5 Reasons You Should Be in a Mixed-Race Relationship
Society is facing more problems than ever, and I have a solution that can fix at least three of them. We all need to find a partner of a different race and make babies with them. If you are gay or unable to have biological children, just make sure that any children you do raise were produced by this method.
But what if you're already in a happy, monogamous relationship with a partner of the same race? I don't believe in telling other people what to do with their personal lives, but you should break up with them immediately and hook up with the first person you run into on the street who is of the opposite race.
"Opposite" might be a tough concept, as we all know black is the opposite of white, but what is the opposite of Asian? I've made a handy chart to help you out.
Turns out this was a lot more complex than I originally thought.
It's also OK to make a diagonal move, but you get less points.
Anyway, now that you're with your new, exotic (to you) partner, let's go over the ways you're helping the world:
We Will Learn How Boring People of All Races Can Be
Sometimes, when we don't know anyone of a certain race, that race starts to seem mysterious to us. Chinese and Japanese words become exotic runes you can tattoo on yourself that will magically make you cool, as opposed to mundane tools of written communication. Eastern religions become a pathway to enlightenment that don't require the skeptical eye we throw at Western religions. People who live in huts do it because their beautiful minds understand simplicity and how material things aren't important, not because they are poor and they have to.
There's a term used to describe the phenomenon: "exoticizing the other." You will discover to your horror that even people of "exotic" cultures use boring phrases like this.
If you actually had to live with someone from that culture and work out whether the bedroom window should be open or closed at night, or who does the dishes, or who hates whose friends, you would realize how disappointingly ordinary they are.
"I have so much to tell you about my fantasy football team."
When I first started dating a white guy, I thought he was going to be really exotic and fascinating. I thought he was going to drive a monster truck, live on a farm, belong to a country club, and be addicted to OxyContin because he was too lazy to finish high school. The only part that was true was that he was lazy.
He was also funny and smart, so I married him, but in the process I learned that there is nothing inherently interesting about white people just because they are white, and that deep down they are just as human as Chinese people.
More so if we're going by volume. Ha ha! Please don't hurt me.
By all means, hook up with the white people if you are nonwhite (as I have ordered you to), but if you've got the "white fever," you might want to lower your expectations. It turns out a very large number of them have jobs, wear shoes, and know what math is.
It Will Help Us Mutate Faster to Adapt to Climate Change
Climate change, global warming, whatever you want to call it, the point is that one day Waterworld will no longer be considered a laughable flop, but rather a prescient, laughable flop. When that day comes, humanity's best chance is to evolve heat resistance and maybe gills and/or inflatable air sacs.
If everybody is boning people whose ancestors came from the same place as theirs, the new people they make are generally just more of the same. (Physically, I mean. Not our souls, which are all unique snowflakes.) In the post-apocalypse, we'll need some radically different new people, with laser vision and Wolverine claws.
Or the ability to create holograms with their minds. Practical stuff like that.
Our best strategy is to just randomly mix the most different people we can find, making all types of new combinations of people that Columbus couldn't have imagined. The more new, heretofore unseen, combos we make, the more chance that one or more of them will be a better fit for Waterworld than anyone who came before. And when the solar flares kill the rest of us, they'll hook up with each other (not much choice, really) and make some more Waterworld people.
So when you're getting up the nerve to ask out that sexy opposite-race person you've had your eye on, steel yourself by remembering that you're doing it for future humans to have wings and telepathy.
You Will Force People From Different Backgrounds to Eat Together
People are always talking the big talk about how we all need to be less combative in this country and sit down and have a dialogue and really just listen to the other side. But who actually does it? Nobody, that's who. It's so rare that when it does happen, people have to write a long blog post about how they talked to a real live Mexican/Muslim/Republican/lesbian today and how they learned a life-changing lesson, and then it gets a thousand shares from people who think this is as exceptional as a moon landing.
(Those are supposed to be four different types of people that the blogger might have learned about, not one really interesting person.)
"My name is Asma Hernandez, and my wife and I want a lower corporate tax rate."
I'm not blaming people for not doing it. Sometimes they really would like to but the logistics are a nightmare. You don't know this person real well (trying to get to know them is the point of the whole exercise) and it's always awkward to propose doing something with someone for the sake of getting to know them better. You're afraid they'll think you want them as a trophy ("my black friend"), or afraid you really think that deep down. Even when different backgrounds aren't an issue, someone of the opposite sex wonders if you're trying to hit on them and someone of the same sex ... also wonders that nowadays, I guess.
But the rest of us have to do something. Society is not going to change with a handful of blogger epiphanies. We need to be doing this on a large scale, and that's where our dirty, dirty miscegenation comes in. When you raise a baby with someone from a different cultural background, grandparents, uncles, and aunts will be forced at some point to literally break bread with someone really different from them, whether it's at a birthday party, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover, Chinese New Year, Burning Man, or whatever weird tradition one half of the family does.
Like the annual Hopkins family dog hunt. Weirdos.
You learn a lot about other groups, like that not all poor white people are lazy rednecks! That Republicans/Democrats are, technically, human! That atheists have a moral code, even if it doesn't make any sense to you!
If it seems weird that I'm making a leap from different races to differing politics and religion, keep in mind that a lot of religions and political views are pretty sharply split along racial lines. There's no guarantee that talking to someone of a different race means you'll be talking to someone with different ideas, but odds are pretty good, at least better than if you stuck with people that look like you and grew up where you did.
It's The Only Thing That Will Literally Get Rid of Race
A lot of people talk about moving past race or how race doesn't matter anymore, but stats show this is a lie, as Cracked has previously pointed out (see point #5). We've also pointed out how you have less control over racist thoughts than you realize.
You can't make race go away by loudly telling everyone who will listen that race doesn't mean anything to you. You CAN make race go away by actually getting rid of races.
I am aware Hitler had a method for this, but it involved getting rid of people. My method is the complete opposite, as it involves making more people. If everyone finds a person who looks as different from them as possible and makes a baby with them, then after a number of generations, we will all, ironically enough, start to look real similar, at least as far as skin tone.
I know the modern mind wants to rebel against this idea because it makes us sound like we'll be a bunch of conformist clones that think alike, but keep in mind that we're not getting rid of any of the cornucopia of genes we have today, we're just spreading them around. One perfectly tan future human might love rules and numbers and be a bureaucrat, another might be a shiftless hippy artist, another might be a crazy XTREME SPORTS ATHLETE RIGHTEOUS BRO, who knows? There will still be geniuses and dummies, free spirits and sticks in the mud, people who enjoy Two and a Half Men and people who have good taste.
That's the case with any current race you can name, so why wouldn't it be with a new race? We'll still be different on the inside, we'll just look a lot more alike on the outside.
This sounds like it could still be a bummer, but fortunately ...
Mixed-Race People Are Really Good-Looking
Olivia Munn is generally considered to be somewhat good-looking.
I think I'm being completely objective here when I say that my mixed-race child is the best-looking baby in all of recorded history. I would post a picture of him, but he's planning on running for president one day and wants to keep as much of his personal information off the Internet as possible.
However, I think that Beyonce ...
... Kelly Hu ...
... Jessica Alba ...
... Drake ...
... Maggie Q ...
... Mark Dacascos (with Monica Bellucci, but I think she's just Italian) ...
... and Mariah Carey ...
... should be a pretty convincing starting argument.
For the genuinely scientifically minded who demand reproducible results, I suggest you create your own mixed-race children using the methods I have outlined above. I would be happy to discuss your findings with you in nine months.
Christina can be Twittered at @americanwombat and Facebooked at ChristinaHWombat.
For more from Christina, check out 6 Things People Get Way Too Worked Up About and 7 Phrases That Are Great Signs It's Time to Stop Talking.
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