6 Horror Mashups Just Crazy Enough to Be Awesome
I recently watched the movie The Conjuring and felt a pang deep in the cockles of my cocklepangs. While that movie was pretty awesome, it made me lament how many terrible horror movies you need to endure before a good one comes along. Why don't people make good horror films? What makes that genre so difficult to master? I assume it has something to do with gypsy curses and meth. But then, as I sat at home one night watching Tara Reid run away from a tornado full of sharks, I was struck by some profound inspiration about what it would take to elevate a typical bad horror movie to the level of awesomely unforgettable horror movie -- another bad movie.
Two wrongs typically don't make a right, but I'm fairly confident two bad horror movies can make one awesome horror movie. I wrote this whole thing to prove it, so I'm probably right. Shut up and send me money!
What's Sharknado? Recently taking Syfy audiences by storm and getting so much press, they actually screened it in theaters, Sharknado stars Tara Reid and Ian Ziering, the fivehead who once got fourth billing on Beverly Hills, 90210, as victims of the worst weather front of all time, a tornado that's full of sharks. Don't you dare ask for a better or more logical explanation.
What's Sharktopus? Julia Roberts' villainous brother has genetically engineered a cross-bred octopus and shark because of course he did. Of course he did! The result is a shark with tentacles and, for some reason, spikes. Also endless awesomeness.
"I once tried topus when I was a kid. Never again!"
Sharktopusnado: Twin evil scientists working in a sleepy beach town in Florida have decided that mankind sucks so much sack, it's time for them to die. However, sibling rivalry compels them to out-villain one another. While one brother develops a strain of mutant shark/octopus half-breeds, the other works on a terrible weather-controlling device. But when their bumbling assistant Igor gets drunk and brings a hooker back to the lab, shit gets real!
Drunken Igor knocks the weather-controlling device into the tank full of sharktopi. The sharktopi's genetically enhanced intellect merges with the technology and they become one. A furious storm erupts, destroying the lab and carrying the sharktopi in a twister out to sea where they gain in strength and maybe kill a boat full of super hot bikini girls. Oh no! Bikini girls!
"Tee hee! That's not a tentacle! Felix!"
The sharktopi, now with a taste for blood, form a massive sharktopusnado and make landfall, sweeping across Miami or Tampa or whatever seems like a good place to lay to waste with tentacle sharks. Can anyone save mankind from these weather-controlling sharktopi? Maybe Brooke Hogan! Maybe ...
Also, one of the scientists is Clint Howard, and the other is Bruce Campbell. I know they're not twins. Shut up.
The Blair Witch Project + Buffy the Vampire Slayer = Buffy the Blair Witch Slayer
What's The Blair Witch Project? One of the trailblazers in the found-footage movement, a lot of people remember this as a good movie despite the exact opposite being true. This movie chronicled the 10 minutes of story and 90 or so minutes of aimless bullshit around three film students investigating a local legend -- the Blair Witch. Naturally everyone dies. Not because the witch kills them (we never see jack shit); they just die because the lack of script drove them all to insanity.
What's Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Keep in mind that this is not the TV show, this is the film starring Kristy Swanson, Rutger Hauer, Pee-Wee Herman, and Luke Perry. I think I'm just going to end this on Luke Perry.
"My name is Feenix Corey Dakota Vampiros. I'm 16 and dangerous."
Buffy the Blair Witch Slayer: The film focuses on three teens, one of whom is played by Luke Perry, despite the fact that he has always been 40; one of whom is a stuck-up cheerleader who is the Chosen One, destined from birth to destroy evil witches; and one of whom is an asshole who will throw his map into the river and decide to head to Podunk Township to track down the legendary Blair Witch for a documentary film. Except Buffy's plan is to kill the witch, Luke Perry's plan is to have perfect hair, and the third kid obviously has to die. Gripping found-footage horror!
Things start out innocently enough as the crew interviews townsfolk about the local legend of the Blair Witch, who, at the turn of the century, used to torture kids in the woods by making them watch Pee-Wee's Playhouse totally sober. When the crew hits the woods, things get hairy, or we think they do (it's hard to tell, because it's filmed with all the grace and finesse of two Parkinson's patients fucking on a Tilt-a-Whirl). The only scene you'll remember is Luke Perry's mug right in the camera, crying and dripping snot.
What's The Human Centipede? Shlock shock horror movie that was made solely for the sensationalism of saying it was actually made about a legitimately off-putting German doctor who decides, for some reason, to kidnap and sew three people together ass to mouth because that would be somehow superior to a person who doesn't have an ass sewn to their face. The novelty of this movie ended with the idea of it.
What's Maximum Overdrive? Stephen King, chagrined with Hollywood's abuse of his stories, decided to direct his own movie to show how it should be done, creating the shittiest Stephen King movie to date. The resulting film stars Emilio Estevez and the voice of Lisa Simpson hiding out in a diner while all the machines in the world turn against mankind in ways that barely even try to make sense.
There's a scene where a push mower chases someone. Go watch it.
Maximum Centipede: Emilio Estevez plays himself, angry at the world for any number of obvious reasons. Don't you think Emilio Estevez has reasons to be mad? Did you see Freejack? Anyway, Estevez, using his knowledge of both science and the arcane, creates a vile magic-infused computer virus that spreads through Earth's satellite network and bestows a dark and sinister life upon all the technologies it touches. These machines, sentient and malevolent, begin to merge together, and for the sake of a good poster we'll say it's ass to mouth, even though machines don't have either, creating huge, kill-bot death machines of massive size that feed on human life energy to grow even stronger, adding the biomatter to their own technological bodies, thus producing actual mouths and asses eventually. So that could be pretty sick.
Careful: It looks like a woman's ass, but it may be a toaster in disguise!
Meanwhile, one everyman trucker at a diner not far from Podunk Township is accosted by an elderly wizard, Emilio's erstwhile teacher, who, with his dying breath, gives our hero the power to master machinery in his own unique way. The result is that our hero, who I guess should be Judd Nelson, merges ass to mouth with his own big rig truck, a massive 18-wheeler with a big ass Green Goblin face on the front for no reason whatsoever. Now, with his powers to control machines, he'll have to save mankind and destroy Emilio Estevez. Destroy him ass to mouth.
Night of the Lepus + Devil = Devil Rabbit
What's Night of the Lepus? In an effort to control the rabbit population, science fucks up hard, as science always does in horror movies. The result is that, instead of killing off the rabbit population, the rabbits breed into supersized carnivores, because when science messes up, it's not like cancer is ever the result, or some kind of internal hemorrhaging, oh no -- it just causes gigantism and the desire to eat mankind. The rest of the movie is about fighting killer rabbits, despite the footage clearly being normal bunnies let loose on a tiny set. God, they're adorable.
What's Devil? M. Night Shyamalan's name was on this movie and people literally laughed when they heard that in theaters, it's a fact. Anyway, the movie takes place almost entirely in an elevator as those trapped inside and a detective outside try to piece together who the crazed killer on the elevator is as occupants die off one by one when the power goes out. Spoiler: One of them is the devil.
"Going to the eighth floor? What if I press the buttons for floors 1 through 7? Ha ha ha! Suck my devil dong!"
Devil Rabbit: I need you to be open-minded here because this is exactly how I'd pitch this to a Hollywood executive and, in fact, if you are a Hollywood executive, consider yourself pitched. OK, so imagine you're having a super busy day -- things are hectic, you have deals to make, your wife is cheating on you with the milkman, and your co-workers keep going on PCP benders, so everything is on you. You're capable, but this is trying your patience. You're on your way to an important meeting and ... the elevator stalls out. You're trapped in this beastly contraption that's packed too full of shady stereotypes -- a crazy old lady, a dickhead businessman, an intimidating black guy, a punk kid, a soccer mom, and a hot girl. No one knows what happened, but it's not getting fixed anytime soon. And then suddenly the power dies.
The lights flicker and you see a flash. Something white. Movement. There's a scream, and something warm splashes your face. In a panic you begin to wipe it away, and then the lights return. Your hand and face are smeared with blood. The soccer mom lays dead, mutilated in a pile of her own guts. And there, in the center of the elevator door, is one perfect rabbit paw print in blood. Oh shit, son, there's a Devil Rabbit on this elevator! NOOOOO!
Shyamalan Twist: You were the rabbit the whole time! Fuck!
Pulse (2006) + Pulse (1988) = Pulse Squared
What's Pulse (2006)? Every asshole has a cellphone and a tablet and a laptop and a two-way Dick Tracy wristwatch these days, the result of which is that the air is full of Wi-Fis and signals and techno-evils and gigaflops and shit, right? That's what the guy who wrote this movie thought, anyway. The result of all that Googleram floating through the ether is that it gets the attention of these Wi-Fi ghosts from another dimension who show up and look spooky and then infect you with STD-grade ennui until you commit suicide or just go rotten like an old banana or whatever. It's hard to explain because I live in a world with logic and this one was written as though an ape clenched a pen in his ass and scooted across some paper.
"I also wrote all the Paranormal Activity movies."
What's Pulse (1988)? Remember Joey Lawrence? Dude totally starred in this. Some evil phone company apparently installed small boxes of devilry on the power lines. The result is the titular Pulse, an evil force that exists in the power lines and infects houses one by one, controlling the appliances therein and killing the inhabitants with sinister electricity and a loose grasp of science.
Pulse Squared: In a terrible future, Sprint, Verizon, and AT&T merge to form one company that really just wants you to suffer for all time, pretty much ignoring phone service in favor of straight up nefarity. They begin installing small boxes in strategic locations that pump Wi-Fi demons into people's electronics, totally ruining so many games of The Simpsons: Tapped Out, you don't even know. Eventually the demons grow impatient with making microwaves explode and attempt to take over the bodies of the people they're haunting, only to be thwarted by the precocious cuteness of an actor you won't remember until someone writes a Cracked article about him 25 years later!
What's The Wicker Man? Shit.
What's C.H.U.D.? Probably the best movie ever about cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers.
WickerC.H.U.D.: Motorcycle cop Nicward Cagus seems to suck at his job, or maybe he's just abusing drugs, we can't tell and don't care. He gets a call from an ex who's not quite too hot to be totally unbelievable as his ex, yet still pushes the envelope a bit -- her child has gone missing on tranquil Chud Isle. Nicward to the rescue!
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
While the setting is pristine and peaceful, all is not as it seems on Chud Isle, for a dark secret looms under the surface. The locals treat outsider Nicward with disdain and, even more befuddling, a lot of them seem to get eaten. How'd they get cannibalized? HOW'D THEY GET CANNIBALIZED? HOW'DTHEYGETCANNIBALIZED?!? You'll get that joke if you saw The Wicker Man. If not, just go with it.
As Nicward's investigation into the missing girl intensifies, it becomes clear that the islanders are keeping a deep, dark secret. The secret being that the island is full of friggin' C.H.U.D.s. And, worse yet, Nicward has been tricked to come to the island as a sacrifice to the C.H.U.D. god! Shit!
"Oh no, it's a C.H.U.D. Quickly, steal the Declaration of Independence in 60 seconds!"
Nicward naturally puts on a bear costume and dropkicks a lady stone-cold-killer style before the shit hits the fan and he gets fed to some cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. OH, NO! NOT THE C.H.U.D.s! NOT THE C.H.U.D.s! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!
Fade to black.
