But Brian's not all about that medulla oblongata and no eye candy. He makes it crystal-clear -- through lines like "I'm no different from the rest / I love hips and legs and breasts" -- that he enjoys girl parts as much as the next middle-aged rock star. But they must be attached to "brainy babes" with "attitudes." So all you unfrumpy doctors, lawyers, and architects out there, feel free to giddy up on Brian's 409 anytime.
When not macking on your local librarian, Wilson's referencing his old hits as much as humanly possible, with the most awkwardly placed samples in hip-hop history. "Yeah smart girls are my inspiration / Givin' me good good good good vibrations." My "good" key didn't stick -- he seriously raps "givin' me" before the song immediately cuts to a 20-year-old recording of "Good Vibrations" for all the young bucks out there listening to Brian Wilson rap who haven't yet learned about The Beach Boys.
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"Blah blah excitation, blossom world, yak yak -- get to the brainy amazons already!"
Brian isn't really to blame for this turd of a track, though. Yes, he performed the thing and defended it despite its rejection by everybody (including his record label), but only because his doctor, Eugene Landy, told him to. Landy had Wilson under his 24-hour care, since Wilson was too forehead-deep in mental illness to function on his own. Unfortunately, Landy was an opportunistic, exploitive quack who manipulated his patient's trust in exchange for a bit of fame (as Wilson's manager and producer) and a lot of fortune (billing him $35,000 a month for what the invoice probably described as "stuff").
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"Let's go out drinking, even though drinking damn near killed you. Trust me -- I'm a doctor."
If Landy didn't write "Smart Girls" himself, he absolutely badgered, prodded, and harassed Wilson until he did. Ultimately, Landy lost his license and was court-ordered to never contact Wilson again. Sadly, the judge never thought to summon the Men in Black to erase everybody's memories of having ever heard "Smart Girls." If anyone knows their number though, it's not too late.
Jason Iannone once requested "Love Song" at an AC/DC show, and they shanked him all night long as punishment. Sympathize with (or laugh at) him via Facebook and Twitter.
For more from Jason, check out 5 Celebrity Endorsements That Ruined the Product and 5 Famous Musicians Who Went Solo (and Insane).
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