5 Disturbing Ways the Human Body Will Evolve in the Future
We don't think of ourselves as changing: We're the same basic meat-popsicles we've always been. But some of the surprising changes that the future holds in store for the human body are ball-shatteringly disturbing, so you'd better have an iron stomach if you plan on reading this (though if not, don't worry; that’s probably in the pipeline too).
Bionic AssGed Galvin, a 55-year-old English man from South Yorkshire, when he was involved in a terrible motorcycle accident. His injuries were so extensive that, even after his many surgeries, doctors informed him he would have to use a colostomy bag for the rest of his life. Then crazier, more awesome doctors that had seen some Six Million Dollar Man re-runs recently, stepped in and informed him to “fuck that noise.” “Ged,” they said. “We’ve got two words for you: Bionic Ass. And then two more: Fuck yes.”
"The patient's lost the use of both arms below the elbow, so of course I recommend we install Flamethrower Hands." Ged, weighing the pros and cons of carrying a bag of poop around for eternity (there was a shockingly short "pro" list) agreed to try an experimental new surgery. The procedure used muscles from his knee to recreate a crude sort of sphincter, with implanted electrodes all throughout that respond to a remote control. Now, Galvin doesn’t have normal control over his bowels, he has supreme mastery over them. With the press of a button, Galvin controls exactly when, where, how much (and, if science is as awesome as this story is making it out to be, hopefully with exactly how much force) he shits. However, even if Galvin himself is sadly lacking in Astro Boy style ass-cannons, believe me when I say this: It is only a matter of time until somebody with both the desire and money gets the idea too. In the future, you’ll have to watch who you mouth off to, because forget knives and guns - that dude at the bar might have a crap-howitzer in his pants loaded with high-caliber feces with your name on it.
Multiple Penisesgive birth to penises. Digest that for a minute (the information, not the penises). Brand new cocks are being manufactured in North Carolina every single day. They’re fully authentic in both form and function--they bonerize and everything--and they are not just “in theory,” or “a one time experiment never to be repeated.” No, there are actual, multiple test cases--rabbits, to be specific--equipped with fully functioning, entirely lab-grown penises. And the bunnies in question are not only already boning with their new proto-dongs, but four of them have even successfully fathered offspring with a penis
"Baby, no! Don't be scared! Baby... just... just touch it a little. JUST TOUCH THE COCK THAT SHOULD NOT BE!" The process used to create the bio-cocks can also be applied to other organs with roughly similar levels of success and, really, what does that say about our priorities as a society? You’re not reading a story about the successful recreation of a human heart, are you? Is this an article about the first fully functioning replacement lung? No, the process showed promise, so the first thing we did with it was dong-farming. It’s human nature: Just like you don’t draw the Sistine chapel on your buddy’s forehead when he passes out, so too does Science abandon its high-minded principles and feverishly gets to work on wang-wrangling the first time the opportunity presents itself.
Pictured: Wang Wrangling. "But how does this change the human body?" you might rightfully be saying to yourself. “Isn’t this just regrowing something that was already there?” Well yes, but I'm afraid you may have forgotten to factor in the Internet. Human perversion was evolving at a slow, but steady pace before the World Wide Web connected us all, and then look what happened: It was like a pervert A-bomb. Sexual deviancy leaped forward dramatically, and in an astoundingly short amount of time... because apparently Moore’s law applies to fecalphilia and yiffing just the same as it does technology. We have the ability to grow penises, and the term “body modification” brings up 4-million hits on Google. Those, sadly, are not unrelated concepts; the very second this tech hits the market, you’re going to learn the politically correct term for a man with five cocks.
“I prefer to be called penta-wanged, thank you.”
"We must save him! He's a genius! Wait... sorry, I was thinking of someone else. But he's a really nice guy! Hm? Oh sorry, wrong again. But he's uh.... we must save him!" While still others believe that humanity has ceased to evolve because they never evolved in the first place, heathen. If I understand correctly (and I rarely do) these people believe that mankind is some sort of animated mud golem, and women are basically just walking McRib sandwiches. But there’s a new study that proposes to refute both claims: Yale University analyzed 14,000 residents of a Massachusetts town and found that short, chubby women had lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure overall and also bore children at a younger age. In short, that they were heavily (sorry) favored by genetics. Oh… shit. That's cause for panic, right? If you’re a fan of tall, skinny women – well you better get humpin’ while they’re still around, friend, because the future is almost here... and it likes Cheetos.
"No, I heard you. You're 'illuminating the hypocrisy of sexual taboos in mainstream society,' but that really just looks like dick-shadow-puppets to me."The truly disturbing part of all this, however, is something you may have glazed over: The coat the Australian scientists grew was technically alive the entire time . You can try to take comfort in the idea that this is all too far-fetched to catch on, but I should remind you that everybody thought hyper-color was a great idea back in the 90s; I guarantee you there will be some sort of market for shoes that scream when you step in them.
Well, not quite that literally.They’re called Thalamic Stimulators, and their intended purpose is to provide an electrical current to the thalamus that limits muscle tremors from diseases like Parkinson’s. And when they work correctly, they’re actually quite effective. But there's a rare side-effect: “erotic stimulations.” And yes, that is exactly what it sounds like; there are people walking the Earth right now with sex-chips installed in their brains. Initially, that all sounds pretty awesome. What's wrong with that? Who wouldn’t want an orgasm switch? But you should know that--even considering the relative rarity of the devices in the first place, and the even rarer occurrence of these sexual side-effects--there’s already a name for addiction to them:
Pictured: The mythical Mega-Boner Switch. It is rumored that, should it ever be thrown, the boner it will cause shall rip the sun itself in twain.Now, stop and consider that treating erectile dysfunction is the single most profitable use of current pharmaceutical drugs, and you’ll see that the very second brain implants become publicly available, it's going to be as boner switches. But you know what the truly disturbing thought is? It’s not hard-on buttons, or skin suits, or even multi-penises; it’s the simple fact that these innovations are not mutually exclusive. Technology is a cumulative thing. Your phone is your GPS, your computer is your music player, your video game console has an Internet browser; new tech is always going to cross-contaminate. You’re not going to have to cope with
You can pre-order Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead on Amazon, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots, where you can learn more reasons to fear all new things before you fully understand them!