5 Ridiculous TV Remakes We Wish Netflix Would Tackle Next
Gilmore Girls? More like give me more girls! Am I right? I'm sure that I am, because Netflix is allowing audiences to take another look into Stars Hollow's world of coffee and quotable quips with Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life. But why stop there? With the Entourage movie and The X-Files revival and the 24 thing that happened and (no, seriously) a That's So Raven reboot, there is no better time than now than to revive every show that you've ever wanted to see again.
So grab your shovels and your hunchbacks, because I think my mind has finally snapped. I'm just going to go into my quiet place and let my alter ego come out and do his thing, because I'm not sure how many more reboots I can handle. But he can. He loves them. So he -- er ... I -- TV Executive Lee Beverly, will dig up the corpses of five popular shows and stitch them back together for the fans. You're welcome.
Bonanza told the story of the lovable Cartwright family, lasting 431 episodes. So to catch up audiences with the new season, NBC and I have come to the agreement that it would be best to remove NBC's entire nightly lineup to make room for Bonanza reruns. Shows like American Ninja Warrior, The Blacklist, and Law & Order: SVU have been effectively cancelled (until we bring them back in 2030) to make room for what we'll call NBC'S BONANZA BLOCK, which is just episodes of Bonanza played ceaselessly until we can make it through all 431 heartwarming tales of adventure and whimsy. If a major news story or the Olympics occurs during NBC'S BONANZA BLOCK, we believe it is our right to ignore it entirely.
This will all lead up to the NBC mega event THE BONANZA RETURNS (named by me), which will feature not one, not two, but 18 one-hour-long episodes of THE BONANZA RETURNS (also named by me). "What will these episodes be about, Lee? Most of the cast of Bonanza is dead!" Check out some of these episode descriptions, which are sure to leave Bonanza superfans thirsting for more, and Bonanza conspiracy theorists searching for deeper meaning:
Episode 1, "The Bonanza Returns": An hour-long shot of the burial site of each Bonanza actor, played simultaneously. Meanwhile, the Bonanza theme loops constantly in the background to make all the death less sad.
Episode 2, "The Bonanza Returns 2": A NEW generation of the Cartwright family, led by wacky parents Tony Cartwright (John Goodman) and Jessica Cartwright (Mindy Kaling), move into the old Cartwright house. Jokes are aplenty, and the episode ends with Tony telling viewers which members of the original cast will not be returning. Meanwhile, the Bonanza theme loops constantly in the background.
To keep this tasteful, we'll only mention the names once.
Episode 3, "The Special Bonanza Reunion Episode": The NEW generation of the Cartwright family visits the mass Cartwright grave located a few feet behind their house. There, they take the time to remember all the fun times they had with the original cast of Bonanza. Mindy Kaling and John Goodman take turns reciting quotes from Hoss, a character whom IMDb tells me was very beloved in the original show. The original Bonanza theme is replaced by a Bonanza theme remix, created by rapper Macklemore.
How I Met Your Mother
How I Met Your Mother ended in 2014, and some people (Democrats) would say, "It's not been long enough. We should wait a little while before bringing this one back." Don't people like money and fun? I don't know what is wrong with the people who said that. Are they saying that? Who said what? Did I get high and buy a yacht last night?
Look, a lot of people were pissed about how it ended, and I get that. You wait the whole time for Ted Mosby to end up with Robin, and this other girl shows up to ruin the story? It would make my blood boil too, if I watched the show. So in our spinoff, MosbyTown (named after a hilarious line in the first episode of MosbyTown, titled "MosbyTown"), we're going to give the audience what they want, which is more of the romance between Ted and Robin. A quick scan of the How I Met Your Mother Wikipedia page tells me that the last episode ended with Ted and Robin looking at each other. That's a great way to open MosbyTown, and from there, we'll see how their relationship blossoms.
Oh, the joys of young love. I'm behind on, like, 12 alimony payments.
We probably won't mention Ted's dead wife at all. And I've already decided to dump the storyline about Barney Stinson having a kid, because I don't like kids. Mine don't call me, and they suck. We'll play this off with one of those fun Barney jokes. Ted will be like, "Didn't you have a kid?" and Barney will be like, "I did, but I Legen -- wait for it -- ferried it across the sea to an island for unwanted children. Legen-ferried!" Laugh track. Boom. Story resolved.
I bet they'll make memes about it. I'll finally get to figure out what memes are.
Also, Jason Segel has refused to answer my emails, so we're going to have to replace Marshall with a new, equally lovable character named Zack, who will be played by The Office star John Krasinski. And get this: Zack is constantly complaining about working in an office. It's touches like these that really establish that you have a deep respect for the original series. The season finale will feature Zack marrying Marshall's former wife, adopting their kids as his own, and spitting on a picture of Jason Segel. One email, Jason. Just reply to one.
I'll get rid of John if that's what you want, Jason. firstname.lastname@example.org
Netflix has already agreed to let me produce five seasons of MosbyTown, but if the viewers stick around, that number could increase tenfold. That means MosbyTown will continue long past the time when you're Legen -- wait for it -- dead and buried. Legen-buried!
Band Of Brothers
It's tricky to adapt real-life historical events, but from what I've seen in the first eight minutes of the Band Of Brothers miniseries, executive producers Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks did a bang-up job. But, and no offense to Mr. Spielberg, they missed a crucial part of what audiences want from these kinds of narratives. And that's an answer to the question "What are they doing now?"
That's why, coming to FOX this fall because HBO told me to fuck myself, is Band Of Brothers 2.0. All of your favorite Band Of Brothers characters, played by renowned old as shiiiiiit actors like Alan Alda and Al Pacino, working together in a crazy modern world that they don't understand. When I watched the first eight minutes of the first episode of Band Of Brothers, I was captivated. It tugged at my heartstrings. But I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to know how older versions of these guys would react to Tinder.
Imagine them trying to download an app! Hilarious. I'll sell two seasons on that joke alone.
FOX has graciously allowed me to explore all of the territory that the original Band Of Brothers series was too nervous to explore. Now, I know what you're thinking: "I don't want to see old veterans on my screen. They're not hip. They're not cool. I can't relate to that." That's why we're adding their grandchildren to the mix -- a few crazy teenagers who are constantly getting into trouble, but eventually find out that there's some wisdom in these old farts. Check out this dialogue sample that I got from the pilot. There aren't any spoilers, I promise.
INT: OLD DUDE'S NICE HOUSE
We see former Major RICHARD trying to work his new television remote. From the right, his grandson PATRICK enters, wearing a sleeveless shirt. Patrick looks annoyed with the old man.
Grandpa, don't you know how to work ANYTHING?
Back in my day ... my best friend was killed by a mine, and I can't forget about it.
Look, I know that making fun of real-life veterans probably isn't very "PC," but here on FOX, we are dedicated to giving you groundbreaking comedies like Family Guy and the one about the spy and the fish. I didn't make it this far in this industry by bending to the whims of every generational fad that pops up. When Johnny Carson put that gun in my hand and told me that I had to shoot the boy or else I would lose my job, you know what I did? Johnny and I got steaks afterward.
We were ravenous that night.
Where do souls go when they leave the body? I need to know. email@example.com
So I was checking my girlfriend's Facebook, because she'd been acting shifty and I figured that she was trying to reconnect with her husband again, and I saw that she'd posted something about "celebrities that you didn't know were in famous TV shows." I told that list the same thing I told my wife when she asked me about my girlfriend: "That's awfully presumptuous." I work in TV. I'm an encyclopedia of trivia. There's nothing that I don't know. And just in case you were wondering, she was trying to reconnect with him. Good luck with that. Let's see how much she wants to make the marriage work when I fire his ass.
On that list was Jon Hamm, who has a great chin. God, what a beautiful chin. If I had known that man and that chin in the early '90s, I would've invited him over to one of Scorsese's parties and cooked an English breakfast on that chin. But he showed up briefly in an episode of Gilmore Girls, and I know what you're thinking: "Gilmore Girls is already coming back. Didn't you read the introduction to your own article?" Yeah, I know. But Gilmore Bros isn't. And if I was concerned with proofreading every little thing, would I be sipping Japanese whiskey with Dick Cheney right now? Don't sweat the small stuff, kids. Always go for the big picture.
You don't know what you do to me, Jon's chin.
Look, ABC Family owes me a favor, and with Jon Hamm fresh off the success of that show that came on whenever Breaking Bad wasn't on, he'd be perfect to star in Gilmore Bros, which has that Gilmore Girls wit and small-town charm, but based around a couple of dudes. And we'd all know these kinds of dudes. Typical dudes just trying to make their way in the world. Not enough shows about the average guy out there right now. And Gilmore Bros would finally allow America to see what it's like to be a dude with a hot chin. Just to touch it, man. Can you imagine?
I bet it feels like sandpaper on a hot day. Jesus, I'm shivering.
Why's it called Gilmore Bros and not just Bros? Well, of course we'll have crossover episodes. The only problem is that we don't have the rights to any of the Gilmore Girls characters, nor do we have the rights to the word "Gilmore," so we'll just spell it out as "Glim More" and call it a day. And we'll have some brunettes show up and almost talk about what life is like in Gilmore Girls. Almost. Just enough so that audiences get it, but not enough so that the networks start coming down on me about copyright. I already got the shit sued out of me when I made Battlestar Galaxies, and I do not have the assets to go through one of those again.
Related: We Are All Cam Girls Now
I was tripping hard in South LA the other day, and a guy on a skateboard held my hand, calmed me down, and told me that he wanted Growing Pains to come back. So I rushed Grown Pains into production immediately. I tried to find the man who inspired me, but all he left with me was the smell of food truck Thai food and hope.
A lot of people thought that a Growing Pains reunion was impossible, because of Kirk Cameron's new religious crusade and fundamentalist beliefs. It might "conflict" with some of the returning stars. But any man whose father handed him a stick and told him to go make himself "Boy King of the Neighborhood" knows that the only way to achieve success is through conflict. I got the whole original cast to show up for this (minus DiCaprio, who's a simp), and the scripts basically wrote themselves. Check out a few episodes from the first season which we already have filmed and ready for broadcast:
Episode 1, "The Seavers Strike Back": The Seaver family all moves back home after a few disastrous but hilarious circumstances. Alan Thicke screams at Kirk Cameron to grow up.
I've got a whole notebook's worth of hijinks planned out.
Episode 4, "Lost & Found": Carol Seaver gets a job at the mall, and her parents try to cheer her up. Cameron whispers "Repent ..." at Thicke just before the final scene fades to black.
Episode 11, "Rotten Apple": A kid that grew up next to the Seavers is a little too excited to see that they're back in Long Island. Cameron and Thicke wrestle over a copy of the Bible that Cameron wrote himself.
Episode 16, "Follow The Leader": A health scare puts Jason Seaver in the ER. Thicke attacks Cameron with a prop needle due to something Cameron said backstage.
Episode 20, "Surf's Up": The family takes a much-needed vacation to the beach, only to discover that the secluded place has been turned into a tourist trap. Cameron baptizes Thicke in the saltwater of the Atlantic. Thicke is unresponsive for seven minutes until paramedics revive him.
Another thing my dad always said: "It's not attempted murder if you film it."
Episode 22, "Alan Thicke Arrives At The Set Covered In Blood": We haven't thought of a good title for this one, and we also haven't been able to get Thicke to stop shaking.
Long story short: Even if Netflix doesn't pick this up, the Grown Pains Season One DVD is gonna have some kickass special features. Ciao, losers.
Daniel has a blog.
For examples of terrible reboots that Lee Beverley's scripts would spin kick into the sun check out 5 Superheroes Rendered Ridiculous By Gritty Reboots and 10 Gritty Reboots We Can't Stop Hollywood From Making.
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