5 Lessons Fat Albert Should Have Taught Bill Cosby
The Bill Cosby scandal is one of the biggest and messiest skeletons to come flying out of Hollywood's closet. I'm not saying Cosby is or isn't guilty, but his acting like a condescending prick in light of the allegations isn't really helping his case. Especially when you take into account that he spent the majority of his career posturing as some sort of beacon of morality. That was especially true on his beloved cartoon series, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, where every episode was littered with jewels of wisdom meant to help us all be better people.
I bet if you moved that sign, you would see his dick.
Unfortunately, the Cos seems to be the "do as I say, not as I do" type because he isn't too keen on practicing what he preached on that show. Here are a few things Bill Cosby should have learned from Fat Albert:
Season 1, Episode 1: "Lying"
The gang has a friend who's a compulsive liar. They forgive him, but say that if he lies again, they'll kick his ass.
The Moral of the Story:
If you see Bill Cosby somewhere, punch him in the face. Unless you're one of those people who think Cosby isn't lying -- in which case, you may want to stop reading this now because you won't be able to find the humor or irony in any of it.
Anyway, to say anyone has ever gone a whole lifetime sans even a tiny fib is pretty fucking naive. Even Mother Teresa probably lied at least once when one of her sister nuns asked if her habit made her look fat (it did). But, what Mother Teresa definitely didn't do was drug and rape people ...
That we know of!
... and I honestly don't think we can say the same for Bill. Even a former prosecutor has said that, after interviewing Cosby about the allegations, he thought Cosby was lying. Unfortunately, he didn't have enough physical evidence to bring him up on charges or arrest him.
But, before you take that last tidbit and run with it, deciding that alone means the man is not guilty, know two things:
1. Cosby settled that case out of court.
2. There is nothing to be gained from accusing someone of sexual assault.
No one has ever gotten famous from making unfounded rape allegations. If anyone did, it wasn't in a good way. Rape is a horrific and traumatic experience to recount, especially on such a public level. It's also pretty fucking rare that someone lies about it (according to the Justice Department, it only happens about 2 percent of the time), yet society thinks that just because some comedian didn't use swear words on stage and was an actor pretending to be the patriarch of a fictional family, he must be innocent. Because, clearly, famous people are never shitty human beings.
Someone here looks like he knows that isn't true.
Even if we apply the statistics that only about 2 percent of people ever lie about sexual assault, that still means that odds are Cosby STILL did these things to 33 of the 34 women who are accusing him. The likelihood of one person using his money and influence to get away with whatever the fuck he wants is a lot higher than 34 random women conspiring to "take down" said man decades later, especially when that person has proven to always have been an entitled asshole and has admittedly had extramarital affairs that he paid money for to keep from public records.
Season 2, Episode 1: "The Bully"
The gang has a friend that bullies everyone whenever Fat Albert isn't around (because Albert will sit on him or something). Eventually, Fat Albert confronts him, and the bully promises to stop.
The Moral of the Story:
As misfortune would have it, not all bullies are fictional animations. Sometimes, they're super rich sitcom stars from the '80s. Even though Fat Albert was anti-bullying, Cosby himself has always been one, and not just when it comes to his interactions with journos who are trying to do their job. Back in 1989, Cosby was speaking to a group of black college graduates and decided to use the moment to humiliate All-American tackle Dean Brown by implying that his 2.5 GPA meant he had a mental disorder.
That seems excessive.
He also admitted he had his lawyers threaten a lawsuit against The National Enquirer when they caught wind of a rape story the tabloid was set to run, strong-arming them into running a puff piece in its place. The reason was so it wouldn't help the 2005 charges that he had assaulted a former Temple University employee. Even his own biographer characterized him as a bully.
The comedy community is very tight-knit, so when all of them begin to call out one of their own, it is usually with good reason. Case in point: Carlos Mencia. This generation of comedians have been putting it out there for a while that Cosby is a shitbag. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler (who are my goddamn idols) called him out on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update in 2005 when that Cosby allegation made the news.
Then, in 2008, 30 Rock also took a shot at Cosby, this time with Tracy Morgan yelling at not-Cosby for what he did to his aunt in 1976.
Bill Cosby's getting pregnant tonight!
The gloves really came off once Hannibal Buress mentioned the rapey elephant in the room when he called Cosby out on his shit during a show in Philly, and someone posted it to YouTube.
Since then, a number of comedians have opened up to hearing about one of the worst-kept secrets in comedy. But, Cosby keeps on keepin' on, refusing to address the rumors or show any tact by making rape jokes in his acts. Look, I have a pretty dark sense of humor, and, for the most part, think almost nothing is off limits when it comes to joking about things. But, rape jokes are just never funny, especially when the person making them is accused of being a serial rapist.
Season 2, Episode 3: "Mr. Big Timer"
Fat Albert's friend's brother is a drug dealer, and, somehow, Al almost accidentally smuggles a package of drugs for him but gets caught by the cops. Fatty is found innocent and then helps the cops catch the actual drug dealer.
The Moral of the Story:
Cosby clearly never had a friend like Albert because all of his friends just paid people off and pretended those pudding cups didn't taste funny. When Cosby was at the height of his career in the '80s, he was one of the most influential stars in Hollywood. He had his show, made Ghost Dad, and wore all those ugly fucking sweaters.
This is how you rape wool.
Back then, he counted on studios to cover his ass because, frankly, he was making them a lot of money. And that's exactly what they did, according to ex-NBC employee Frank Scotti, who worked as the facilities manager for The Cosby Show. Frank even had copies of receipts for "sorry about the rape" payments made on Cosby's behalf.
We appreciate your business!
It's not as if Cosby or his wife, Camille, haven't ever admitted he was a sex fiend. Camille confessed to my best friend Oprah that she knew about an affair of his back in the '70s. Coincidentally, that affair was with one of the people Scotti was in charge of sending monthly payments to for Cosby. So, there's a pretty good chance he wasn't being so much "philanthropic" as he was "covering his ass" with the rest of those payments.
On a side note, anyone else thoroughly creeped out that Cosby decided to make Cliff Huxtable an OB/GYN yet? Because I am.
Season 3, Episode 4: "Take Two, They're Small"
This episode was supposed to teach kids that taking things that aren't yours is bad.
The Moral of the Story:
In retrospect, it seems like maybe a confused Cosby took this as advice on how to help audition actresses in his hotel room -- without them remembering what happened the next morning. Oh right, Bill never drugged anyone. Except, yeah, he did, and even admitted to doing so during his 2005 trial. When Andrea Constand claimed Cosby drugged her with four blue pills, his lawyer explained that he gave her one-and-a-half tablets of Benadryl ... which is supposed to be better?
Pictured: the answer to the question, "What did people do before Ambien?"
Benadryl is basically an over-the-counter date rape drug. The first thing it says on the label is "may cause drowsiness", and it's totally the slick move parents use to put their annoying kids to sleep when they're being too hyper. Or did just my parents do that?
Whatever the case, lack of a prescription doesn't make your roofie of choice less of a problem.
Season 6, Episode 4: "Easy Pickin's"
Another episode about shoplifting, but, this time, a couple of the gangs' friends have been stealing a bunch of shit, and everyone thinks they're rich. Then, one of them gets caught and confesses everything.
The Moral of the Story:
One of the more despicable aspects of this controversy is that the majority of Cosby's accusers were young women who were just starting out in their careers. They were aspiring actresses or models -- all of them admitting they felt they could never say anything, and no one would believe them if they had because, at the time, Cosby was a mega-star.
It's your fault, Jell-O!
Before you roll your eyes, can you fucking blame them for thinking that? We're talking about a time when Hollywood was a lot less PC, when people were way more able to keep secrets hidden (thanks, lack of Internet), and when women's rights were just starting to change the role of women as equals.
It's not at all difficult to fathom how anyone could or would drug and sexually assault 30-plus women. Shit, Jerry Sandusky molested 26 boys (that we know of), and a lot of them probably had an extra layer of parental protection that had to be fought through before those crimes could happen.
The reason why they got away with it for as long as they did is simple: You can accomplish a lot of terrible things when people hold you in high enough regard that they never question anything you do.
For more from Cher, follow her on Twitter @thecherness.
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