5 Signs Donald Trump Is Going To Hate The Next Four Years
Holy shit you guys, Trump is going to be president. That's bonkers. Like, I know you're probably sick of hearing this every week on Cracked, but ... Donald Trump is going to be the next president. Our president-elect is a spray-tanned reality TV star celebrated by actual white supremacists and terrorists. That is hilarious on paper, but deeply unsettling in reality ... like Muppet rabies, or a wizard masturbating.
But at least there's a small silver lining, and it's that, while the American people certainly don't want Donald Trump to be president ... Donald Trump doesn't want to be president either. At least, not when the full weight of the job finally hits him, and it becomes chillingly clear that he is in way over his head in every conceivable way. Imagine how he's going to feel when he realizes ...
Most Of America Hates His Guts
Let's crunch some depressing numbers. Hillary Clinton got about 63 million votes, while Trump made off with two million less -- which is roughly what Romney got in 2012 when he lost. That's because the 2016 election had a pretty low voter turnout on account America hating both candidates equally, like some kind of dickhead Sophie's Choice.
And so out of a U.S. population of 250,000,000 eligible voters, roughly 30 percent actually voted for our president-elect -- and I'm willing to bet a great deal of those did it only because they hated Hillary's guts as much as the left hates Trump. For the American people, this was a battle of spite -- the political equivalent of the ending of Se7en. And now that we've purposefully failed this Jigsaw trap, the "victors" aren't exactly whistling "We Are The Champions."
In short, no matter who had won, they were going to start as the least popular president in a long while. Only here's the one key difference: Unlike Trump, Hillary Clinton has endured 30 goddamn years of grade-A American bullshit ... whereas T-Money can't handle so much as a SNL sketch or reasoned plea without a 12-hour Twitter whine-and-jeez party.
Typical rich white men, ALWAYS demanding safe spaces ...
I hate to break this to you, future-President Trump (we both know you read all my work), but even popular presidents get booed a whole lot. Obama was a brainy personified bear hug of a man, and even he got 30 death threats a day. Because no matter your charm, there is always going to be a large group of people getting triple-screwed by the system. And policies and party completely aside, Donald Trump has no charm. In fact, Donald J. Trump has all the social and sexual appeal of a maternity ward fire. He'll be the first president with less charisma than the foam puppet version Gwar slaughters on stage.
And as he desperately attempts to rectify this, that 30 percent who were invigorated by his fringe message will no doubt hate his attempts to appear moderate for the other 70 percent. And while he could turn this all around with a smart and caring political support system, there's one little problem ...
"Draining The Swamp" Means Having ZERO Political And Public Support
Now that it's the Democrats' turn to be the stupid stubborn babies, Low-Popularity Trump is going to need heavy support from his party as he stodgily attempts to lead the country like a belligerent band leader. Only there's a problem: Trump has no party. He won the nomination by essentially hijacking votes from the name-brand Republicans. He's basically an independent in that regard, and for that reason, his entire campaign has been one desperate search for support.
Trump ran a campaign of name-calling, disrespect, and vulgarity toward his opponents. It's no surprise that experienced strategists and advisors to "Lyin'" Ted Cruz and "Low-Energy" Jeb Bush had zero interest in working with him as the frontrunner. Even renowned dog-artist George W. Bush refused to vote for him.
"He killed my brother."
"Uh, I'm still alive ..."
And even now that he's elected, everyone from management-level GOP to known figures like Ben Carson are still jumping ship as this dried apricot builds a staff of white supremacists and climate change deniers. Meanwhile, Trump is fanning this flaming bridge by slowly purging his campaign of experienced politicians like Chris Christie and head of House Intelligence Mike Rogers.
See, while "draining the swamp" might seem like a romantic idea, in practice, it leaves a bunch of pissed-off alligators in the mud. Not to mention that in this analogy, Trump is damaging the wetland ecosystem to keep his stupid airboat afloat. And once he's POTUS, Trump might be surprised to learn that political management is nothing like a reality show where you can expel people like a casual fart.
Yep. It turns out that presidents don't tend to fire people, on account of it either being impossible (he can't fire military leaders, for example) or a major blow to their popularity with the American people. Nearly every rare time it does happen (like when Bush replaced Rumsfeld), the result is politically disastrous and often undercuts key policy. Because sure, instantly ejecting anyone who displeases you might be immediately gratifying ... until you remember that it's also the get-your-face-eaten Ramsay Bolton approach to leadership.
For Trump, Being President Is A Drastic And Degrading Lifestyle Downgrade
While we're talking about Game Of Thrones characters, nothing says you're down with the working class than living in a golden tower or appearing on 60 Minutes while sitting on golden thrones.
"The seat cushions are a custom blend of five different endangered animals."
He may not be a good businessman or well-informed or particularly well-spoken or reserved in any way, but Donald Trump is quite rich. And I'm guessing that he thought none of his follies would matter if he became president, because the presidency is a job that would demand dignity the way money demands respect. Only Trump is now learning that Obama was just making the gig look cool, because the harsh reality is that leading the free world is a thankless and boring job that puts Trump at the mercy of the very same press he's worked so hard to undermine and disregard. Now that he's "made it," his microphone is permanently hot, the camera shutters are constantly agape, and suddenly a quiet night out is now this hilarity:
That's from a month back, when Trump attempted to ditch his press pool to eat dinner with his family -- something they don't appreciate, on account of the American people having the right to know every waking moment of the president's life. Because as president, Trump no longer gets to have privacy. Nor do his trophy-hunting kids, who can't even walk the streets without heckles about their cantaloupe elder.
"He was last seen drying his tears with $100 bills."
Meanwhile, that really old house he's expected to live in for the next four years (that white one in Washington) is downright rustic in comparison.
Look at that shit. There's barely any tacky gold on anything. Not to mention that this requires living in Washington, D.C. and not Manhattan. (Honestly, how many sacrifices do we expect the president to make?) This is no doubt why Trump is in the process of figuring out how many nights he can logistically spend in his NYC penthouse, where his wife and kid plan to stay in lieu of moving to the White House. Because once again, nothing shows you understand rural America more than spending your leadership plugging merch from a gold-plated tower summit overlooking Central Park.
And if you think living in Manhattan will somehow win the New York elite back in his favor, keep in mind what kind of logistical dicktoss fortifying the middle of Manhattan must be. Roads will be closed, businesses will be shut down, parking will somehow be worse. All thanks to President "I'm Too Precious To Live In The White House" Trump and his stuffed lion Stepford family of steak-eaters.
But hey, none of this matters if he fulfills his campaign promises, right?
There's Zero Chance He Can Fulfill His Campaign Promises
I'm not sure how else to put this, but Trump has some pretty bad ideas. His pied-sky solutions are exactly what you'd expect from someone with no government experience. He's casually proposed war crimes without even realizing it. He has all the political instincts of a stoned teenager, and for this reason, there are a lot of promises he's made that simply won't happen ... starting with his signature move.
To be fair, lying was his original signature move.
Building a physical wall bordering the entire south of America would be so expensive that it would absolutely require congressional approval -- something that would take years of coaxing to do. And even if he somehow got independent funding (no, Mexico won't pay for it), it would take even more time to work out all the legal and environmental red tape that comes with erecting a structure across multiple private properties and state lines. It is a logistical farce, a baby fantasy (something most of us already knew). Which is why Trump has already begun to walk back his rhetoric about it.
"Like, a really tall fence. Like, shoulder-height, at least."
Other things Trump is taking back: his promise to deport 11 million undocumented immigrants ... which has been reduced to only include immigrants who have been charged with a crime. Only even those reduced numbers are still deemed a logistical nightmare by the Department of Homeland Security, which is in no way equipped to deport people on a massive scale or handle the endless legal hearings required to kick people out of the country. Yeah, you can't up and toss people in trucks and send them over the border like Trump supporters are no doubt picturing. Just like how there's no goddamned way that Hillary Clinton is going away for crimes she has never been charged with. Even if Trump wanted to "lock her up" (which it seems he doesn't).
How long will it take before people start realizing that everything Trump stood for is being quietly abandoned due to logistical impossibility? It's all fun and games to say you'll repeal Obamacare, but when you look into it, it turns out that's really hard to do without overwhelming support in the Senate.
"Obamacare is a disaster" -- Trump literally one month ago.
At best, Trump can makes smaller legislative adjustments to weaken the law and enact his own system. Only that would require Trump to know how the system works. And unfortunately for Trump, and frankly all of America ...
Trump Has No Idea How To Be President
Voting for Trump because you think the system is corrupt is like buying a car on eBay because you hate dealerships. You weren't wrong in your assessment, but your solution was impulsive and grotesquely misinformed. Honestly, I don't think it was all racists who voted for this man ... because even some racists took civics class, or at least remembered that Monorail episode of The Simpsons. This wasn't about ideology, or a frustrated rural Midwest, or an out-of-touch liberal bubble. This was about basic lack of education in America, combined with apathy and spite. And for that reason, we passed up one of the most experienced candidates ever in favor of a shifty man with zero background in politics. Name a single fucking job where you'd rather have an "outsider" in charge, you goddamn children.
"Sure, he's never been to med school ... but I love the way he tells it like it is."
And now here we are, with a president-elect who has no idea what goes into the day-to-day logistics of running a government. A president-elect who has, on multiple occasions, expressed disinterest with certain parts of the job he was trying to get. A man who has never taken an economics class or gone to law school or shown any competence in foreign affairs is going to run the United States. This is the man who is going to fill the shoes of scholars before him -- and he's about to learn how goddamn hard and boring that task really is.
Because being president is not like the TV and movies say, you know. It's dull, and it's filled with paperwork and minutiae and patience. It's a brainy, nerdy job that requires constant attention and devotion. You have to love it.
Like-like it, at the very least.
On his first meeting with Obama, Trump was apparently so overwhelmed by the position that our soon-to-be-ex-president agreed to spend extra-special time tutoring him on the job. As one blogger recently pointed out, the best revenge Obama could have taken was to treat Trump as an equal and assume he knew the functions of the Executive Branch. Instead, Obama took pity on this toasted clown of a man. Because that's what a real president does -- he shows humility and thinks about the bigger picture, and doesn't act like some petty fucking nobody.
You mean other than the entire episode they let you host earlier?
Imagine walking into an airport, screaming that you should get to fly the plane, and then, to your complete dumbfuckery, having that demand fulfilled. Suddenly you're sitting at 40,000 feet in front of a massive jumble of switches and lights and have no clue what to do. That would be a nightmare. For everyone on board.
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