6 Real Life Supervillains of Christmas
Grand Theft Parade
You will never take them alive. Christmas is traditionally a time of togetherness, and what better way to ensure togetherness than to straight up steal a shit ton of other people? Well, a South Carolina man named David Allen Rogers boarded that particular Retarded Logic Train, and rode it all the way to the end of the line. On the day of his local Christmas parade, Rogers decided to ditch out on his duties ...while he was still inside the float that he was supposed to be driving.
The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, as directed by Michael Bay David Allen Rogers skipped the middleman and just stole the townÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂs inhabitants. Also, rather than having a change of heart when he heard their celebrations, Rogers instead got drunk and engaged in a high-speed police chase while towing the town's dance troupe around like a U-haul full of screams.
The Immigration Claus
This is Christmas in Russia. Gryzlov made this announcement in response to growing concerns over the clash between eastern and western values during their Christmas season. Specifically worrying him were the increasingly violent street battles between Santa and Ded Moroz impersonators. But honestly, I donÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂt think Russia has anything to worry about here, seeing as how Santa actors tend to be short, jolly, and overweight, while Ded Moroz is more apt to be played by professional wrestlers with anger management issues. Seriously, hereÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂs Ded pictured with Vladimir Putin, whoÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂs looking undeniably terrified, clearly just trying not to make eye contact with the ten foot velvet ogre next to him:puts down tigers for kicks. In an era where politicians are careful to kiss every baby for fear of PC reprisal, Putin invited the Russian press out to photograph him fighting children . If President Red Dawn is scared, then soft and jolly Santa is likely hunched behind his couch right now, desperately clutching a fire poker, with the numbers ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ9ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ and ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ1ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ entered into his phone - his fat fingers hovering nervously above the last ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ1,ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ just to cut down on the time it takes to dial.
Fining the Christmas Spirit
Pro Tip: Never google search "Santa" and "handcuffs." Do not take Rule #34 lightly. Now, true, the hopes and dreams of children aren't good enough reasons to impede New York traffic, but even after the story broke nationally threatening a PR disaster, the police refused to comment, and the ticket still stands. New Yorkers are rather infamous for being a no-nonsense kind of people, but honestly guys - when you start handing out demerits to fairy tales for spontaneous acts of merriment, I think itÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂs time to scale back on the regime a bit. Next thing you know youÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂll be fining the Tooth Fairy for breaking and entering, ticketing the Easter Bunny for littering, and detaining the Great Pumpkin for indecent exposure and public drunkenness. Actually, the last one might be fair ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ that guyÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂs been having some problems lately.
Pro Tip: Never google search anything. Seriously, fuck you Rule #34.
Father Christmas: Copkiller
Shoot and you hit the girls! Shoot and you'll hit the god damn girls, pigs!
They were eventually caught, and the one dressed as Santa Claus, Marshall Ratliff, was incarcerated at the Eastland County Jail. Fed up with all this ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂjudicial systemÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ bullshit, a mob of Texans broke into the jail, dragged Ratliff out into the street and lynched him. This left a bit of awkward explaining to do the next day when they had to tell their children that yes, Virginia, there was a Santa ClausÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ
but he shot two men and daddy had to hang him from a lamp-post until he was dead. Also, daddyÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂs not entirely sure, but he thinks they may have gotten a little drunk afterwards and beaten Frosty the Snowman half to death with a broken mop handle. Sorry honey. He was probably a rapist or something, anyway.
Secret (Racist) Santa
Shh, Santa's got a secret...he hates black people. This past weekend, a group of Santa Clauses in Norwich, England got involved in a knock-down, drag-out bar brawl with some other local tavern goers, ultimately leaving two men in the hospital for head trauma. The crime log made particular importance of the brawl due to the fightersÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ ethnicity, noting that ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂone of the groups were all dressed as Father Christmas,ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ while ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂthe other group were described as being of dark-skinned African or Asian appearance.ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ Just...holy shit, how white is your town when your crime blottersÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ listed suspects are either: A.) Dark-skinned African, or B.) Asian. These are not similar descriptions, friends. When a police report is describing some suspects as ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂeither black or some kinda Chinese,ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ thatÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂs officially time to diversify. Do they have affirmative action for entire towns? In Norwich's defense, however, it should be noted that the attackers did have the best of intentions: They were just dreaming of a white Christmas. Can I get a rimshot? No?
What are you black, Chinese, or just lazy? Step it up, Ching Chong, Santa's got places to be.
Rebel Without A Claus (I'm Sorry.)
For Santa? You shouldn't have! Barton had asked the little girl if sheÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂd like to ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂmeet RudolphÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ and - thank God for small miracles - he was actually referring to the reindeer this time; he had a stuffed animal of Rudolph sitting in the sidecar of his motorcycle. Barton then pushed the girl into the sidecar and took off down the highway at 80MPH, with her father in hot pursuit. Eventually Mr. Morris caught up with Barton, pulled him over, and took his daughter back. Later, when authorities asked why heÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂd done it, seeing as how heÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂd had no prior criminal record, Barton explained that he just ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂgot caught up in Santa-mode.ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ Seriously, dude? What fucking version of Santa Claus is so hardcore crazy that, in order to properly emulate him, you need to steal somebodyÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂs daughter and start a high speed chase on a motorcycle?
You can read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, but now that he's accused Santa Claus of everything from pedophilia to murder - you probably won't.