5 Sex Toys Made By People Who Have Clearly Never Had Sex
It's generally understood that sex toys should exist to make boning better. Well, try explaining that to the makers of these fucking products, all of which add borderline incomprehensible extra steps to what should be an easy, instinctive, well-lubricated function.
(Obligatory disclaimer: The following article is NSFW as balls. Like, it doesn't have pictures of actual balls or anything, but it definitely comes close. But hey -- you knew what you were getting into when you clicked this, didn't you? Strap on your seatbelt, because we're in this together now, whether you like it or not.)
A Goddamned Vibrating Dental Splint
Hey, you know what would be super sexy? Strapping a vibrating device on your teeth and just going to town on someone! What, you're saying that would be the worst way to use both a vibrator and your mouth? You're saying that vibra-punching your own teeth while you go chin first into the nethers of your supposed loved one is a bad idea?
Congratulations! You're absolutely correct. Even better -- you're also pretty clearly not the manufacturer that put together this vibrating dental splint.
Yeah. That's a straight-up orthodontic bite splint, only with a vibrator attached. It's clearly meant for oral sex, but with the added difficulty level that it's now impossible to have oral sex. It's fixed to your teeth so it doesn't move with the tongue, which means that you basically have to move your entire head. So unless your headbanging game is really, really strong, the only thing you're going to fuck is your dental health as you provide an exorcism for your partner's sex drive.
You'll notice that the product tries to pass itself off as a "tongue vibrator," which is a ridiculous concept in itself -- whatever you're planning to do with your tongue, odds are it's going to require precision and passion way the hell more than having a ceaselessly rumbling pill pocket on your soul patch. Still, as soon as you delve deeper in the product description, the dental aspect reveals itself:
Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist. This amazing pleasure tongue vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit directly onto the teeth and causes virtually no discomfort or vibration to the mouth or teeth while doing so.
It then goes on to flaunt the fact that the package comes with a lube that tastes like liquor, because the manufacturers have long since given up hope that people who don't need the taste of booze in their mouth at all times will ever even consider buying their product. Still, even the misguided souls shelling out money for an "orthodontist-designed" sex splint can look down on the folks who employ the Snorkel O Vibrating Muff Dive Gear:
That model seems way too happy to be wearing that.
It's essentially the same fucking thing, but with breathing tubes because muff diving. On a positive note, if you step into the bedroom looking like you're planning a scuba trip in the Great Barrier Queef, any questions that you've ever had about the strength of your relationship are going to be answered very, very soon.
The Gnarly Rider Silicone Saddle
Did you hear? Someone has finally solved the riddle of how to combine poolside fun and sexy times, those two things that no one has famously ever been able to figure out how to bring together in any way whatsoever! The answer to this age-old dilemma turns out to be surprisingly simple: Enter a pool noodle into the sex equation, and all of the hitherto hidden erotica of scantily clad beach shenanigans will be yours.
N-no, not the way you're thinking. Come on. We've been through this, and the Hungarian Spit-Roast is a four-person maneuver that requires far more rigidity than a mere pool noodle can provide. Get your act together. We'll never graduate Sex University if you keep making rookie mistakes like that.
Besides, the reality is much, much stupider. Here's the Gnarly Rider Silicone Saddle:
Fun fact that the makers probably should have Googled: "Gnarly" chiefly translates to "difficult" and "bad."
Why, yes, that is a saddle that you strap on a pool noodle and then attach a vibrator to, which you'll then ride to get off. After all, nothing enhances your masturbation experience like adding at least two completely unnecessary and highly visible extra steps to it. Somehow, the Saddle was also apparently a nominee in the 2016 "O" awards, which I know for a fact is a sex toy award but Google keeps claiming is this identically named music award. So I'm going to go ahead and assume that its motor sound was nominated for "Best EDM song" because there's no way in hell anyone would look at that thing and go: "Hey, that totally needs a fuck award."
It sure as shit isn't going to get any design awards.
Come to think of it, why would anyone assume the world needs a product designed for nailing goddamned pool noodles, beyond the usual "chaos demons told me to make this" explanation? It's a great question, to the point that even the manufacturers seem confused about what they actually want to say about their creation. Here, bask in the glory of the Gnarly Rider's product description on their website:
"POWERFUL, TURBULENT, BALLS-OUT DANGEROUS, SOUL-SUCKINGLY OVER THE TOP, BEYOND RADICAL JARED-LETO'S-JOKER LEVEL EXTREME PLEASURE! Enjoy its discreet and quiet fun."
Je Joue, the Smartest Of All Vibrators
Back in the ancient annals of history (2006), a company asked itself: Who wouldn't want a sex toy that can be customized to the user's specific needs and urges? And so they set out to create the world's first completely programmable vibrator, and rake in the mountains of cash that would inevitably follow.
Instead, what they got was Je Joue.
AKA "Lady Shaver Meets TI-83."
Technically, Je Joue was precisely what it promised: A programmable non-penetrative vibrator that allowed you to pick different vibration patterns for your exact preference. They even made a big deal about how it could be used over email to help people who are far apart get intimate. I'm not entirely positive anyone has ever even wanted to use email for teledildonics, even with a device that allows you to do it by creating vibration patterns for each other like a sex version of Super Mario Maker, but congratulations to the Je Joue people for cornering that niche, I guess.
All in all, things sounded pretty amazing, right up until you actually started fiddling around with the programming part, and were slapped in the face with this:
"God, I'm so turned on by programming interfaces!" -- No one ever
Unless you were a really hardcore programming nerd, Je Joue's potential for joy ended the second you actually attempted to use it. Every single change you wanted to make to its patterns (or "grooves," as they liked to call them) had to be programmed with a specific Pleasureware software designed for this exact purpose. Even with all this engineering, the program had its limits: The maximum length of a groove was 30 minutes, so screw you if you are one of those people who want to take their time.
When you inevitably said "fuck it" and decided to run with Je Joue's 10 pre-programmed grooves, things didn't get any better. The device was operated with a combination of an LCD screen and a scroll wheel, which were located in the device itself. Now, take a moment to picture where a vibrator is generally located when you use it, and take a wild fucking guess how handily you can operate a goddamn scroll wheel with your sticky fingers, let alone an LCD screen. This leaves you with two options: Either you attempt to stare at the thing throughout while contorting yourself, yoga-master style, or you just kind of fumble at the controls and hope that you won't accidentally launch the "mortar barrage" setting this time.
The WowerShower, Which Will Ruin Your Bath Time With Pure Sexy
Everyone who's familiar with hygiene and genitalia has probably discovered masturbating in the shower at some point in their lives (and if you haven't, well, feel free to take a break before you finish this column). It's a concept that lends itself to infinite options to improve the experience, ranging from all sorts of waterproof gadgetry that the sex toy market is bursting at the seams with, to plain ol' creative antics with the showerhead. So, of course it was just a matter of time before someone cut the middleman and combined the two. Thus, the WowerShower was born.
"Guaranteed to make you wet." -- Actual product tagline, which I can't really feel angry about.
It's a dildo! And a showerhead! And ... not an awfully bad idea at all, I suppose. Shower self-love is always a risky business, slippage-wise. If the throes of your particular passion require utilizing both of these things separately, you're left with precisely zero hands to keep you from unfortunate, mood-killing pratfalls. This one'll do the job of both, plus twisting its cap unleashes hidden jets directly at the clitoris, which, if nothing else, manages to be the third sexiest sentence featuring the words "jet" and "clitoris" that I've heard all week.
Sure, it's not a perfect product. You need to keep attaching and unattaching it, since neither your post-orgasm self nor your non-sexy shower sessions are likely to use a shower with a frankly un-ergonomic-looking dildo handle, even though "accidentally shot yourself in the eye with a hidden clitoris jet" does sound like a fantastic way to get sick leave from work. Oh, and after all that extra effort, the product still comes with one slight drawback, best illustrated by this diagram from its web page:
"Ooh yeah, let's see what those water jets can d- WHARBARGL!"
Yeah, see, that's the problem. There's probably a solid product idea hiding behind all that screwing and unscrewing and weird, hidden James Bond jet tricks. However, chances are that you won't get to experience it, because you're stuck with a regular ol' dildo attached to a showerhead that is currently shooting water in assorted directions that miss their intended target entirely. Place a showerhead according to that picture, and depending on your water pressure, it'll likely just shoot water on your face and in your nose. But hey, maybe that's your thing. Who am I to judge?
The Handjob SOM
Here's how a guy usually masturbates: 1) Remove fabric between hand and dong. 2) Crank one out.
Here's how the Handjob SOM wants you to masturbate: 1) Remove pants. 2) Awkwardly jam the device under your ass to hold it. 3) Adjust the hand holster to suitable height and carefully wriggle in your ... look, I'm actually not positive that I even know enough numbers to accurately describe this, so I'm just going to provide you with a picture. I'm sorry in advance for the sheer stupidity of the image that your eyes are about to be teabagged by:
In a perfect world, that thing would just repeatedly punch you in the crotch for buying anything this stupid.
Why, yes, friend. That is a masturbation robot that looks like the worst Nintendo accessory in history, and it exists solely to jerk you off. With a plastic baby hand. But that's OK, because according to that illustration, you're going to be a baby yourself, right down to the diaper. Wait, hold on. That doesn't make it OK at all. If anything, it makes it worse.
But I digress. To the product specifics! According to the manufacturer, this handy (Ha!) product is aiming to replace the old "just sit on your hand a bit so it becomes numb" trick. In its stead, it offers you an 80-110 tpm (thrusts per minute) baby hand ride, performed by a fully adjustable baby hand that you control with a controller unit that you hold in your normal, adult sized, non-baby hand, thus requiring you to use your hand in any case (baby hand baby hand baby hand). Jesus Christ, guys. This is not going to get any better, is it? Let's just stop here and go stare at a wall in order to regain some trust in human sexuality. Meanwhile, the manufacturer can just rename this the Trump Masturbator or whatever, and drown in the dollars the alt-right will pelt them with from here to eternity.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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