result is a schizophrenic mess. Every Christian pop song sounds like a foreigner making a video diary to show his gay son that he understands him. Christian TV's idea of a show is spraying a pile of wigs with Aquanet and listening to the mouth in the center of it complain about witchcraft for three hours. Christian anything sucks. If religious inventors created a Christian Toilet, it would ram other people's shit up your ass and they'd only be able to invent it if someone else did first.
This is a good time to tell you that many of the things in this list can double or triple up to create bigger and bigger tragedies. For instance, these children want to spread the hopefully fake message that hugs involve too much genital contact, and they use God, rap and stupid to push their agenda. The video also proves that you can go up to any Christian and ruin three or four things that they love and they'll pay you for it. "Christian Side Hug" ruins rap, it ruins religion and it sort of taints every greeting my grandmother and I gave each other. If that stage full of shouting birth defects is right, does Hallmark even make an apology card for a lifetime of inappropriate genital contact?
Of course children need to learn; the problem is that they all hate getting educated. That's when it hits you: Let's trick them into learning with a song or video! Here's where the problems start. First, making songs and videos takes talent, and the reason you majored in Elementary Education is because you thought the word "talent" was spelled with a heart and was maybe a type of dinosaur.
Second, it takes about 30 seconds to teach a child the basics of getting the hell out of a burning building. Spreading your message of fire safety out over a half hour of puppets and musical theater is only going to make children think house fires are what happens when two boy puppets make love.
Also, most kids are smart enough to know when your song is tricking them into learning, and if they're not, they're probably wondering why it's taking so long to find the puppies and candy in this stranger's speeding van. Some educators have tried making educational products for babies, but sticking your baby next to Mozart and flashing shapes isn't going to make it any more special. You'd be better off if you just went around telling all the other babies that they're stupid.
Even though you've already typed this into the comments section because you're the Internet, not all educational material sucks. But for every