Superheroes Are Overrated: 6 Villains I'd Rather Date
Let's face it: Dating a superhero is a bum gig. Sure, you get to have baller hair and a steady job doing something cool like reporting, acting, or diamond thieving, but that doesn't matter. Once you start dating a superhero, you have the mortality rate of a goldfish. If you're lucky, you might live, but your boyfriend is going to constantly be brooding, always wearing two layers of clothing, or turning into an uncontrollable green monster whenever his steak is overcooked. Basically, dating a superhero is a terrible idea.
But what about dating a supervillain? I mean, who doesn't love a bad boy, and what's more bad than trying to destroy the world? It may sound strange at first, but there are several supervillains who look to me like serious relationship material.
My last boyfriend had a nice car, a great job, and all of his facial skin. And that's why I was surprised to find myself considering Skeletor as a romantic option. But he has SO MANY good qualities. He's witty, and always has a zinger ready. He's constantly laughing, and that laugh is infectious! Skeletor knows the joy of life.
Live. Laugh. Conquer.
Plus, he's so honest. With Skeletor, what you see is what you get. It's all in the name. He's a skeleton man. If he had a profile on a dating website you wouldn't even need to click the picture. What superhero is this honest? They're all about secret identities and sneaking around. Skeletor will take you for a big, romantic getaway to Snake Mountain, where you can relax by the glowing light of lava flowing from the snake's mouth, crank some Barry White, get loose, and just see what happens.
The Downside Is:
Skeletor is obviously terrible with money. Does he even have a job? What is his income exactly? Is someone paying him to fight He-Man, or is he living on Daddy's money? He lives in Snake Mountain, not Skull Mountain, which makes me pretty sure he's renting that mountain. The rent on a mountain must be pretty high. Why doesn't he just buy a more modest abode instead of renting an entire mountain?
Did he install the giant snake, or did it come with the mountain? We need to talk property values, Skelt-ey.
He's got a couple of henchmen but it really doesn't seem like enough to justify a mountain. Maybe he has a bad credit history so he can't buy a house but even in that case, he could still rent something smaller than a mountain. A mansion or a castle would be a cheaper and still equally sinister choice. If you're going to date Skeletor, I suggest a couple of fun outings like Go-Karting or Putt-Putting. Then maybe get out of there before he starts asking to borrow twenty bucks for a tune up on the Havoc Staff.
Monogamy not your strong suit? Give Clayface a try. Why settle for just one man when you could be with a lump of sentient mud that can shape-shift into any man? Hell, why settle for a man when you could have a griffin with Hulk hands and the face of Ryan Gosling? No judgment. If you think I'm crazy with this one, please note that Poison Ivy saw the potential here and she put a ring on it. Poison. Ivy.
A tale as old as time, A love that's mostly slime, Clayface and Ivy
Have you ever wondered what Paul Ryan would look like with Kim Kardashians awesome badonk? Now you can find out! Not for sex reasons, just to laugh. You might feel obligated to date Batman instead because he's always so sad and you think you can fix him, and he does have that super-square jaw that makes you say yas! But why take that one chiseled mandible forever when you could have Freddie Mercury with ... I'm sorry. Just Freddie Mercury.
The Downside Is:
Clayface has done some pretty terrible things in his past, like pursing an acting career. Luckily, he's now in the much more stable profession of crime, so I'm willing to look past that. But is he still all about that drama?
I can just see him shape-shifting into your cousin Janice and dropping by to dish about your new boyfriend. Then when you say "I just wish he hadn't eaten all of my pizza bagels. It was a full double box. That's, like, 18 pizza bagels," he reveals his true self and is all "I knew you were angry about the pizza bagels!" But you'll probably just fight a little and then he'll turn into a giant fuzzy unicorn and cuddle you, and you can't stay mad at a unicorn. So, prepare yourself for some theatrics but if you can keep it light and breezy, the risk might be worth the reward of dating this tall, dark, handsome, mud man.
"I like long walks far away from the beach, and suffocating Bruce Wayne in my own body."
IT. MUST. BE. HUGE.
The Downside Is:
It must be ... huge.
"I CAN DO THE MOON."
Who doesn't like a sharp-dressed man? Just ask ZZ Top, the foremost authority on sharp-dressedness. There is a lot going on in Shredder's outfit. With the purple cape and the cool, pointy shoulder pads, he looks like one of Lady Gaga's backup dancers and I have to say, I'm for it. A well-dressed man has respect for himself. He's confident and that's sexy.
"Oh, this ol' thing?"
Whether he's headed down to the sewer to beat up some teenagers, or just out for a casual dinner with you, Shredder is dressing to the nines and you have to respect that! Even if you don't love Shredder's Man-In-The-Iron-Mask-meets-LuLaRoe vibe (seriously those leggings look comfy), you have to respect his commitment to the look. He's been rocking this classic for decades and he's not letting it go. Razor blade-covered leg warmers haven't been in since 1988, but Shredder don't care. He sticks by his convictions and you should stick by his stylish side.
The Downside Is:
You have to share your stuff with him. You know that if you're both rocking those buttery-soft leggings, things are going to get mixed up in the wash and he's just going to wear yours and, oh my god, why do they look better on him? Not cool. He'll be reading your Vanity Fair, stealing your eyeliner, then one day he'll ask to borrow your curling iron to combat all that helmet hair and you'll just say, "BOY, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
Plus, Shredder hangs with a weird crowd. You don't want Bebop and Rocksteady sitting on your couch, playing Xbox all day. Krang will be trying to hook up with all of your friends, touching them with his tiny wiggly tentacle arms. Barf. The key to this relationship is boundaries. Make sure to clearly say to Shredder, "If you use my razor blades to bling out your leg warmers, you're toast. If Krang puts those mushy stubs on Denise one more time, I'm out." As long as Shredder respects those boundaries, he's a real catch!
Communication, along with knowing who gets to wear the gauntlet knives on any given day, are the most important things in any relationship.
He's a king, an inventor, a sorcerer, and a doctor? What's not to like? Mom would be so proud! This is a man with real ambition. A true hustler! He'll rule your heart like he rules the land of Latveria: as a fascist dictatorship. If you want a true sugar daddy, look no further than Dr. Doom. He's got a hella diverse portfolio. Sorcery not working out? Try inventing some stuff. Running a dictatorship wearing thin? Go teach a couple of classes at a small college in Maine until you recharge and find yourself.
Sure, he's a warlord, but his real passion lies in 18th-century Italian poetry.
Dr. Doom is a 100 percent social media-worthy boyfriend. I can just see the profile pics now. "This is Doomy and I, being worshiped by his subjects in Latveria. Here we are running a marathon together." Leandra Kinney, from grade school, who told you your Barbies weren't real Barbies because your mom got them at the Dollar Store, will be so jealous. You'll bring Dr. Doom to your high school reunion and you'll be all, "Oh Leandra, did you know I'm dating a successful doctor? What have you been up to? You are a successful doctor? Jesus, there is obviously no justice in this world." It's OK though, because Dr. Doom will convert Leandra into a cyborg programmed to kill Reed Richards and you'll feel way better.
The Downside Is:
Does Dr. Doom even know how to relax? Hustle is nice but sometimes you just want a man to brush your hair and watch the last season of Downton Abbey with you. I'm not sure if Dr. Doom is capable of a quiet night of hair brushing. Sure, he would do it, he's not a monster, but his heart would be somewhere else. Probably murdering Reed Richards. If you decide to scoop up this perfect-on-paper supervillain, prepare for some lonely nights while he's inventing a device that drains Latveria's overflowing sewage system through a magic portal into Reed Richards' kitchen. That's what I call multitasking, Doomy! Work, work, work.
If you can't beat him, you send almost ten million gallons of raw poop to his house.
Magneto cares about stuff. He totally shops at Whole Foods, wears one of those floppy beanie hats, and rides his bike to all of his bank heists. He wants to make the world a better place. By conquering it. A socially conscious man is SO HOT! Magneto doesn't just recycle some bottles and talk about changing the world in vague Facebook posts about bees and pandas. He does the work! He's out there everyday on the front lines, plotting to destroy the government and all non-mutants. It's a tough job, but he's devoted.
Can you name anyone else who can fight a battle with multiple X-Men AND rock a sweet genocidal agenda like Magneto?
Plus, Magneto is all about family. What did he name his terrorist organization? The Brotherhood Of Evil Mutants! He's got three living children of his own: Polaris, Scarlet Witch, and Quicksilver. And you don't even want to get into all of the dead ones. This man loves fathering children!
The Downside Is:
This man loves fathering children. Parenting children though? Not exactly his style. He seems to have one move and it's get a woman pregnant then peace out until the children are adults. Then he'll show up one day and be like, "Sup, I'm your Dad. Also, want to be a terrorist?" This is surprisingly effective for him. Unsurprisingly, it's a little hard on the kids. Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver have a bit of an incesty vibe, Scarlet Witch and Polaris both have serious mental disorders, and Quicksilver has tried to kill Magneto on multiple occasions. And there was the time Scarlet Witch accidentally altered all of reality.
An entire altering of everything you've ever known or loved. Or, as the comic industry calls it, a Wednesday.
In short, the family dynamics are a little complicated. Still, if you're willing to tackle the challenge, go for it! Just remember: When you marry a man, you marry his entire incesty, psychotic, homicidal family. This is made even more complicated when one of your stepdaughters has the power to alter reality to the point that you were born a popcorn kernel. But hey. The heart wants what the heart wants.
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