5 Ways the Internet Is Like a Bad Spouse

This is all good. It builds bonds and makes for a strong marriage. So basically the worst thing you could ever do as a husband or wife is use that shared information against your partner in a fight. Let's say your wife divulged her feelings of guilt about the time she lied to her dad at 18 and her father died before she ever cleared her conscience. Only a bastard would wait until he got into a fight with his wife and say something like "Oh, is this just another one of your lies, like the one you told your dad?!"

But the Internet LOVES to do that!

Anything you share with the Web will be used against you. So if Cracked's John Cheese writes intensely personal columns about his struggles overcoming addiction, then the Web's go-to insult for him is to call him a drunk (which is weird, because that non-functioning genitalia thing is such a gimme). I mention my Judaism in a handful of the hundreds of columns I've written for Cracked, and boom, it becomes a quick way to deliver anti-Semitic cheap shots. (In fairness to the haters, they're short on material because, as I mentioned, my junk is like totally functional.) DOB writes that he really likes his puppy, and whammo, suddenly millions of women go "awwww." OK, that last one was probably a bad example, but the point is, much like the last person you'd ever want to marry, everything you share with the Net will be weaponized and returned twofold.

Unless you don't have that kind of marriage. Then look out. Then it really doesn't matter who you are or what you've done because you're just the person who has pissed off your partner right now, and nothing that came before counts for shit.

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Uh, yeah, nice try.

And That's EXACTLY What the Internet Is

Let's use Cracked as an example, since I assume we're all familiar with it and because I get a bonus every time I'm self-referential in an article. Some of the angriest, hatiest bastards in the comments are also some of Cracked's most dedicated readers. Some of them. Some are just garbage. But let's talk about those dedicated people. They read this site every day. They're given three to five pieces of new content every single day including weekends and they generally like what they're getting because these folks keep coming back. So they see a piece they hate. Let's pretend they're right. Let's pretend it's awful and it's not their own subjective stupidity. Let's assume the piece just objectively sucks. Maybe Bucholz remembered he was Canadian and decided to stop trying so hard. Perhaps Soren made the mistake of thinking readers would appreciate a gentle form of satire. Or maybe I wrote it. Whatever. Point is, holy shit, how mad at Cracked can you be? You're here every day, you love us, you see something you don't like? Good. Don't like it. You can even say you don't like it, if you have a reason beyond this article is "retarted" or "full of gay," but have some perspective. Don't shit on the whole site and speak in extremes. Well, much like a bad husband or wife, the Internet hates perspective and loves the drama of the extreme.

And Being Fickle Is the Internet's Talent

I suppose I could demonstrate this by pointing to websites that do well until they don't. All those sites that have overstayed their welcome and used up their shelf life. Nothing changed. They offered the same content, but the people went away, probably saying something shitty before they left.

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"Uh, yeah, we get it, CNN.com -- you're 'newsy'!"

But just think about memes. We consume them, want them desperately, and get infatuated, and six months later, we want to murder anyone with the audacity to mention their existence. If someone rickrolled you right now, you'd probably never speak to them again.

Just like the Internet Cannot Be Satisfied

Think about the reaction every single time Facebook or Google or any site changes its appearance. Everyone dies.

Remember how upset everyone was when Facebook started selling your DNA to the highest bidder? Now everyone loves that function!

But seriously, it doesn't matter if the change is intuitive or helpful or not. There will always be a large segment of the Internet that will freak out simply because something's different, just like that jealous person going through wallets and purses because their spouse changed hairstyles.

And the Internet LOVES to Keep You Simple

Let's return to this very site and its columnists as an example. Judging by some readers, you might believe I ONLY write about being Jewish, Cheese only talks about alcohol, DOB's stuff is only about being socially awkward, and ATB only writes about music. I've seen all those comments and criticisms, and they're all just wrong.

Comments have labeled me as both an insufferably arrogant narcissist and an insecure, socially awkward mess. They're both right. They're both wrong. I'm both. I'm neither. And I could explain how my colleagues are not easily defined as well, but I won't, because they're not as interesting to me as I am. (Shut up.)

Some might think the point of this entry is to beat up on anyone who has bitched about me or other Cracked writers. It's not. What I'm really getting at is a problem far more important than misguided abuse: It's unfulfilling love. No person can be defined as only one thing. And anyone who sees you as only one thing can't really love you.

If you love me because I'm always the sexy, Jewish, witty one who appeals to your daddy issues or if you love Soren for always being the somewhat less sexy all-American one who spins lovely satire, then you're not seeing us. For good or bad, oversimplifying someone to the extremes cheapens your love. But the Internet craves niches and labels, and it will never stop trying to come up with one-sentence taglines to itemize its content. That means most of its attacks will fail, just as its embrace will also be unfulfilling, leaving you wondering if the Net even knows what's in its arms.

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