6 Types of Awful Valentine's Day You're Recovering From
Well losers, it's the day after Valentine's Day, and another year has gone by without love's warm hands caressing your sloped shoulders. Or maybe you do have a lover, but they forgot to acknowledge you as vigorously as you'd hoped yesterday, implying that your love is a horrible mockery of the genuine article, like an all monkey production of Romeo and Juliet where all the monkeys have the trots. So whether you're awfully lonely, or you have a lover who's awfully awful, we here at Cracked want to help. Why? Because we can't stop caring. Below is a list of advice for you, broken up depending on your situation, because it turns out that advice which is broad enough to apply to everyone ("eat your fiber") is gritty and mealy tasting.
Your Situation: Single
It's just you all on your own, making your way by yourself in the big scary world, just like Pretty Woman. Oh wait, she found love. Well then, just like the Terminator. Actually he learned a bit about love too, didn't he? Hmm. Man, you are in a bad place, hey?
Your Situation: Dating Someone Casually
You're in the fun, early stages of a relationship, where every thought centers on your new paramour, and you can't help but hyper-analyze every move they make. So yesterday, when they forgot to buy you flowers or return any of your calls or say "Hey" in the elevator, all of your hyper-analysis points to one conclusion: What a Colossal Fucker.
Your Situation: Dating Someone Seriously
You've met their parents and they've met the television that raised you from the age of four. There's no denying it, you're in a Relationship. So the fact that they completely spaced on Valentine's Day, and are now trying to fake the symptoms of kidney failure in front of you as an excuse, is a Very Big Deal.
Your Situation: Married
Perhaps the most romantic legal framework for a relationship (just beating out the bilateral free-trade agreement), marriage is a union binding two people into an arrangement where they'll always have at least one other person around to talk to. And now your spouse, who hasn't even been much fun to talk to lately, ruined your Valentine's Day, either by forgetting it entirely, or perhaps by spending it having sex with your neighbor Gary, because he was there.
Your Situation: Stalking Someone Casually
You've been orchestrating 'accidental' encounters with that special someone for the better part of a month now, on the bus, in the coffee shop, and a dozen other places besides that.
Your Situation: Stalking Someone Seriously
Right from the start you knew the casual encounters would never have worked - you're far too hideous. Knowing this, you stayed well back, and over the past eight months have observed your love from the safety of the large, leafy tree across the street from their house. Yesterday, they arrived home late in the evening, in the arms of a new lover, while you, shaking, shat your tree in rage.
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