4

It Judges You by Your Last Bad Act

In many wedding vows, there is some form of that classic language about staying married "for better or worse." You can view those words as a mere talismanic phrase meaning "You're stuck, mofo, deal with it," but I tend not to. I think of it more as "taking the good with the bad." I like to think that, in a good marriage, you build up credit. You've done a bunch of good deeds because you wanted to and they flowed naturally from you, and your spouse appreciates them and loves you for it. Those deeds are part of who you are and why they love you. But in time, you will fuck up, you will make mistakes, you will do bad things. And when that happens, those mistakes will not wipe the ledger clean of your goodness. You will not be judged only by your most recent mistake. You will not suddenly become some whole other person in the eyes of your partner who has forgotten everything that has come before.

Unless you don't have that kind of marriage. Then look out. Then it really doesn't matter who you are or what you've done because you're just the person who has pissed off your partner right now, and nothing that came before counts for shit.

Ablestock.com/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Uh, yeah, nice try.

3

It's Bored of You

You marry someone because you like things about them. Maybe it's shallow, like you're totally into blondes with large breasts. Or maybe it's more psychological, like loving a man with paternalistic qualities and strong opinions about how you should live your life. Here's the interesting thing about people: They get tired of the things they like. That frat boy husband whose only goal in life was to marry a big, bouncy, all-American blonde is not likely to be caught cheating with another big, bouncy, all-American blonde. He's probably jumping on some svelte, dark-haired Ukrainian or something. And that woman who enjoyed a man with strong opinions about how she should live her life is almost definitely going to resent feeling controlled by a douchebag. It's very dangerous to marry someone who fills a desperate, almost fetishistic need because needs change and then you hate them. Yes, in this entry, the bad spouse is you. You're the one hating them for being exactly what you wanted on your wedding day.

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"I love you. Never change. Unless I decide someday I want you to, then please change fast."

2

It Fears Your Growth and Change

Here's the kicker about how hard it is to be married. Y'know how we all suck and get tired of the same old thing -- especially when we were really desperate to have that thing? Well, we also hate change. Isn't that awesome? Your wife has a new hairstyle? A new friend? A new job? What's this about? How will this affect your life together? Why the new hairstyle? Is she banging the new friend at the new job? Your man's been working out? Why's that? Is it that new divorcee across the street you saw him making winky faces at while taking out the trash? Why is he losing that gut and dying his pubes! Yep, humans are hard to please.

Just like the Internet Cannot Be Satisfied

Think about the reaction every single time Facebook or Google or any site changes its appearance. Everyone dies.

Remember how upset everyone was when Facebook started selling your DNA to the highest bidder? Now everyone loves that function!

1

It Oversimplifies Your Existence

Trust me. If your husband or wife starts any sentence with "That's so you. You always _____," the blank will not be "fill me with love and make me want to give you orgasms all day." It's the start of something bad. Some terrible trait of yours is about to be put on display. Even worse, your entire existence is about to be defined by that trait. You are no longer that wonderful collection of idiosyncratic qualities all coming together to make you the wonderful snowflake you are. Now, you are just the dick who forgot that important date again. You are just that bitch who never had faith in her man.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
For the sole purpose of upsetting people who inexplicably like Ann Coulter, Ann Coulter will be portraying that bitch in this entry.

And the Internet LOVES to Keep You Simple

Let's return to this very site and its columnists as an example. Judging by some readers, you might believe I ONLY write about being Jewish, Cheese only talks about alcohol, DOB's stuff is only about being socially awkward, and ATB only writes about music. I've seen all those comments and criticisms, and they're all just wrong.

Comments have labeled me as both an insufferably arrogant narcissist and an insecure, socially awkward mess. They're both right. They're both wrong. I'm both. I'm neither. And I could explain how my colleagues are not easily defined as well, but I won't, because they're not as interesting to me as I am. (Shut up.)

Some might think the point of this entry is to beat up on anyone who has bitched about me or other Cracked writers. It's not. What I'm really getting at is a problem far more important than misguided abuse: It's unfulfilling love. No person can be defined as only one thing. And anyone who sees you as only one thing can't really love you.

If you love me because I'm always the sexy, Jewish, witty one who appeals to your daddy issues or if you love Soren for always being the somewhat less sexy all-American one who spins lovely satire, then you're not seeing us. For good or bad, oversimplifying someone to the extremes cheapens your love. But the Internet craves niches and labels, and it will never stop trying to come up with one-sentence taglines to itemize its content. That means most of its attacks will fail, just as its embrace will also be unfulfilling, leaving you wondering if the Net even knows what's in its arms.

Buy tix to see Gladstone do stand-up at the Gotham Comedy Club on June 11, 2013.

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