There are probably all manner of hijinks going on in juvenile court that would make decent folk like you and me get a wicked case of the vapors. Do you know what kids are up to these days? They're hooligans! Back in my day, all you'd do when you were 16 to get in trouble was tip Old Man Wiggin's cows over, or maybe get shitfaced drunk and go down on a girl during a Star Wars prequel. It was a more innocent time. Nowadays kids are tweeting their Hootsuites onto the Instagrams with the sexting and cyberfisting each other, the whole nine yards. Loss of morals, I say. But that doesn't mean no one cares!
Judge Gus Garva, when confronted with some nogoodnik kid who violated curfew or was truant from school, wasn't the sort of man to hand out fines. Oh no. He handed out steaming fresh handfuls of ass. Paddled ass!
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Go on, give it a lil paddle, see how you like it.
I know what you're thinking: "Felix, should a judge be soundly thumping the ass of a child as part of his job?" and the answer to that, of course, is probably not. But Garza wasn't thumping teen ass on his own -- he was making their parents do it. Or rather, giving the parents the chance to choose between a literal ass beating and a fine. Turns out, nearly 100 percent of the time, parents are willing to take a bit of wood to their kid's hind end rather than pay for their mistakes with actual money. Ha ha, your parents don't love you in a way that can be financially quantified!