5 Writing Tips for the People Who Send Me Death Threats
Regardless of what adages may tell you, love is neither patient nor kind. Love has the fickle temperament of a child and the ability to breed insanity. In a best case scenario, love will manifest itself as an inextricable bond between husband and wife, but it's also just as likely to take the form of a stranger in a skeleton mask, circling your house waiting for you to fall asleep so it can smell your hair."Good morning. I left you a gift." I know all this because I recently received many letters which I assume to be written out of full-blown, if somewhat misguided, affection. They are all beautiful and as unique as fingerprints, save the common theme of my torture/murder and their complete lack of literal fingerprints. And while I am touched by this visceral outpouring of emotion in each, the editor inside me couldn't help but notice a few flaws in the execution.Now, there are guides available for writing letters with the intent of gradually earning the love of another person, but there are a limited few on writing letters threatening to take it. I have created a step by step tutorial to constructing the perfect death threat, coupled with helpful dos and don'ts selected right out of real letters I've received. It's time we stop thinking of love as a simple flame, when it is more apt to think of it is a raging tire fire that spits out toxic smoke, burns forever, and most importantly, threatens to kill anyone in proximity.
Soren Bowie's Guide to Writing a Memorable Death Threat: Step 1: Make it Personal!No one wants to be on the receiving end of a letter promising pain and misery that feels like it was mass-produced by Hallmark. Just writing cliches and horror movie scenarios will not suffice, the cost of good intentions is always significantly cheaper than the expense of personalization and your reader will know that. Don't cheapen the experience the two of you will share by making your threats cold or formulaic. Instead, think back to what made you fall furiously in love in the first place. Is the intended reader known for being beautiful? Then concentrate on the ways you will devastate that beauty. Does he/she have a wonderful voice? Why not threaten a trip deep into the woods where no one can hear it? Really allow yourself to get as intimate as possible, it will mean a lot more when the prosecuting attorney reads it aloud to the court.Examples:Forgettable:
Next week, the hilarious Lindy West will be filling in for me. Should you fall in love with her over me, I am fully prepared to fight her for your admiration when I return.