5 Places Where You Can Fulfill Your Disappointing Fantasies
If you grew up in a nice environment, you probably spent your childhood being told by everyone from your parents to your teachers to the Muppets on Sesame Street that you could be anything you wanted when you grew up. And now you probably work in an office, because it was a lie; they all knew it was a lie, and they told it to you anyway.
The first man to ever disappoint me.
But even though you never got to be a spy or a princess or the next Mick Jagger, now that you are grown up you can solve that problem the best way we know how: by throwing money at it. If you can afford them, these camps for adults can let you live your dreams in a not-at-all-sad manner that no one is judging you for.
Become James Bond Or Jack Bauer
If a good spy does their job correctly, you will have never heard of them. That's why we've told you before that James Bond is basically the worst spy ever. But if you refuse to accept reality and want to live out the Hollywood version of international espionage, Mission X has what you need.
First, you need to have what they need, which is $19,500 per person, minimum. So in order to pretend to be a spy, it might first help to be an actual bank robber. If you can afford it, you will start in London where ex-SAS officers give you your "mission briefing." From there you travel around Europe, conveniently hitting some of the continent's most beautiful cities instead of the dangerous ones this kind of thing would actually go down in. Watch your SAS officer companions try not to laugh as you meet with "suspected weapons dealers, assassins, drug lords, and rogue agents." Once you arrive on the French Riviera, you might consider saying fuck it to all the spy work and just lie on the beach.
After all, there is precedent.
If a five-day, multi-city European adventure is out of your price range, they also offer a New Zealand alternative. For just $1,900, Mission X promises to show you "every corner of Auckland" while you work to protect "important domestic secrets." Important domestic secrets. Of New Zealand. If that isn't the plot of the 25th Bond film, the world will be missing out.
But if luxury yachts and hot nightlife are too soft for you, Mission X also offers a Jack Bauer-esque counter-terrorism alternative. Just get yourself to Jordan, where you will have access to the King Abdullah II Special Operations Training Center. There you learn how to deal with plane hijackings, assassination attempts, and camouflaged snipers, all tips that should be useful in your day-to-day life. And you can have all this for only $20,000, unless you want fun extras like tactical aircraft usage.
And, really, what is the point of making the trip if you don't jump out of at least one helicopter.
Mission X promises that the missions you go through will be so intense and extreme that "the lines between reality and fantasy are blurred." But considering you are in the Middle East, you could probably just walk a few miles in any direction and have just as extreme an experience for free.
Learn How To Act Like A Princess
If, like me, you grew up wanting to marry Prince William and therefore hate Kate Middleton with the power of a thousand burning suns, learning how to act like the perfect princess is a depressing second place.
First lesson: Pinkie up when stabbing your voodoo doll.
Since the British royal family is the most famous in the world, you have to go to London for most of these classes. For an undisclosed amount (aka, if you have to ask, you can't afford it) you can attend the International Etiquette & Protocol Academy of London. Their five-day International Finishing School will turn you into Cinderella with classes in posture, personal image, and ballroom dance. Of course, you wouldn't be the whole package without also learning up-to-the-minute skills like the "art and elegance of personal stationery and correspondence," "elegant gift wrapping," and flower arranging. They will also help you fill any gaps you might have in your education, just in case your college didn't cover wine tasting, opera appreciation, and how to play polo.
Combining two of the three is graduate-level work.
Maybe you want to be taught by an actual royal. Then head across town to Nicholas Veitch. There you can learn etiquette not only from a former butler to Prince Charles but also from Princess Katarina of Yugoslavia and Serbia. You might have noticed she's princess of a country that doesn't exist anymore, which might explain why she has time to teach you how to be "the perfect host and hostess." If you want to take your education to a new level, you can sign up for a 20-day course on becoming the perfect butler for the low, low price of $15,000.
But no matter how well you can talk about art history or know which fork to use for the fish, you ain't shit until you know how to throw the perfect afternoon tea party. In fact, given how important this seems to be, you might be able to ignore all the other stuff, as long as you know how to eat a scone without getting clotted cream all over your face.
Putting on your O face is also frowned upon.
Attend Cowboy College
Do you ever feel like you were born in the wrong century? Is there far too little livestock in your life? Then look no further than the Arizona Cowboy College. For a mere $2,250, you can spend six days pretending you belong on the open range.
Since most people have never been on a horse in their life, first you need to learn how to stay alive while on and around them. Horses are 1,200-pound prey animals, with the brainpower of a 3-year-old. And, like toddlers, they throw tantrums and get scared all the friggin' time. The difference is that they can totally kill you when they get moody. Keep that in mind while you are learning to pick stones from their hooves.
Other animals trying to kill you: wolves, snakes, and gophers.
Even if you get on the horse with no issues, the college "doesn't guarantee you won't fall." And it is a long, possibly neck-breaking way down. Once you actually get riding, be prepared for a world of pain. If you manage to gallop, your butt is gonna slam against the saddle over and over again. After just a few hours, prepare to feel bowlegged, wobbly, and aching. And you stupidly signed up for six days of this.
Once you have mastered the basic cowboy skill of not dying on a horse, you finally get to do what you came here to do: be John Wayne. Except John Wayne was usually a sheriff or something cool like that. Cowboys, shockingly, do a lot of stuff with cows. So, at best, the next few days will involve riding around scorching desert, looking for cattle to round up. Yes, that is the best-case scenario. See, you signed up to be a 21st-century cowboy, which means you do whatever the ranchers in the area need done when you are there. And that could include castrating bulls, fixing fences, and getting grazing permits. You might even have to cull some of the animals, which is the less sad way of saying killing them dead.
And you don't even get to eat them afterward.
It's about the time that you are doing administrative work that it might occur to you: You should be getting paid for this. Not only did you not need to shell out two and a half grand, you simply could have showed up pretending you needed work and they probably would have given you money to do it. Forget pretending to be a cowboy -- then you could have put it on your resume.
Find The Perfect Wife
People go to fantasy sports camps all the time and live their childhood dreams of being around perfect athletes. So why not build the same kind of camp, only for being around the perfect wife?
That was the idea Alan Lindenman came up with, admittedly after a few too many. But even after he'd sobered up, he decided that there was a market for his crazy idea. So he started the Marriage Fantasy Camp and promoted it by word of mouth to his fellow Met's fantasy campers. He promised them five days over which they would achieve their fantasy relationship.
Not with their actual wives, obviously; that wouldn't be any fun. So he hired a bunch of local strippers to act like "ideal" women. And what was his version of the perfect marriage? It involved "home-cooked meals, pleasant conversation in which the 'wives' took a high degree of interest in the men's work, no talk of anything stressful, daily golf, and, of course, a lot of sex."
Because if a woman isn't putting out, why is she even there?
It turned out to be a lot of other guys' vision of the perfect marriage as well, because even at $7,995 per camper, it sold out in two hours. Soon there was a 450-person waiting list.
But the first rule of Marriage Fantasy Camp should have been not talking about Marriage Fantasy Camp, because one guy ruined it for all sleazy husbands out there when, while in a bar, he bragged too loudly about his time there and was overheard by a journalist. The journalist went on to write a story about the camp, and it was brought to the attention of prosecutors. See, even though Alan had tried to cover his tracks, at the end of the day he was taking money from people to let them sleep with his employees. In other words, he was a pimp.
The outfit wasn't helping his case.
The camp has now been shut down while he awaits trial. To the guys on the waiting list who lost their deposit: Maybe you should learn to make your own fucking dinner.
Become A Huge Rock Star
This is how you live out what could have been, man. If only your high school band had never broken up. If only you'd dropped out of college to concentrate on your music. If only dad bands weren't totally depressing.
At Rock 'N' Roll Fantasy Camp you can go through the entire process of becoming a star over the course of a few days. If you can't play an instrument for shit, someone will try to teach you. If you have some talent, you can help write and record a song. Then you can compete in a Battle Of The Bands. If you are really lucky, you might even get to perform onstage with actual, past-their-prime rock stars like Roger Daltrey, Paul Stanley, Todd Rundgren, Robby Krieger, or Ace Frehley. But don't get your hopes up too high; the fine print reminds you that they can't guarantee it since "this isn't 'Rent a Rock Star.'"
The inevitable drug addiction is also not included.
How much of all of this you get to experience depends on the package you buy. And Rock Camp knows how to hit sad, wannabe musicians where it hurts. For $8,999, you can enjoy everything they have to offer as part of the Headliner Recording Package. For just $4,999, you can live out your dreams as a songwriter or vocalist in their respective packages. But if you aren't willing to shell out thousands to be a cool kid, the camp puts you in your place with their $799 Groupie Package. That's right: You are not even good enough to be a bassist.
Couldn't they at least have gone with roadie?
Do they not exist in this fake rock universe?
And if you want your depressing attempts at living out your dreams recorded for all eternity, just add $499 for the Paparazzi Style photography package. Then you can go home and complain about how some cameraman would just not get out of your face. It will be the most realistic celebrity thing you did all week.
So you've paid to become James Bond and there is still a nerd hole in your heart. Now what? Well you can take on the zombie apocalypse in 5 Geek Fantasies You Won't Believe You Can Buy. Still don't feel badass enough? Become a parent-child spy team when you send your kids to spy summer camp in 6 Insane Summer Camps That Will Make You Wish You Were A Kid. When did life become a young adult novel?
Also follow us on Facebook, because we think it will make our ex jealous.