5 Disturbing Ways People Are Cashing In On 'Game Of Thrones'

Anything can be a prime merchandising opportunity if the audience is there.
5 Disturbing Ways People Are Cashing In On 'Game Of Thrones'

The wonder of modern capitalism is that even a TV show about genital mutilation and children getting burned alive is a prime merchandising opportunity, as long as the audience is there. You just have to think outside the box a little. For example ...

You Can Pay To Do Cersei's Naked "Walk Of Shame"

I could be wrong, but I think if you strip out all the sex scenes from Game Of Thrones, it's nothing but a five-minute sequence of people looking at dragons and a guy getting shot on a toilet. It's all about sex, and that's why real-world brothels are getting in on the fun. And surely, a show that portrays such a healthy, respectful attitude toward sexuality would inspire some good, wholesome activities for fans. Surely!

Dennis Hof, who used to run the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada before he passed on to the big Rub n' Tug in the sky, spoke about his love of the show and how customers would ask about Thrones-themed experiences they wanted to have. Ever the entrepreneur, Hof made such a package for clients. Details were a little sketchy about just what that means in practical terms. (A handy from someone with a metal hand? An ice-infused White Walker blowie? A woman telling you that you know nothing about pleasing women?) But he did say that several clients opted for a Cersei Lannister "walk of shame."

That was, of course, the scene in which a proud, powerful woman was humiliated and paraded naked through King's Landing while people yelled "shame" and threw garbage and shit at her. Folks liked that so much they paid to experience it themselves. Though Hof doesn't specify whether the guests want to be shamed or if they wanted to make one of the brothel workers do it while screaming at them. Maybe both happened, depending on the customer? Either way, it was indeed done outside the brothel, where nearby traffic could see.

That's not the only joint getting in on the action, of course. Another brothel, Sheri's Ranch, does GOT-themed orgies, in which the women dress in character, at least for a little while. Is there a guy dressed as Jorah who stares forlornly while you have sex with a Daenerys lookalike? Hopefully!

Related: 'Game Of Thrones' Sneakers Are A Thing Now

Mountain Dew Did Arya's Death List Cans

The merchandising for this show has gotten so pervasive (GOT Oreos!) that it's easy to forget how goddamned brutal it is. It's to the point where you kind of wonder if any of these people have actually watched it.

Take Mountain Dew and its parent company, PepsiCo. The brand that used to be known for totally X-Treme refreshment produced what appeared to be a blank can to help promote Thrones Season 8. When the can gets cold, Arya Stark's famous list of names appears. That would be the names of people she's decided need to die -- the ones who are already dead are crossed out. Badass, right? Do the Dew!

So, for example, one crossed-out name on the beverage you're sipping is Meryn Trant. He killed Arya's teacher, so she knows what to do when she spots him in a brothel in Season 5, where he keeps demanding progressively younger girls to rape (they oblige, since the customer is always right). Arya, in the true spirit of Dew, disguises herself as a child prostitute and allows Trant to beat the shit out of her (along with two other girls). She then pulls off her mask and jams a knife right in his skull, at the spot where he'd previously been storing his right eye. Then she does the same thing on the left side. She then proceeds to stab him mercilessly in the chest and neck until he is dead as shit.

It would take too long to go through all of the gruesome murders referenced on the can, and any fan can picture most of them in their mind anyway. Polliver gets stabbed in the neck, a teenage Joffrey goes into a bloated purple panic as he slowly dies from poison at his own wedding (should've stuck with Mountain Dew, you little shit), so on and so forth. X-Treme!

Related: What The New Credits Say About 'Game Of Thrones'

You Can Get A White Walker Dildo, Among Other Sex Toys

Not everyone can afford a fancy theme package at a costume brothel, so the rest of us have to find ways to mix our nerd obsessions and sex lives at home. Obviously, there are Game Of Thrones porn videos out there, redundant as that seems, but there are also some pretty creative sex toys to spice up your next watch party.

For example, here is the "Long Shaft," a dildo version of Jon Snow's sword Longclaw, complete with the carved direwolf head in the hilt. On sale for only $110! According to the site, "You know nothing until you have experienced orgasmic sensations with this dildo sword." That's a joke you get if you watch the show! Ha!

And it's not the only option. There's also The Night Kink glow-in-the-dark dildo, so you can imagine you're being ravished by the icy shaft of the White Walkers' leader. Or Drodong, the dragon dildo. You'll notice I've conspicuously avoided including pictures of them, and to be honest, I have no idea if these are work-safe images or not. If your boss immediately recognizes the erect penis of a mythical creature on sight, it seems like they're the one who should get fired.

There are plenty more items out there. If you're feeling especially saucy, the site also offers ball-gags in which the ball is shaped like a dragon's egg. And who could forget the world-famous Throne of Dildos from a few years back that was being sold on eBay? The Iron Throne made real, only all the swords were replaced by floppy silver dongs, like a bunch of naked flaccid robots had gotten into the worst traffic accident in history. At six feet tall and 650 pounds worth of wang, how could anyone not buy it?

Related: 5 Reasons We Don't Appreciate 'Game Of Thrones' Enough

Syrian Tourism Attempted A Game Of Thrones Tie-In

Game Of Thrones tourism is very big business. Dubrovnik in Croatia is the shooting location for King's Landing, and it's had a huge boost in tourism since the show began. So much so that the people there probably hate each and every one of us for it. Ireland gets its fair share of fans as well. You can assume any place featured in the show is getting attention. And then there's Aleppo, Syria.

Aleppo is not featured in Game Of Thrones, chiefly because of the insane war going on in Syria, which saw the city bombed on a regular basis for about six straight years. Despite that, the Syrian government apparently figured they could use the show to try to boost Aleppo tourism. That's how we got this ad, featuring beauty shots of the countryside accompanied by the Game Of Thrones opening theme:

Man, that does look like a nice place, doesn't it? Now here's some drone footage from around that same time period, showing exactly what a shit-ton of bombs can do to a city:

I'm not gonna make some glib Thrones reference here, since a bunch of people died, but it says something about the GOT phenomenon that they were hoping tourists' love of the show would overcome, you know, all of that. Also, an HBO spokesperson had to come out and make it clear that they did not give the Assad government permission to use the theme. Sue his ass!

Related: One Of The Castles From 'Game Of Thrones' Is For Sale

There Is Some Truly Gruesome GOT-Themed Food Out There

From Sansa's love of lemon cakes to Hot Pies', uh, hot pies, there's a lot of eating and drinking going on in this show. Nerd culture loves nerdy menus, because it means we can cook that shit up at home and eat it while we watch! So yes, of course there's a Game Of Thrones cookbook out there. And those recipes for apple cakes and breakfast on the Wall are all fine and dandy until things inevitably get weird.

Hey, remember the sadist torturer Ramsay Bolton wagging a sausage in Theon Greyjoy's face because he had recently cut the poor man's dick off? Taunting him with the idea that he may have cooked and eaten his penis in front of him? The people at the Live Casino Restaurant in Hanover, Maryland remember. They put "Theon's sausage" on the menu. Is anything more appetizing than food inspired by severed genitalia? Of course not, and this recipe blog agreed. So did this one. You can almost hear the brutally tortured man's wails of despair!

Of course, if dicks aren't your thing, there's still cannibalism in other forms. Like Frey pie! Just because Walder was eating his own sons before Arya killed him doesn't mean it wasn't a delicious pie. Here's a recipe for a knockoff that substitutes pork for Freys. This one includes bacon for that smoky Frey flavor.

And then there's the massive raw horse heart that Daenerys digs into in Season 1, because when you're hungry, you're hungry. Horse heart is hard to come by, unless you own the right stealthy clothes and power tools, so recipes have to substitute. Like this one, which recommends venison heart tartare. Others just go for beef heart, while others throw caution to the wind and make a bloody heart-looking dessert. Is all of this a sign that our civilization has collectively gone mad? Who can say?

For more, check out The Inconvenient Truth About Game Of Thrones:

Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on Facebook. And we'll follow you everywhere.


Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?