5 Tips for Fixing America's Schools (From a Former Teacher)

The point was that we went bananas over the idea of Japanese academic superiority. Was it warranted? No. Look at Japan now, all on the brink of war with China and stuff. But we did learn one thing that the Japanese school system had going for it -- the way of the samurai, which allowed children to die for their education. Sometimes those deaths took place in the form of stress-induced suicides, and sometimes they were more about honor battles with Macchios.

Proposal: The United States replaces the current mandy-pandy public education system with a rigorous academic fighting establishment.

Allow me to explain. Children thrive on competition. It's a known fact that twins often eat each other in the womb, not only taking on the strength of their other but warning their mother about what's what -- from the inside. And even non-twins are known to divert their mother's resources for their own nourishment. Why not take that fierce competitive spirit and nurture it? Why not breed a nation of fetii who have a hunger for for both their mother's blood and the (academic) blood of others?

I know what you're thinking: But Kristi Mae, what would we do with the bodies? Here's my answer to you: purses. Just kidding! We're not going to use the flayed skin of human children to make top-of-the-line handbags worthy of the Kardashian Kollection. Here's what I and specifically Cracked.com and all its staff and advertisers propose:

Militarize the classroom. The average kindergarten classroom looks something like this:

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It's like the classroom found a sponsor, and that sponsor was ADHD. What if instead of Pee-Wee's Playhouse up there, we sent kids to this:

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Look closely. Can you spot the differences? Let the kids sit on the floor in order to harden their loins. Let the bare walls be a canvas for their imagination. Let the canings help them remember their times tables.

Next, we divide students into teams based on intelligence. We could use IQ tests, or we could show them pictures of the Willy Wonka meme and see who laughs. No need to overthink things. Then we subdivide intelligent teams into more intelligent teams. Actually, most classrooms already do this, but they call it "reading groups." We would just be giving those higher-up teams guns and the dumb teams passports.

Finally, we turn off the lights and see what happens. See? I told you we weren't going to turn children into purses.

Plus, think about what capes would do for the self-esteem of American students. It's a known fact that 110 percent of American kids already think they're the bee's knees. Stick a cape on them and their egos will go through the roof. "Oh, I live in the greatest country on the planet and I also dress like a superhero. Let's get a second helping of that, guvna." Maybe you don't think students need more of an ego boost. I disagree. I've seen how far overconfidence can take one. History fact: In 1961, JFK promised he'd get an American on the moon by the end of the decade. The only reason he felt confident enough to make such an audacious promise was because he was a stone cold fox. Do you think Lumpy Abe could have gotten us to the moon?

Blech!

Get real. If the sport of yachting had a face, it would be JFK's. That's what gave him the confidence to make a promise he had no business promising, and then the beauty of his face made it so. We don't have the technology to sew a mask of John F. Kennedy to every girl and boy's face yet, but we do have the technology to make capes that we buy from China. And those capes will give our children confidence.

Let's take Precious, for example. Personally, I never saw that movie because it made me mad that I couldn't call anyone "Precious" anymore without the comment being construed as a burn on their weight. But I know the movie is about a girl who slipped through the cracks. And that it was based on the novel Push by Sapphire. And that she had bangs. Do you think Precious' parents would have abused her if she were wearing a cape? Actually, let's drop that one. Hogwarts kids are good at school and they wear capes.

The boom you just heard was my mic hitting the stage.

By the time I started homeschooling, I adopted a more traditional classical education approach. But I could have chosen a different path. For example, unschooling -- the one where you let your kids do whatever the crap they want as long as they don't eat two magnets at once. Or the Montessori Method -- a philosophy where you let children learn by playing with toys. Or the Dangerous Minds method, which isn't so much a philosophy of education as it is a lifestyle for women who love leather blazers. Or, best of all, the Waldorf Method, which is all fairies all the time.

Double real talk: I misrepresented every single one of those philosophies of education. Sometimes I lose battles with my imagination, but it's OK, because whenever someone calls me out, I play like Juliette Lewis in that music video when she was crazy. Everyone's so enamored with my hipbones, they don't mind that I lied to them.

All of the above examples illustrate the power of imagination and how crucial it is to win the war on stupid. Remember that time when I said we should institute an Academic Fight Club where the losers are not made into purses for the Kardashian Kollection? That was a thought experiment -- me using my imagination to invent a terrible idea. We can use that same creative fuel to solve math problems and science. Or better yet, not. Maybe instead of history, we should teach herhistory. Instead of grammar, gramma's cookie recipes. Maybe if our kids weren't so freaked out about standardized tests, they would enjoy school every now and then. And most importantly, they'd appreciate this huge book I wrote on gnome lore for every girl and boy. Buy it on Amazon today!

I digress.

Unions get a bad rap for defending the bottom of the barrel, and perhaps that's fair. American children are precious, and our future depends on their fat butts. The answer isn't blaming our unions for protecting bad teachers -- the answer is tricking our bad teachers into joining different unions. Dummy unions. It won't be hard. Bad teachers aren't smart. They're not reading this article, because we're already past the 500-word mark. And it's not like anyone is going to scream in the comments about defending bad teachers. "How dare you denigrate people who have no business in the classroom!" Or maybe they will. The world is a crazy place.

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"If a person wears the same shirt twice in one week, he's cheap." -Quote from actual lesson by shitty LAUSD teacher

I have a plan, and I'm going to need everyone's help.

Step one: We take out Craigslist ads in every city in the country. "Wanted: Certified classroom teacher to try free weight loss program. Lose 5 pounds in 5 hours!"

Step two: Use a comically oversized mallet to bonk the heads of whoever answers the ad. Redistribute students to smarter teachers. They'll be better off.

Step three: High-fives all around.

Problems solved. Unions won't have unsmart teachers to defend and we'll all have a pile of bodies to play on. When they wake up, offer them a job at the mall or something. I haven't gotten past the bonking part of the plan yet. (I don't think I need to.)

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation,

RE: Schools, all of them

The schools of America are orgasmic to present this grant proposal to you, Bill or Melinda Gates Foundation. Today there are over 80 million students enrolled in American schools and only five of them can read. The rest are just really good actors. Now, you have a choice. You can send 80 million students to Julliard, or you can fix these schools.

We have your dogs.

XOXO,

America

In the off chance that my grant proposal doesn't work, I have it on the DL that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation lives in Washington State or Portland. I also happen to know that we can find an actress who looks like the Oracle from The Matrix to show up at their doorstep to sweet talk them with cookies and motherly wisdom. I'd sit on a puppy if the Oracle told me to.

She'll get us that money. OH YES. The Oracle will get us that money.

In conclusion, be good parents and help your kids with their homework and everything will probably be OK.

Kristi Harrison is earning that money over on Twitter and Tumblr.

For more from Kristi, check out 5 Silly Childhood Rituals (That Explain Adult Behaviors) and 7 Simple Questions You Won't Believe Science Just Answered.