5 Products That Allow You to Master Your Dreams
A man like me is not destined for power. The world has survival instincts, just like an animal, and it knows better than to let that happen. But all men desire power to some extent, and I am no exception. Since it can't (and shouldn't) happen in reality, there is only one avenue left for people like me to execute their twisted power fantasies: dreams. Dreams are the perfect consequence-free outlet for man's darker nature, with the only problem being the inability to control their path. So I'm going to review five products that promise you mastery over your dreams, and then use them all in a totally impartial and professional field test. I do this solely in the pursuit of using the subconscious to free mankind from our own cloistering morality, and also because my PlayStation broke and I'm looking for a lazier version of video games. First up, the products:
Lightning Bug White Noise App
Related: The 5 Most Horribly Irresponsible Smart Phone Apps
The Vertical Commuter Bed
Related: 'The Gaming Bed' Is A Thing, And It Is Yikes
NovaDreamer Lucid Dream Mask
Related: The 5 Weirdest Things That Influence Your Dreams
Haunted Dream Ring
Related: The 5 Least Spooky Real World Hauntings
Jury-Rigged Bed Shotgun
The Field Test:I got some odd looks when I stumbled onto my local public transport system and began deploying the vertical bed from its Hitman-esque briefcase. Luckily, when I slipped the NovaDreamer mask over my eyes, those looks stopped - because I stopped seeing them, and that's how the world works. I reached my left hand down to unmute my phone, already playing the white noise app. My own custom mix consists of "jungle sounds," "fire trucks," "trains," and "thunder" - because I live an adventurous life, and I consider a flaming train hurtling through the dark and stormy jungles of Belize to be relaxing, by comparison. Some people can't fall asleep without a fan on; I can't drift off until I hear monkeys burning. To each their own.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook or you could attack him for his blatant size-ist agenda with all of your tiny, adorable little sense of injustice.