6 Cartoon Characters Guys Secretly Find Sexy
It's hard to control who you're attracted to. Why does one person prefer blondes and another redheads? Why giant boobs over enormous boobs? Why a suave, charming Internet comedy writer over Brad Pitt? The world is a zany cornucopia of crotch-tingling sensations and desires. Enjoy it!
That said, probably all of us at one time or another have felt that curious mix of shame and arousal. Someone or something that turns us on while another part of our brain shrinks away in fear, hissing, "Unclean! Unclean!" I can't say for sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, as I don't know what your shame is -- there's every chance it's something that would make me run for the hills throwing lit matches at you all the way, so remember that if you ever feel like sharing. But for my part, I will say there are a handful of fictional ladies out there that have always turned my crank in a way I'm not entirely proud of. They're an odd mix of intentional sex appeal and perhaps unintentional grossness that confused my young mind and, let's be honest, still confuse me today as an adult. Suffice it to say I had the weirdest boner during research for this.
Bruce Banner's cousin Jennifer Walters receives a blood transfusion from her super green cousin, resulting in her gaining the ability to transform into a diluted version of the rage beast we all know and love from one of films he's appeared in. Naturally, since Banner becomes a savage beast thing that throws tanks around like kiwis, Walters just turns into a green-skinned Amazon woman with LLL cup boobs and thighs that could crack coconuts.
At first glance you might think it's obvious that She-Hulk was meant to be sexy and sexual; after all, she's a female comic book character, and traditionally female comic book characters have existed to give bustier designers in the fictional universes they inhabit something to do, but She-Hulk isn't your average Power Girl, busting down walls with her nipples and for some reason entering every room vagina first. She's still a big green rage monster. She has her personality and all, but she's big and green. That's weird, right?
I first discovered She-Hulk when I was about 12, and there was something curiously sexy about those big green thighs to me. Green was new and delightful. I wanted that. I wanted to plow that verdant field. Why? She was unique. I had never seen a green woman before (I hadn't seen that episode of Star Trek yet) and it was exciting in a whole new way. I wondered briefly if I was racist, but then quickly decided that since I wanted to shower with her, it was the opposite of racism, whatever that is. I was enlightened due to my desire to climb She-Hulk like a garden wall.
To this day She-Hulk is drawn in the same overtly sexy fashion as all female comic book characters -- the poor girl can't keep her clothes on, after all, what with the rippling boobs and power buttocks tearing through her business suits left and right, and there's no rhyme or reason to the attraction to her, but man, it's still there.
In World of Warcraft, Draenei are a race of aliens who had to flee their home world due to many paragraphs of nerd backstory that will interest you only if you already know the story. It's a weird Mobius strip of nerd knowledge. For the enjoyment of this article all you need to know is they have Russian accents, blue skin, tails, horns, and hooves. And you might be inclined to tap that. Try to imagine the sexiest goat you ever saw, and then give it a pretty OK ass. And it sounds like Pussy Riot.
While male Draenei have been designed to look like a blue-skinned Eastern European lumberjack, the females all seem to have their back arched in that "I think I dropped something in my vagina, could you find a way to poke it out?" fashion that's so popular among artists these days. They also tend to have pretty decent racks and, despite the hooves, some shapely gams. I can't account for their tails, however, as they seem to be protruding right from the bunghole area, but who am I to question alien anatomy? I'm just a guy who felt it move when he was looking at a half-dressed Draenei lady once.
You have to give credit to the artists over at Blizzard who have to work with some pretty ungainly creations. Sure, the humans and various elves lend themselves to sexy artwork, but these hardworking artists are trying to give you boners for goat ladies, the walking dead, a race of cow people, and werewolves. It can't be easy to be drawing goat and cow boobs all day.
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If you've never seen Adventure Time you're missing out on one of the craziest mind trips of a cartoon series ever. It looks like it should appeal to tweens, yet the backstory, as slowly revealed over several seasons, is one of a terribly depressing post-apocalyptic world of loss and loneliness, plus bacon pancakes.
At some point the show offered up a gender-swap episode, based on a comic book created by the villainous and somewhat insane Ice King, in which everyone is the opposite sex. The hero, Finn the Human, becomes Fionna the Human Girl, and despite the simplistic art style, there's a curiously sexual undertone to the entire thing, with all the princes vying for her affections and the fact that she wears knee socks and a short skirt while wielding a big pink sword. While Finn is drawn as pretty much a Tetris piece with rabbit ears, Fionna is made deliberately curvy and curiously athletic, with hip and breast definition. Am I sick for noticing that? Probably.
The fact that Adventure Time, despite being a cartoon, is rife with sexual innuendo makes it pretty clear this is no accident. Fionna is the Ice King's fan fiction, and we all know how depraved fan fiction is. Plus the fact is the Ice King, when not trying to kill Finn and Jake, spends most of the series trying to bang princesses, even the gross ones. So Ice King is a horny old man about 22/7.
If this also implies the Ice King has latent sexual desire for Finn, well, that's an episode for another day when the creators feel it's OK to tackle an impossibly ancient man's sexual attraction to an orphaned pubescent boy.
Back in the day when the only Transformers you could watch was called Transformers and in no way involved computer animation or monkeys, there was one lady transformer, and that was Arcee. Wikipedia does have a massive list of female Transformers, and I'll be damned if I'd heard of any of them before. If we're stacking my memory against the nerd forces of Wikipedia, I'm sticking with my memory. Arcee was the only female Transformer, don't let anyone tell you different. Or, if they do, argue that robots are genderless anyway, and also completely fictional in this context, so what the hell are we talking about?
Arcee, being a lady, was pink. That's how you knew men from women back in the day. That and she had a wicked curvy ass on her. While all the rest of the transformers were made of right angles and pew pew pew, Arcee was pink, with blocky jugs and a sweet chrome heiney. You'd want to check her oil, is what I'm saying. Fill the tank with premium unleaded. Put your bike on the luggage rack. I think that last one makes sense if you say it with a lurid look on your face.
No boy should want to hump a machine, but my young mind was being warped by this show that presented Autobots to me as an amazing and powerful force of good in the universe. They were heroic and mighty and unstoppable. And one of them had a vaguely sexy voice, wore lipstick, and had a keister that made you want to bust out your impact hammer.
In retrospect, I can assume Arcee was made the way she was because of some kind of weird sexist ignorance on the artistic staff, but as a kid, you know, metal boobs.
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This speaks volumes about my own psychological shortcomings, but I am what I am and I'm cool with that. If I were a flappy little construction-paper cutout living in South Park, I would bang Cartman's mom like a drum.
Cartman's mom is some kind of two-dimensional sexual dynamo, and she's clearly a dirty girl. I'm not ashamed to admit I like that in a woman. Sexual inexperience isn't a deal-breaker or anything, but when you meet a woman who's even more obscene than you are, and you're as obscene as me, well that's just swell.
I also feel that being attracted to Cartman's mom shows character. She's a single mom, a homemaker, and she's literally flat. This is pretty atypical when compared with our standard of beauty. Look at her next to She-Hulk. No rippling boobs or wank-worthy thighs, just a lady with a soothing voice who makes German porno sometimes. That's alright.
Some of you may protest on the grounds that Cartman's mom is also Cartman's dad, owing to her being a hermaphrodite. First, shame on you for being so closed-minded. We're talking about boning fictional characters here, let's not be obtuse. And second, it is eventually revealed that Cartman's mom is not actually his dad, as she banged the Denver Broncos and one of them fathered Cartman. This also indicates she's a sports fan, which is pretty cool. This lady has a lot going for her. And she bakes!
Janice the Muppet
I like musicians, so maybe this whole entry is biased. But for real, Janice the Muppet is one sweet piece of felt ass, albeit one with a dude's hand in it already. As part of the band Electric Mayhem, she's obviously a cool chick, probably down with partying, 420, that sort of thing. But she also wears short skirts, has some big lips, and plays lead guitar. She plays lead guitar! Everyone wants to bang the person who plays lead guitar. The guy who plays lead guitar in every hideous, ass-faced band in rock 'n' roll history still somehow wrung some sex appeal out of that instrument. Even bass players get laid. Look at all the women who have, allegedly intentionally, boned Gene Simmons, even though he looks like a bag of smashed assholes in a pube helmet.
Without getting too vulgar, Janice's mouth also looks like it was designed for some sort of specific purpose or other. In real life it'd be offensive to suggest this about a lady and her lips -- after all, who is she to change her genetics? You have the lips you're born with. But Janice wasn't born, she was manufactured, and they manufactured that Muppet with some big ol' lips. I'm just saying, maybe she gives a decent Muppet blowie. I guarantee I'm not the only person who's thought about this. For instance, the guy who designed her lips probably thought this. Was it Jim Henson? I don't know, but just because the man designed beloved puppets for a living doesn't mean he didn't go home at night to have a glass of Scotch and some crazy puppet sex.