You can almost hear the frustration in his voice. "No! Holy shit, why is this so hard for you to understand? It's so simple: Ok, first, the priest goes into the house. Are we clear on that part? You understand that's what's going to happen, right? Chad? Are you listening? What did I say step one was?"
I like how he specifically notes that he is giving you the house and putting the defiling mold in it. Sorry I messed up your house. I'm a scamp like that. Here's how to fix it. It is an exceedingly long and difficult process. "Why not just not mess the house up in the first place?" asked no one because they don't want to get smited. Maybe that's what happened to Martha Stewart.
God Hates Uggos -- Leviticus 21:16-21 and 3:1
In a section discussing offerings, God tells us about who can and cannot get near an altar. Which feels kind of weird to me, because I didn't actually realize God had a thing for altars in the first place. But I guess he really, really likes them because he set up some pretty specific rules about them:
"For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles."
You heard the man, nobody with weird eyes or messed-up balls can get close to God. That shit freaks him out. It's not just with humans either, in Leviticus 3:1 when he talks about animal sacrifices he says, "'If your offering is a fellowship offering, and you offer an animal from the herd, whether male or female, you are to present before the lord an animal without defect."
So according to the Bible if there is anything the least bit different about you, God is cool with it and he loves you, but also don't get close to his altar because ew. And also, ick.
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For more check out 6 Bible Stories Where The Moral Was 'Haha F*ck You, I'm God' and 6 Filthy Jokes You Won't Believe Are From the Bible.
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