With the internet, if you don't like a business, or an employee of a business, or the way the chairs at a business feel on your bony ass, you can rate them for everyone to see. If your business doesn't have enough good reviews to counter a bad one, a one-star piece of feedback will let the world know that your kids don't deserve to eat. Joseph Weil lived before a time when anyone could look him up and find out that he was all four horsemen of your bank account's apocalypse. In 2016, he would make it a week before Googling his name revealed that he shouldn't be allowed within 50 feet of anyone with disposable income.
Weil quit school and almost immediately began blackmailing the employees of a loan shark business into paying him so that he wouldn't reveal that they were stealing. At 17, Weil had already gotten the employees of the biggest company in town to be afraid of him. At 17, I accidentally hit my crotch so hard against a fake bush during a rehearsal of A Midsummer Night's Dream that I broke the thing.
"Haha, he hit his balls on the plant." -- William Shakespeare, for real
Under the watch of another conman, Weil began selling a rainwater-based miracle elixir, before heading to bigger and better things. One day, he would be passing off cleaned stray dogs as purebreds, and the next, he'd sell "talking dogs" to people who believed that "talking dogs" might be a real thing. In his autobiography, he talks like a scientist in an H.G. Wells novel. And if I started listing all of the people he ripped off who weren't Mussolini, this column would have nine sequels and a full directory of psychiatrists who could help you regain faith in humanity.
Oh, Mussolini? Yeah, it was that Mussolini, the fascist Italian prime minister. As quaint as it would be to say that Weil once ripped off little Benny Mussolini from Queens who thought he was buying a magic hat and ended up getting a shoe that a cat peed in, no, it was the most famous Mussolini. Mussolini paid Weil two million dollars for some mining land in Colorado, and if you haven't figured out from reading the first three entries in this column, the land wasn't exactly there.
"I recently bought some land, Hit-Man. Shit's gonna be tiiight."
Wishing pain upon people on the internet is something done by soccer moms, grandparents, and middle-schoolers every day. It's not rare to see someone get screwed over and watch them post "Karma will get them in the long run!" Joseph Weil lived to be 100 years old, and didn't give a shit until the end. That's not karma doing its job. That's karma seeing that the soul it was promised is actually a pile of old grocery bags, all while Weil is escorted, with his middle fingers up, back into the nursing home.
Daniel has a blog.
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