5 Real News Items That May Be Supervillain Origin Stories
When you would awake from nightmares as a child, screaming into the darkness, the first thing your mother did to reassure you was tell you that there was no such thing as monsters. All the over the top, ridiculous evil beings weren't real, she'd say; the Boogeyman, Darth Vader and Dr. Doom are just stories, she'd say; reality isn't nearly that scary, she'd say. Man, what a lying bitch.
The Hanford Wasps
Like this, but probably firing nuclear blasts.Jesus! There's not much in the natural world worse than wasps. It's pretty much just spiders and cancer below wasps on the scale of Asshole Life Forms... and we made them fucking atomic! Radioactive wasps are officially the scariest thing in nature. I'm not even sure how you top that theoretically. Laser snakes? Cancer-spiders? Luckily for humanity, the cleanup crew had to deduce all of this from the empty nests. They found no wasps, they reassured the press... ...because they've all moved on. Not died off, not self destructed, not swallowed by the righteous fist of a merciful God, they just... left. They abandoned their radioactive birthing grounds, deserted their nuclear hives and now there are nuclear wasps roaming the world, presumably robbing banks while screaming honey-based puns at Captain America.
Teenage Mutant Vampire Drama Queenscauses them to cry real blood. For real. That is a real thing. If it sounds familiar, it's because crying blood is an attribute of vampirism in most stories, as best recently evidenced by True Blood (a show which I feel confident in telling you, after watching every single episode, is a series entirely about Rogue's tits). Nobody can really explain why several of these people--all teenagers so far--suddenly started cropping up and spontaneously weeping blood, but leading experts theorize that Jesus got hammered and thought it might be funny to stigmatize the tear ducts of teenagers: Biology's Drama Queen.
Seattle's Robin HoodHe's a legendary folk bandit archetype - part Robin Hood, part Tom Sawyer and part John Dillinger. He's a criminal that hasn't just charmed the hearts of swooning young girls but--considering the random accidental escapes, fateful strokes of luck and quite frankly idiotic stunts that miraculously work out just fine in the end--has apparently gotten the universe itself wet. He lives entirely in the forests outside Seattle like a feral child. He's thought to be responsible for several dozen burglaries. He's stolen cars, speedboats and even several planes which he taught himself to fly by playing video games. And that is balls right there; figuring you can fly a plane because you've played
Welp, that should do it. I'm ready to fight Russia.It gets even crazier: He uses stolen thermal vision goggles to hunt at night, and he mostly just steals things he can use like blankets, food and medical supplies. He once made-off by driving a car into a gas storage tank and using the explosion as a distraction to escape, another time by crash-landing a plane into a forest clearing and another time by slipping through the dragnet of largest manhunt in a decade. The FBI and police coordinated their efforts and cordoned off an entire island just to catch him. The result? Two policemen say they "think they saw him once" but that he "disappeared right in front of their eyes." Basically, he's a feral hillbilly criminal Batman.
The Radioactive ProfessorIt made him so radioactive that he would pose a significant danger to others, inadvertently passing the radiation on through his urine, saliva, sweat and other bodily fluids. Ordinarily that just kind of sucks: You can't go to the gym, kiss your girlfriend or piss on a hooker, but it's not exactly a villainous qualification. It's not like he's coming for your children or anything. Except for one thing: Thomas Leopold was also a convicted pedophile.
Pictured: The Nuclear Child Molester's trusty steed, the Veloci-pedo!That's right: There was actually a radioactive pedophile professor roaming the Earth at one point in history. That's right again: Roaming the Earth. He escaped, you see. He was being escorted to jail on a ferry to Ireland, when he mysteriously slipped away from his captors and disappeared. In response to this, a judge issued an arrest warrant at which point he actually had to say these words in all seriousness: "Warn the officers that when he is arrested, he might be radioactive." That's a decree by a real court official: Beware the radioactive pedophile. That doesn't sound just sound unbelievable, the words themselves seem to defy understanding. It sounds less like a warning and more like a polite case of Tourette's. Famous Villain Equivalent:
Spider-Cappedand now he can walk again. It was a Brown Recluse that got him, and he went to the hospital to treat the bite. The nurse noticed spasms in his leg--a leg that should not move--and eight months of therapy later he was walking again, completely healed. And I am just so, so pissed off that that works: As a child I spent hours microwaving spiders--despite a crippling fear of both radiation and arachnids--and then trying to get them to bite me. At best I'd get a spider bite that smelled like burnt Hot Pockets; at worst I'd get a Hot Pocket that tasted like burnt spiders.
"--but I also totally killed my bitch ex-girlfriend! WHO'S IMPOTENT NOW, GWEN?!"Jesus! He beats women so much I half-suspect it's a conveniently overlooked side-effect of his super-powers. I'm tempted to put forth the somewhat controversial theory that miraculous spider bites are the primary cause for domestic violence, but then there's guys like David Blancarte who - what? Oh, he was arrested in March? ... For domestic violence? Shit! I've got a microwave to stop! If the next time you see me, I'm an unstoppable girl-face-punching machine the likes of which this world hasn't seen since Nicolas Cage then please remember and mourn the man I was, but stop the monster I've become!
You can pre-order Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead on Amazon, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots but you probably shouldn't get too close, he's just absolutely covered in burning spiders right now.