Proposal: The United States replaces the current mandy-pandy public education system with a rigorous academic fighting establishment.
Allow me to explain. Children thrive on competition. It's a known fact that twins often eat each other in the womb, not only taking on the strength of their other but warning their mother about what's what -- from the inside. And even non-twins are known to divert their mother's resources for their own nourishment. Why not take that fierce competitive spirit and nurture it? Why not breed a nation of fetii who have a hunger for for both their mother's blood and the (academic) blood of others?
I know what you're thinking: But Kristi Mae, what would we do with the bodies? Here's my answer to you: purses. Just kidding! We're not going to use the flayed skin of human children to make top-of-the-line handbags worthy of the Kardashian Kollection. Here's what I and specifically Cracked.com and all its staff and advertisers propose:
Militarize the classroom. The average kindergarten classroom looks something like this:
It's like the classroom found a sponsor, and that sponsor was ADHD. What if instead of Pee-Wee's Playhouse up there, we sent kids to this:
Look closely. Can you spot the differences? Let the kids sit on the floor in order to harden their loins. Let the bare walls be a canvas for their imagination. Let the canings help them remember their times tables.
Next, we divide students into teams based on intelligence. We could use IQ tests, or we could show them pictures of the Willy Wonka meme and see who laughs. No need to overthink things. Then we subdivide intelligent teams into more intelligent teams. Actually, most classrooms already do this, but they call it "reading groups." We would just be giving those higher-up teams guns and the dumb teams passports.
Finally, we turn off the lights and see what happens. See? I told you we weren't going to turn children into purses.