5 Writing Tips for the People Who Send Me Death Threats
Regardless of what adages may tell you, love is neither patient nor kind. Love has the fickle temperament of a child and the ability to breed insanity. In a best case scenario, love will manifest itself as an inextricable bond between husband and wife, but it's also just as likely to take the form of a stranger in a skeleton mask, circling your house waiting for you to fall asleep so it can smell your hair.

Soren Bowie's Guide to Writing a Memorable Death Threat:
Step 1: Make it Personal!No one wants to be on the receiving end of a letter promising pain and misery that feels like it was mass-produced by Hallmark. Just writing cliches and horror movie scenarios will not suffice, the cost of good intentions is always significantly cheaper than the expense of personalization and your reader will know that. Don't cheapen the experience the two of you will share by making your threats cold or formulaic. Instead, think back to what made you fall furiously in love in the first place. Is the intended reader known for being beautiful? Then concentrate on the ways you will devastate that beauty. Does he/she have a wonderful voice? Why not threaten a trip deep into the woods where no one can hear it? Really allow yourself to get as intimate as possible, it will mean a lot more when the prosecuting attorney reads it aloud to the court.Examples:Forgettable:
Hello!I think you are extraordinary, so much so that I wish to kill you so that no one else can have you. Ideally I would like to lock you in a car and push it into a lake.HOWEVERI am also willing to feed you poison. Please get back to me when you have the time. I've included my address and a picture of me so that if we ever run into one another, you will know who I am. Thanks for your time.That reminds me, always include a return address and a picture of yourself as a keepsake. Nearly every recipient of a death threat would truly appreciate that. Step 4: Turn Fear into a Weapon!When writing a death threat you have more at your disposal than just a simple piece of paper and some blood on a stick. You have the entire history of your reader from which to draw, and assuming you can pluck out a few of his/her greatest fears you can be sure that your letter stands out from all the others. Phobias are a great area of concentration because they can be sharpened into tiny weapons that, if wielded properly, can pierce the heart of your intended recipient like arrows from Cupid's bow. Imagine an arachnophobic learning that you intend to plant spider eggs under her skin, or a hypochondriac discovering that you want to sneeze directly in his mouth. That's certain to get their heart rates up, and as we all know, a quickly beating heart can easily be mistaken for love.
Next week, the hilarious Lindy West will be filling in for me. Should you fall in love with her over me, I am fully prepared to fight her for your admiration when I return.